


Victims of Peace

by Avenger_Hawk



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angry Sex, Arranged Marriage, BDSM, Control Issues, Dom/sub, Dom/sub Play, F/M, Heavy Angst, ItaSasu - Freeform, Itaizu - Freeform, M/M, Power Dynamics, ShiIta, Shisasu, ShisuixSasuke, Suicide Attempt, although not strict and no rules, and not a love triangle, non massacre au, not a threesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-10 22:57:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 72,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7011652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avenger_Hawk/pseuds/Avenger_Hawk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Itachi knows what's best for Sasuke, no matter what Sasuke wants. Shisui knows what's best for Itachi, no matter what he wants. He knows more than that, and he's willing to share his knowledge, if one is reckless, or broken enough. Like Sasuke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will focus on ShisuixSasuke. I've only seen one fanart and one fanfic for them, which is weird, since there are weirdest pairings out there.
> 
> I like the concept of crack pairings because they force to imagine a scenario for them to happen and it takes a lot of world building and character building, to make it happen in the most "realistic" way. To me imagining the circumstances that led to a particular moment and a particular kind of intimate relationship, is very fulfilling.
> 
> I am not a fan of most PWPs, especially for rare pairings, so this story is going to have a slow development and a lot of introspection, to convey the character's thought process and evolution.
> 
> Those who already know my writing know that I write a lot of those.
> 
> I am unable to write Sasuke loving someone else more than Itachi, just like I am unable to write Itachi loving someone else more than Sasuke, be it romantic or platonic I just can't. So don't expect this story (and every other non Itasasu things I wrote and will write) to be a classic romance, but also don't expect it to be a sex-only thing, because it's not.
> 
> As a confirmation of what I said, in this fanfiction there is also going to be ItachixSasuke and ShisuixItachi; thusly written it seems like this story is going to be a soap opera or an Uchihacest-fest which it's not, I swear (or, for those who'd prefer such things, I'm sorry).
> 
> Also, there is going to be some Itachi/Izumi. I don't like this pairing at all and I don't like her character much either. Yet, she is going to be a main character, and they're going to be a couple, but their story is going to be more like a brotherly/friendly relationship.
> 
> In short, if you're looking for a classic Itasasu or Shiita fic, or Itaizu, or some Uchihacest with random hot pairings don't read this.
> 
> If you're looking for a slow developing plot, if you like alternative universes, characters' introspection, non detailed sex that expresses feelings, dynamics of power sort of like dom/sub, states of mind more than hotness for hotness' sake, if you don't mind to see a different perspective/interpretation of some characters, in this case Shisui, because in this story, not dying and living in a non-massacre world necessarily shapes his personality in a different way, I hope you'll enjoy reading this story.

 

> " _I saw its birth, I watched it grow  
> _ _I felt it change me  
> _ _I took the life, I ate it slow  
> _ _Now it consumes me" (AFI, The Leaving Song)_

 

If a traveler arrived from a random village in the Fire Country he would certainly notice how different Konoha was. He would not be able to pinpoint exactly why at first, because the buildings, houses and shops are similar, just like their gardens, fields and animals.

Only after some thought he would understand that the difference is in their people: other villagers are relaxed and casual, even loud. Children run around the streets, chasing each other, playing tag or hide-and-seek. Their fathers bring them presents and their mothers buy them new clothes.

Konoha villagers are shinobi. They are composed. There are occasional outbursts, because eventually people get excited or angry or drunk no matter who they are, but they are rarer.

Children play make believe, pretending to be ninja like their relatives, hiding in silence and sneaking up on each other.

They rarely receive presents or new clothes. Their fathers give them weapons, their mothers soon start patching up their wounds.

Not surprisingly older generations find the younger ones worse compared to theirs, like the group of old men sitting by a food stand, who watches passersby with evident disapproval, from the apprehensive mother holding her sons' hand to the rude children laughing too loud and the disrespectful teenagers not bowing when they cross eyes with veterans such as them.

Back in their days, with war raging, silence was essential if they wanted to stay alive and respect was indispensable.

The same people greet with a hand gesture Itachi's polite bow as he passes by.

* * *

He saw the war too. He knows respect and silence just like them.

Besides, everyone respects the Uchiha prodigy.

Everyone respects the Uchiha clan after what was called the bloodless revolution, that culminated in Danzo's elimination and the capture of an Uchiha traitor who pretended to be Madara, of all people.

Without the primary source of hostility towards them, after a demonstration of good will such as ensuring to justice on of their own people, the council's attitude towards the Uchiha changed.

Fugaku was granted a seat in said council, amongst Konoha elders.

He chose Itachi as unofficial counselor, not his warmonger clansmen anymore.

His son is young but it doesn't matter: everyone knows that it's because of Itachi's efforts that things changed.

Everyone agrees that Itachi is perfect as a shinobi and as a son, and that he is the ideal heir for the clan.

He disagrees; to him there is no such thing as a perfect being.

_Except for just one._

_One who didn't see the war, its noise and smell, and reds and blacks everywhere._

_One who couldn't remember the endless clan meetings to set up a rebellion against those who discriminated them._

_One who was too naive to understand that his brother was a double agent whose only weakness was him._

_One who was too pure to realize that he would be used as leverage to force his brother to choose between his life and his whole clan' and that the choice would be his life, no matter how many lives would be sacrificed for him._

* * *

As long as Sasuke can remember he always hated sweets, but there was a time he didn't dislike them at all. In fact he was particularly fond of mochi.

Then something happened.

That day his mother took him and Itachi to visit a relative.

The woman served tea and put on the low table a plate full of dango.

Itachi's face beamed up at the sight.

_A strong shinobi doesn't give in to temptation._

_Controlling his own impulses is the first thing a shinobi learns._

_No matter how badly he wants something, no matter how easy it is to have it, a strong shinobi must resist._

_His father taught him this and he was good at it, he was good at everything after all._

_Nevertheless the strong shinobi was also a child who loved dango, and there was a plate full of them, and that plate was for him, because the gentle lady said it was and she also added that he could eat them all if he wanted because she didn't like them._

" _Help me finish them" She said. She needed help._

_It was a shinobi's duty to help people in need._

Shyly, he ate one sticky rice ball, then another, then another.

The gentle lady told Mikoto that her son was a really good boy. Then the two women went to another room to do something, leaving the boys alone.

"Do you want some, Sasuke?" Itachi asked Sasuke with a big smile, because dango were the best thing ever, and the little child who wanted to do everything his brother did, accepted.

At a first bite they seemed weird. At a second bite their texture seemed funny. At a third, their sticky sauce was all over Sasuke's face.

He decided he liked them. Maybe.

_Maybe he liked being in a stranger's room with his big brother, eating sweets and laughing._

_Maybe he liked to see his big brother smiling._

He asked for another stick, trying to reach Itachi who was way past his second serving.

When they arrived home he felt sick.

Itachi got scolded by their mother only lightly, who was surprised he didn't get sick as well. He stayed by his little brother's side, saying "I'm sorry, Sasuke" more than once.

Sasuke wasn't angry at all. Why should he be? They spent the best of afternoons together.

He hoped they would spend more days like that.

Only, without sweets, because even the thought of them disgusted him.

* * *

Ironically sweets seem to plague him, as he often receives them as gifts.

Most people like them and they assume that everyone does.

He doesn't bother informing others that he hates them, when he can make Itachi happy with them.

His brother gently teases his grumpy attitude as he mentions those he received them from, before teasing back mentioning the elder's childish sweet tooth.

He isn't grumpy anymore while he says so.

_Sasuke is grumpy towards everyone but Itachi and Itachi feels lucky._

_Everyone in the clan treats him as a prodigy. Sasuke thinks he is a prodigy too, but his admiration, his affection, are heartfelt and warm like the sun during that happy afternoon in their relative's house._

"Am I wrong or you have more admirers than usual, little brother?"

Itachi jokes.

Sasuke scoffs; he told his brother many times that girls do this because he's Uchiha.

He is completely oblivious to the way they look at him and Itachi finds it endearing.

He has always been conscious of people's feelings towards him.

People were easy to read, since he was a child.

_Only Shisui wasn't._

_His cousin claimed it was because he was the best shinobi around, repeating it for days, before explaining him that sometimes it's paradoxically harder to read the ones we feel closer to, because even if we know them better, we project our perception of them, our expectations for them, instead of seeing what they really are._

His admirers didn't give him sweets, only praises.

_His generation was less careless and more composed._

_They didn't have time for sweets. There was a village to rebuild._

He felt uncomfortable receiving them anyway.

It didn't last long. His Academy and genin days ended soon. He became Anbu, growing up faster, leaving classmates and comrades behind to age and do things in due time.

If they didn't die first, like his team mate Tenma.

_The war was over but they weren't normal children in a civilian village._

_They were shinobi. Death could catch them at any time._

* * *

"You don't want to eat them for real, they look like Sakura's food pills."

Sasuke comments when Itachi opens one of the little boxes.

The elder is unfazed by the ugly little things inside it.

It's not easy to make confectionery, especially for his comrade, trained to be strong and effective, not detail-oriented and artistic.

Besides it's really good, he reassures after a bite.

They still look disgusting, Sasuke rebukes, adding that Sakura hit Naruto in the head with that box, before making a meek face and giving them to him.

He doesn't like girls, he says, because of this kind of attitude.

Too soft, too compliant, too fake.

Shinobi aren't supposed to be weak.

He doesn't understand why they act weak and submissive when they are able to fight.

He can't tell which one is real, the weak or the strong one, and he is not interested in finding out.

Unlike Sasuke, Itachi knows.

Females are expected to be strong yet weaker than men; to be subordinates, ready to give up to their personal dreams and ambitions to support their husbands and serve their family.

They are raised to breed and enlarge their clan.

He tells Sasuke to not look down on them: it's not their fault if they act weak when they're strong. It's their world's fault.

_The same world that he wants to change._

It's normal to have a better understanding and a closer bond to same sex comrades, especially after having fought side by side with them, risks and dangers making it natural to find comfort and relief with them.

Even physical.

No one mentions this unspoken reality because shinobi are private creatures by definition, it's a commonly accepted practice.

At least until they marry.

If they don't die first. Death could catch them anytime.

Shinobi's duty isn't just to protect the village, but also to provide said village with new soldiers, and to keep their bloodlines alive through their offspring.

A same sex bond is fine unless it becomes a hindrance to their duty.

Itachi doesn't tell Sasuke that if he succeeds in changing the world this sort of mentality will disappear.

In a truly peaceful world there is no need for everyone to become a shinobi. Only those who want to will become one. Procreating to enlarge the clan won't be important anymore.

Clans won't be important anymore.

People will be free to choose their path and their loved ones.

_Sasuke will be free to choose._

Unlike him.

When he was a child he dreamed about becoming a diplomat, bringing peace everywhere, seeing the world, negotiating with people, finding common ground despite their different habits and mentality.

As an adult he achieved peace _-not the one he wanted. Not yet-_ but he is tightly tied to the clan as the heir and future leader, and to Konoha as Anbu captain and future Hokage.

It was not a rumor anymore that he would be the first of his clan to rule the village.

He ensured safety for Uchiha and other people alike, he inspired everyone with his long term vision of peace and prosperity, and the price he paid was reasonably cheap.

Only one sacrifice was needed. His own life.

Sacrificing himself was a small price for what he got in exchange.

For Sasuke he would have paid much more than that.

His brother deserved to live in a better world, he used to tell himself when he came home after a mission and despite being tired and sore he had to discuss with his father, secretly eyeing Sasuke's closed door, wondering if he was already sleeping.

His brother deserves to live in a better world, he still tells himself.

He enjoys the time he gets to spend with his little brother more than words can express.

_He can't tell Sasuke. He can't say it out loud._

_He can't flaunt his only weakness._

_He can't give in to temptation._

Since they were children he used to go to Sasuke's room while he sleeps.

Since they were children the younger can sense him in his sleep; he wakes up and they talk for a long time, whispering in order to not wake their parents.

Sometimes Sasuke returns from a mission or even an evening out -his generation is allowed to act like civilians and have fun at times -bringing dango for Itachi.

He heads straight to his bedroom whether he is there or not.

Sometimes he falls asleep in his bed, waiting for him.

_His sleep is not as light as he'd wish, surrounded by his brother's comforting smell._

Itachi doesn't wake him up when he arrives.

His bed is smaller but also warmer like this.

* * *

Even geniuses may have a blind side.

Even Itachi, who can't see that he hasn't sacrificed only himself.

Sasuke lived in his shadow since he could remember. He grew up admiring, adoring Itachi, feasting on the crumbs of attention the elder gave him, forever trying to shorten the distance he set between them.

He wanted to be like him.

_It was impossible to be better than him anyway._

He was constantly reminded how different they were, meaning how insignificant he was. Despite Academy and comrades considered him a prodigy, for his clan he was nothing like his brother.

Sasuke didn't mind being in Itachi's shadow, as long as he had him in his life, but his brother had things to do to give him the best future.

He needed to be perfect so that Fugaku, Konoha, everyone would focus on him, counting on him, leaving Sasuke free to be himself and live his own life.

_Everything for Sasuke has always been his mantra, yet in order to give his brother everything, he took everything his brother wanted._

* * *

Sasuke doesn't mind waiting weeks to spend some time alone with Itachi.

_He does mind but he knows his brother has many important things to do and he can't ask him for more, even if he would like to._

They spend a day outside the village, in the woods near an ancient Uchiha site, looking for a rare medicinal plant.

_Sasuke feels like a child, helping his brother hunting the giant boar -he hopes he won't screw up this time._

After they fill two big baskets with the herb they decide to spend the night there, camping and talking under the moonlight.

_It's Sasuke who talks the most while Itachi listens, happily, because his brother is safe in a peaceful village._

_As safe as a shinobi can be, for death could catch them anytime, a scary voice tells him from time to time, so he works harder to make the village and the world a better place._

Sasuke hands him a small metal box with colorful confectionery. He bought it the day before for him, after hearing some girl praising these seasonal sweets.

Itachi thanks him with a warm smile.

"They're delicious, and you might like them as well. They're not excessively sweet."

He tells the younger, gesturing him to choose one.

Sasuke picks the smaller one and smells it before putting it in his mouth, grimacing as he swallows it.

"I guess they're better than homemade ones but they're still too sweet for me. How do you even eat those things?"

He gulps down some water.

When asked about Sakura and the other girls who gave him sweets the last time, Sasuke mentions what Itachi explained a few weeks before.

He doesn't say anything specific, besides repeating that he doesn't like the company of the girls he knows.

_Sasuke seems slightly confused; he never talks about personal matters with anyone._

_He is a good shinobi and a good student. He spends all his time training when most of the other boys and girls use their free time to have fun like adults would, drinking or dating, if not having sex._

_He wants to become like his brother so he focuses on training._

_He ignores that Itachi was precocious in every field._

_Besides, those were different times, and Anbu were a different kind of shinobi._

Is he attracted by a comrade? Itachi wonders.

Is it the 4th Hokage's son, Naruto? Is it someone else? A pang of jealousy hits him and he shouldn't feel this way. Everyone experiences attraction and affection sooner or later. Even he did.

_Did he?_

_Somehow the thought of his little brother having feelings for someone unsettles him, like the thought of someone doing things with his little brother's beautiful pale face, his hair, black as the night sky, his lips that so far curved upwards only for him, his neck, long and frail and tempting._

He can't betray Sasuke's trust with his selfishness. His brother is growing up: sex and romance are a part of it. He just needs to get used to it.

"Father would tell you to never give anyone reasons to talk ill about the Uchiha clan, because even though we are no longer discriminated, it only takes a minor mistake to change the masses' opinion."

Sasuke always wanted to be like him. He would never do anything to discredit the clan.

Even with Itachi's constant intercession, Fugaku was strict with him as well.

The boy admires and respects his father. He works hard to be acknowledged by him.

_So far he only obtained an almost indifferent approval and countless comparisons with his older brother instead of praises for his successes instead._

_Sasuke never complains. He is used to his father's treatment since he was a child._

_Yet Itachi knows that it stings to never be enough._

_He can see it in his brother's look every time it happens: the hope crumbled one more time, the defeat, the unconscious jealousy towards him, even if Sasuke himself doesn't realize that because he admires and loves Itachi._

_Maybe a romantic interest will make the frustration more bearable._

_Besides, Itachi worked hard so that his brother wouldn't have to live like him._

"But, I am not Father. I know you would never do such thing anyway. I trust your good judgment, little brother, so follow your heart and be happy."

It's not unexpected that Sasuke follows his suggestion.

_He has always been told to obey to his older brother, after all._

It's unexpected that Sasuke kisses him.

_He must have struggled because after Itachi's speech he falls in a silence that speaks of inner turmoil, before he gets closer, kneeling in front of his brother, lightly touching his crossed legs to prop himself towards the elder's astonished face._

It's just a peck on the lips but the look in his eyes reveals all his want and need and fear.

When he tries to kiss Itachi again his mouth is slightly open.

"Sasuke, we can't."

Itachi's voice is barely a whisper.

_Sasuke just kissed him._

_His brother just kissed him._

_The brother_ _Itachi had wanted to kiss since he grew up into a beautiful teen, but he was ashamed of his own sick desire so he resisted to this new temptation, because that's what strong shinobi do, just kissed him._

"But you just said follow your heart!"

_Itachi is the one he wants._

_Itachi, amongst all his comrades, is the one he needs._

_The elder's heart can't suppress a surge of pride thinking that no matter how much time has passed, for Sasuke he is still the most important one._

_No matter how much time has passed, in Sasuke's heart there still is the little child who looked at his big brother like a god because he could walk and run while he could only crawl and reach out his tiny arms to be lifted._

"Not on this. This will ruin you."

_No more fleeting pride._

_He must fix this. Sasuke is pure, he can't taint him._

"Why?"

_So naive, his little brother. There is no right or wrong. There are no problems, no consequences._

_If he wants something, he wants it._

Itachi caresses Sasuke's cheek.

_He can't help it._

He traces his lips with his thumb, Sasuke closes his eyes.

_If only he could trace them with his mouth and tongue..._

He traces his jawline, descending to his neck.

_If only he could graze his teeth over them..._

Under his fingers, Sasuke holds his breath, waiting.

Waiting.

_He waited months, years, maybe his whole life for this to happen._

_There is no wrong or right, no problem or consequence._

_He loves Itachi. Like a brother, like something else, what does it matter?_

_They are the same ones anyway._

_Love is love._

_Need is need._

_Want is want._

Yet nothing happens.

_A strong shinobi doesn't give in to temptation, no matter how easy and willing it is._

_A strong shinobi must focus on the final goal and Itachi's goal is the best life for Sasuke._

_Everything for Sasuke, he tells himself, ignoring the need to_ _kiss back_ _those lips begging for him to come in, to ravage that thoat tensing towards him, to explore his body, to take him, to claim him as his own._

Itachi knows that if he gives in to temptation _-if he gives Sasuke what he wants -_ he will desecrate the pure perfect brother who never saw war, who can't remember discrimination, whose missions are never assassinations.

Everything for Sasuke, he tells himself as he stands up and pokes the boy's forehead whispering: "Sorry Sasuke, I can't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The events that shaped their universe will be specified later on.
> 
> This Naruto universe and its relation ship and ethics are also loosely inspired by Ancient Japan, Ancient Greece and Rome, but it's my creation, it doesn't want to be accurate and realistic. I decide what to bring to life according to my vision, which is personal and influenced by different things.
> 
> The random traditions and etiquette I describe are a mix or Japanese and Mediterranean-generic, don't expect accuracy. I want to convey a traditional Japanese feel to my story because it's Naruto, but I don't care about being exact, on purpose.
> 
> I don't want to describe an existing society. I decide what to bring to life according to my vision, which is personal and influenced by different things.
> 
> The society I am writing is a militaristic one where men and women are considered different, not much unlike Naruto society, unfortunately.
> 
> Everyone is potentially bisexual; men and women are considered different from one another they relate better to the same sex than to the opposite. Same-sex relationships are accepted, for comfort and a better understanding of each other.
> 
> Age is not a problem here, like in ancient societies, the lifespan is shorter and everything starts earlier, which is more or less what happens in Naruto anyway. If kids are old enough to go to war, pre-massacre Shiita can happen as well. I don't like shota though. I don't specify ages and I imagine characters to soat least look at teens, just to make this clear.
> 
> I am going to use the word "pure" a lot in this fic. Please keep in mind that it's not meant as a sexual reference or a judgement: I would never bash anyone's preferences or lifestyles. It's a mental thing, mostly. Itachi sees Sasuke as pure because he hasn't seen the war and its horrors, his soul is untainted by it.


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

> " _Could I ever explain this feeling of love?_  
>  _It just lingers on_  
>  _The fear in my heart that keeps telling me_  
>  _Which way to turn" (Japan, Nightporter)_

 

The Uchiha elderly are either incredibly nice or incredibly unpleasant. No in-between.

The one to whom Itachi and Fugaku are paying their respects belonged to the latter group.

_The current leader and the future leader, the Konoha council member and the future Hokage._

_Someone found redundant that the Uchiha clan leader could also become Hokage._

_They even proposed to appoint Shisui, the other prodigy and leader or the bloodless Uchiha revolution, as clan leader, but the majority of the Council found nothing wrong with Itachi being both._

Itachi spots her in a corner at the opposite side of the cemetery.

He used to be friends with Izumi Uchiha during his childhood.

He saved her during Kyuubi's attack; from that moment on she stopped by every time she saw him around, both at the Uchiha District and the Academy.

_He was seldom around anyway._

_He was always training and practicing, alone, with his father, with Shisui._

_He had to become stronger and make the world better._

She had a crush on him, it was obvious by the way she got nervous and became too talkative.

He was uncomfortable in her presence because he could feel her anxiety, and he couldn’t return her interest.

_He had other things in mind. Like becoming a perfect shinobi and achieving a real long-lasting peace._

_He had another one in his heart. His little brother, whose arrival in the world he witnessed in silence, like all miracles, whose life was pure because he was born after the war, far from the blood and the screams and the hate, who couldn't stand up yet he stood higher than him and everyone else._

Her bouquet is composed of white chrysanthemums, as it's customary for funerals.

_At a second glance the whiteness hides something more._

When Fugaku gestures her to come over, recognizing her as the daughter of an influential clan member, she looks nervous, until she sees Itachi.

_How different from the past, when his presence made her nervous._

Once the man leaves them alone, reminding her to give her father his regards, she is relieved.

Itachi picks the bouquet she put down by the old man's grave.

“I apologize for interfering with your plans, Izumi-san.”

There aren't only chrysanthemums in the bouquet. The whiteness hides something more.

A white gardenia means secret love.

A white camellia means waiting.

A white lily means chastity.

A white rose means devotion and silence.

Izumi looked east when she talked to Fugaku. She wasn’t headed towards the elder’s grave.

She was nervous because the clan leader caught her doing something she wasn’t supposed to do.

“Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.”

She takes the flowers from Itachi's hands.

“Shall I come with you?”

He offers. Her smile doesn't reach her eyes.

* * *

 

Itachi didn’t know Uchiha Shuuto well.

His name is familiar because Sasuke went on a mission with his team once. He said that he was a chatty guy with unimpressive skills.

_Sasuke disliked Izumi too, since he was a toddler and she insisted to hold him, separating him from Itachi._

_He didn't like when a random person separated him from his big brother._

_Except for Shisui._

_He was jealous of him but he also admired him very much. Everyone admired the hero who, together with his brother, granted the Uchiha clan the justice and equality they deserved._

Itachi remembers having seen him on the Anbu monitors.

Back then he had more important matters to think about, although from the way they looked at each other, under the Uchiha District gate, it was clear that they were in love.

Izumi explains that they were team mates, that they were in love since they were 12, that he activated his sharingan when an enemy targeted her during their first mission.

He wasn't the strongest shinobi but he had a good heart. He wanted to protect people. He loved the village and the clan in the same way. He was happy because in a few months he would have started working in the Police Force.

They were shinobi. Death could catch them anytime.

Although Shuuto died protecting their client with his life, his death was considered a stupid accident, for a sharingan user shouldn't have been so careless to allow the enemy to hit from behind.

His death was meaningless in their clansmen’s eyes, just like her life without him.

Their union would have been forbidden: in the Uchiha clan marriages are arranged. Izumi’s father being a powerful member, he would have never allowed his daughter to marry the son of a food stand owner.

Even if Izumi and Shuuto didn’t have a future together they dreamed about it.

“We hoped that once you became the clan leader you would change things...”

She mutters, sobbing quietly.

Her older sister was the only one to know about them. Being a pragmatic woman, she reassured her that the thing called love never lasts long, that she would soon get over it.

“She’s wrong. I’ll love him forever. I’ll never love anyone else.”

Her voice is broken but her look is determined.

“You are wise, Itachi-kun. Tell me sincerely: do you think I’m delusional?”

She asks, reminding him of the past, when she used to ask him all sorts of questions as if he were an oracle.

“I think you are right...” he whispers, looking away.

She can't imagine that he set everything up so that the brother he loves more than his own life will have a better fate than him, or her, for they both know that her father and Fugaku have been probably planning their marriage since they were children and she waved enthusiastically at him every time she saw him walking by.

* * *

 

Shisui used to know Shuuto. He feels sorry for his death; he was a good guy, he tells Itachi while they walk with no destination after a clan meeting.

The elder's imitation of the most prominent clan members, once they are alone, steals more than one smile from Itachi's lips, whose reprimands are not delivered with much conviction.

Around everyone else Shisui is very different, calmer and collected, as it’s becoming for a hero.

Years after the bloodless coup people are still both in awe and intimidated by him.

The scar under his right eye reminds everyone of Danzo's vile plan and what they all risked.

Despite his fame he is the best at lightening the mood and saying the right thing at the right time. He has been since his childhood.

He has always been good at reading people. Even better than Itachi.

Because of his attitude he always had many friends. Yet he knew that siblings were different.

A brother or sister is always there, sometimes unwanted, sometimes welcome.

The first time he saw Itachi it was after the war, during the victims' memorial.

He felt bad for that horribly serious child.

He thought it was a consequence of being the leader's son. He was surely being brought up under strict rules; that man looked like he didn't even know how to smile.

Yet Shisui knew it was because of the war.

He devised the perfect solution: he, who needed a sibling, would act like an older brother to Itachi, who needed someone to be a child with.

Even when Sasuke was born nothing changed for him.The more, the merrier.

Itachi needed a big brother anyway. He needed a role model, having become an older brother himself.

Shisui understood Itachi better than anyone.

He was the only one who did.

He would have never wanted to break his heart, showing him his suicide.

Faking his death was the only way to make Danzo slip.

Faking his death was the only way for Itachi to activate Mangekyou Sharingan without harming someone else.

Even if it meant that Itachi would lose the only one he could speak with, his almost older brother, his best friend, his partner in more than one way.

Even if it meant that Itachi would be accused of his murder, considered a traitor by their own people, cornered by Danzo, having to face everything alone, repeating to himself over and over that he was the only one who could find a solution, that there was no one to count on but himself.

If Shisui had found another way to fix things between the clan and the village, if he had found another way to activate his cousin's power, he would never have resorted to such extreme measures, but there was much more than them at stake.

There was their whole clan; there was Sasuke's life.

Everything for Sasuke, Itachi used to say.

Shisui knew there was no other choice, he knew Itachi would understand, which he did.

Besides, years later, Itachi returned him the favor.

More than his payback it was destiny's.

Itachi didn't even realize that he was breaking Shisui's heart. Shisui made sure he wouldn't. It wasn't his fault anyway: feelings can't be controlled.

* * *

 

"So your father is plotting something with Uchiha 'we'll show them' Akio, huh?"

Akio Uchiha used to repeat those words during meetings. Now they can laugh about it but in the past he was one of the hardest ones to convince to follow Itachi's plan.

"Does it have something to do with that long mission outside the village?"

Itachi shakes his head.

"It's about my engagement…"

* * *

 

“I’m not a virgin anymore” Izumi told Itachi. A simple statement that meant that she wasn't ashamed to have given her heart and body to the one she loved and would always love.

“And I don’t want to...” she added, determined and frail at the same time.

“I don’t want to...either”, he interrupted calmly.

He wasn’t being harsh. He really wasn't interested in having intercourse with her.

He was well aware that they would have to conceive, but there were other methods.

She was surprised when he told her, but she trusted him.

A woman loves her sons no matter what, they say.

She believed it: her mother didn’t love her father but she loved her and her siblings. Her sister didn’t love her husband, but she adored her daughters.

Itachi's plan was better than any alternative she had.

Without him she would have to marry someone who would want her to act like a real wife.

Staying unmarried wasn't an option either. Unmarried women were a disgrace to the family. Especially if they had the chance of marrying the future leader but refused because they were in love with a late unimpressive shinobi.

She was pretty and fertile, her duty was to breed and enlarge the clan.

It would take time to change such mentality; they both knew that, just like Shuuto did.

Itachi asked her help to transform society, not her love, and she accepted because her loved one, like Itachi, believed in working for a better world.

* * *

 

Shisui and Itachi's training spot isn't located in the fields like everyone else, but in a secluded area by the woods. Today they don't feel like throwing shuriken though. It's Shisui the first one to declare the training over.

He drops unceremoniously on the ground, sighing.

“Even the word engagement is weird...” he muses.

It's not marriage yet but it ties two people almost as tightly.

Not that Shisui didn't know this day would come.

He's not even jealous.

He knows that there is someone else in Itachi's heart.

There has always been, and it's not Izumi.

He will have to do the same too. Everyone will, if they don't die first.

Fooling around, getting close -too close, so close that it burned -to comrades happens, sooner or later.

Males understand other males better. So do females with each other; yet children are only born from male and female and the unwritten rule of the human race is to multiply.

Shinobi are sneaky by definition and the clans' reputation is more important than individual feelings. They can do what they want with whom they want, as long as they do their duty and don't get caught.

As long as the sound of their heart breaking -or someone else's- doesn't become too loud.

* * *

 

"Isn't it early?" Shisui finally asks.

"Not for an engagement..."

"Why am I not surprised? I even heard your father talking about cementing the alliance between the Uchiha and the Hyuuga clan with a marriage…"

Shisui respects Fugaku, as the clan leader, as a strong shinobi and as Itachi's father, but he disagrees with many of his positions.

Shisui's late father was not as strict as him, yet he is considered a prodigy, just like Itachi.

“At this pace he's going to find a wife for your brother in no time...” he jokes, only to realize that Itachi is not laughing.

The clan's heir must marry a clan's woman. He must be a beacon of stability and continuity.

The younger son’s marriage can serve a different purpose, like an alliance with the Hyuuga clan. Both doujutsu users, both distrustful of Konoha's old methods, the idea of an offspring with new visual abilities appealed to both leaders.

“Hopefully there won't be need to arrive to that.”

Itachi replies. His voice is calm but his look is troubled, Shisui can tell.

The Hyuuga clan is going through a time of deep changes and Itachi knows it.

Hinata, the heiress, will marry Neji. There won't be main and branch house anymore.

Fugaku wants Sasuke to marry her sister Hanabi.

She has yet to grow up to an appropriate age for engagement, there is still time.

His father is eager to leave his leadership to him and become a full-time Konoha elder. Once he'll become the clan leader Itachi will ensure the Hyuuga clan that they're their best allies, with no need for a strategic marriage or a son whose unpredictable abilities would cause more damage than they expect, with both clans wanting to claim as their own.

Fugaku didn't listen to Itachi about this, nevertheless the prodigy was able to stop him from arranging a future engagement. The Hyuuga clan had to settle their own internal issues first or they'd perceive his insistence as an attempt to take advantage of their momentary weakness.

They weren’t as stable and united as the Uchiha, he said, implying that the clan's current state was a result of his leadership.

Fugaku nodded, content at that praise, declaring that all things considered there was no rush.

Not for Itachi, whose every effort was to make sure that Sasuke would never be used as a pawn.

He and Shisui were not delusional. They knew that the cultural revolution they dreamed of would be a slow process.

They used to talk about it all the time, by the river, discussing and analyzing every different idea and perspective.

Then their mouths would stop talking, to make room for their hands.

They saw through the illusion that was their current peaceful era.

For them real peace meant less shinobi and soldiers; less need to procreate, less need to enlarge the clan with more individuals to send to war.

Real peace meant that societal roles and duties would loosen up; couples would form out of love, children would be born out of free will. They wouldn't be taught how to kill before they can read.

To achieve it they were ready to sacrifice themselves.

To achieve it Shisui was ready to fake his own death in front of his cousin.

To achieve it Itachi is ready to change things in the easier way for everyone to accept, even though for him it’s going to be harder.

No one would respect him if he changed everything starting from his own position. He would be considered a coward, a troublemaker, his authority would be undermined and his proposals would be rejected.

To achieve real peace Itachi is ready to work from within, becoming a part of the system and only once he’ll obtaine everyone's respect, he'll show them a new, better way.

* * *

 

“Please Shisui, take Sasuke under your wing.”

Shisui's surprise at Itachi's request doesn't last long.

He knows very well that his cousin lives to protect his brother, whom he still sees as the innocent creature born after the war.

He knows that as Sasuke grew up and his feelings for Itachi changed into something more, so did Itachi's.

_As if the same seal unlocked both their hearts at the same time._

He also knows that the elder he is ashamed of them, that he sublimates them by caring about the boy in the purest and most selfless way.

Nevertheless Itachi was wrong when it came to Sasuke.

As if guilt prevented a part of his brain from working properly, turning him blind to what Sasuke really felt, wanted or needed.

_The boy always loved Itachi. The boy always needed Itachi. The boy always wanted Itachi._

It's easy for him to read his cousin, he has been doing it since they were children.

It's ironic that no matter how insightful he is, he has never been able to do the same.

_Were he able to read him he'd see how deeply Shisui loved him, even knowing Itachi didn't love him just as much._

_Were he able to read him he'd see how deeply Shisui still loves him._

_Were he able to read him he'd see that Shisui has always been jealous of Sasuke, around whom Itachi's life revolved directly or indirectly, to whom Itachi wanted to bestow a better world, at the cost of his own self._

_Were he able to read him he'd see how reluctant Shisui is to accept his request._

_Yet how can he refuse something to the one he loves?_

“Don't worry. I've always been his older brother too.”

Shisui gave up to Itachi’s heart a long time ago anyway.

He never thought there could be something more than what they had.

_He only hoped, in vain._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though I wanted to write a ShisuixSasuke thing since the non-massacre filler episodes came out, it's only after I heard Waltz2's enthusiasm in plotting her House Of Cards AU that I felt the strong urge to actually write my story, putting aside another rare pairing fic I was working on.
> 
> Her AU is not out yet; it's going to be more detailed and accurate than mine for sure. Our characterization of certain characters like Fugaku, Mikoto and Izumi is going to be different, and so will the pairings. Anyway both stories will take place in a non-massacre , more or less filler oriented universe and both stories will be written with the utmost dedication. It will be interesting to see where our different personalities and creativity will arrive, from a similar, if not identical, starting point.
> 
> So, I dedicate this chapter to her.
> 
> I definitely felt free to add my own touch to Izumi's personality. Instead of a self-insert friendly girl who is hopelessly in love with brooding Itachi, I made her grow up, live her own life and find real love with someone else. She lost him, becoming inconsolable, forever faithful to her lost love, widowed too soon, even though no one knows.
> 
> It's an ancient mythology and literature trope, like Tristan and Yseult. I wanted to give her an ancient feel as well, just like the clan is traditional too. Only, I'm not being accurate with Japanese traditions, and I'm mixing elements I like from random classical or ancient cultures. There are a lot of similarities anyway.
> 
> The flower language I used is the Japanese one.


	3. Chapter 3

> _Asphyxiate on words I would say_ _(AFI, This Time Imperfect)_

 

It's raining when Sasuke confronts Itachi about _it_.

Their parents are visiting someone from the Nara clan.

The Uchiha clan is no longer discriminated and public relations are more important than ever. It's Mikoto's area of expertise: with her gentle demeanor she puts everyone at ease, despite her husband's stern attitude.

She is the one who told Sasuke about _it._

He was back from a week long mission.

She assumed that his lack of reaction meant that he was really tired. He confirmed it when he excused himself to take a bath and go rest.

_What's the proper reaction when the one you love becomes someone else's?_

_What's the proper reaction when despite his rejection you swear that there was a fleeting moment where he wanted you almost like you wanted him?_

Sasuke comes out of his room only when they are alone.

He usually cherishes the rare moments he spends with Itachi, not having to justify to their father why he is wasting his brother's time or why he is not training to be more like him.

_Despite his father's remarks the only times Itachi is home are his happiest moments, to fondly remember even days after._

_He always trained hard, harder than anyone his age; according to his teachers and superiors his ability is remarkable, but Uchiha people expect nothing but perfection from the leader's son and the prodigy's brother, and he is far from it._

"Why?"

He barges into Itachi's room, tense and troubled.

"This is how things go, Sasuke."

_This is how things will keep going if I don't change the system, providing peace at a larger scale, which would grant personal freedom at a smaller one._

_But you don't need to know about this, little brother._

_I'll deal with this so you won't have to._

The elder is polishing his weapons, composed as always.

_He polished his resolve when he heard Sasuke pacing back and forth in his room._

"Yeah, I remember your speech. Don't be afraid of your feelings, cherish the time you have with who you love because you could die anytime...and so on."

He speaks fast, with hitched breath.

"You don't even love her."

" _You_ don't love her".

Itachi deadpans.

_You are right but I need you to believe this lie, his heart says wordlessly._

"You don't love her. I heard you telling Shisui once. Right before you two kissed."

Itachi doesn't remember if his ability to stay impassive in every kind of situation is acquired or he was born this way.

He remembers that moment. It was a long time ago.

_The clan was rejoicing for the prevented massacre._

_Izumi too, like many others, bowed before him and Shisui, as a sign of respect for the heroes who saved them all._

_His cousin teased him about her once they were alone. He replied that he wasn't interested._

" _Then prove it."_

_Shisui challenged. Itachi silenced him with a kiss._

_They were young, with years of distress to release and they only trusted each other._

Weird how they didn't notice Sasuke's presence back then. Even weirder how the boy remembered such episode. Yet the weirdest thing was that he didn't bring that up earlier.

_He was too young to understand, until his own feelings and needs opened his eyes._

"So", Sasuke comes closer, "You are ready to get a wife and do your duty because you already followed your feelings, lived your life and cherished the bond with your loved one?"

Itachi puts the kunai on the table and gets up.

"Sasuke, listen. I'm not getting married tomorrow or next month. And nothing is going to change between us."

His words are delivered in the most reassuring way, hoping that it will be enough to convince Sasuke. Knowing that it won't.

"Answer me."

Sasuke's tone is harsh.

He is close, so close, Itachi can smell his hair.

_The sense of smell is so powerful that it can trigger forgotten memories._

_Sasuke's hair have a different scent now, yet there is still a trace of the toddler he cradled in his arms so many times._

"Answer me."

His tone is no longer harsh this time.

_It's a plea._

His eyes locked on him, his voice lower, his arms hanging at his sides, his body open, defenseless: he's begging Itachi.

_He's begging his brother to tell him what he feels. He's begging his brother to taint him. With the purest soul he's begging him._

Giving him what he wants would be easy _-it's what he wants too-_ but the price is too high.

Sasuke's future is more important than this present moment.

Sasuke's soul is more important than his selfish desire.

_Because it's Itachi's selfish desire, not Sasuke's. Sasuke is confused. Sasuke is pure._

"Please" Sasuke whispers, tentatively pulling Itachi's neck towards him.

_Their breaths are mingling in the little space that separates their mouths._

_If that space were to close now he would never be able to let Sasuke go._

_If their mouths were to touch now his very soul would become a part of Sasuke's and that can't happen. His soul is tainted; he killed and spied and manipulated._

_He would sully Sasuke's, destroying him forever, for he knows that if they started now there would be no way to end it, later._

Without releasing his hold with one hand, the boy caresses Itachi's cheek with the other, his lips slightly parted, his eyes locked into the elder's.

_Sasuke would do anything for him._

_He loves him more than anyone, Itachi knows this all too well._

_He also knows that his brother doesn't realize what it means to give himself completely to the wrong person._

_Even if this person loves him more than words can express and if only they weren't born in that place and time he would accept him like a gift from the gods._

_Sasuke's love is too pure, too strong, too impulsive, just like him._

_Sasuke's love won't fade away. It can't._

_Sasuke's love must turn to hate. It's the only way to set him free._

Itachi grabs his wrists and pushes them back to his sides.

"Yes, I did."

His voice is devoid of any emotion, unlike Sasuke's.

"So you're marrying Izumi because it's your duty?"

"Yes."

_It would be pointless to claim he changed his mind about her. It would be too unlike him._

"But you love Shisui."

"Yes."

_Shisui is his best friend, his mentor, the one who taught him how to kiss, the only one he could trust during dark times, when he was only focused on protecting the one his heart belonged to._

_Has there ever been a time he was focused on someone else?_

"More than me..."

"Yes."

_Sasuke is smart but he has never been able to detect his lies._

_He trusts him too much._

_He admires him too much._

"Why?"

"You are my brother. I can't love you differently."

_Not a lie but a purposely vague statement whose particular shade Sasuke's doesn't get._

_I can't love you differently yet I do love you differently._

_I shouldn't love you differently but I do and it destroys my soul and will destroy yours if I don't set you free._

"What about our kiss?"

Sasuke asks, his voice fainter with each blow his heart is taking.

Itachi's is firmer with each blow it's striking.

"You were confused. I was careless. It was a mistake."

"I was not confused," his determined look confirms his words, "I am not confused."

"...Besides," Itachi interrupts him like he never did before, "That wasn't even a real kiss..."

_He can't be fair if he wants Sasuke to be free._

_He can't be kind if he wants Sasuke to hate him, even if his heart is aching because he can tell how strongly he is hitting his brother with each word._

_Yet it's for his  sake that he must continue._

_Sasuke can't be happy if he's in love with his own brother. Itachi knows it by experience._

"You bastard!"

Finally anger gets the best of Sasuke; his first aims for Itachi's face.

The elder blocks him effortlessly, pulling him over.

_Strong shinobi never let emotions get in the way of a fight._

_Emotions reveals their weaknesses, making them vulnerable._

_Itachi knows that he's going to win because_ _Sasuke ignores that he has always been his brother's weakness._

_He ignores that even right now Itachi would want to pull him over and hug him tight, kissing him again and again, instead of holding him still with a stone cold face._

He grabs his brother's throat and pushes him against the wall.

The air forced out of his lungs, Sasuke coughs choking out a curse, trying to get free from the vicious grip.

_He looks confused. He took blows from him, it's normal to be hit when training or sparring but this is different._

_This is real. His older brother is standing in front of him, his ponytail resting on his shoulder from a previous movement, his eyes slightly narrowed._

_He looks threatening and beautiful at the same time._

_He truly is perfect, Sasuke thinks despite being at his mercy now. Or maybe because of that._

_Itachi sees the same perfection as about him, as he takes in the pale face, the wide open eyes, the parted lips, the chest going up and down, the nails dinning into his wrists, the pulse under his fingers._

_The next blow will be fatal for both._

Itachi loosens his hold, enough to keep the boy aware but not enough to make him feel safe.

_He'll be safe once he'll hate him._

"It's our duty to love our flesh and blood, no matter how foolish and weak they are, don't you agree, Sasuke?"

_So naive, his little brother; so ready to believe everything his big brother says._

_Itachi fights his instinct to pull him close to his chest and protect him, but it's him, he_ _must protect him from, now._

"Do you want to know why I prefer Shisui over you?"

The boy doesn't recognize that malicious tone.

"Because he is stronger than you..."

He whispers and Sasuke stops breathing, Itachi's words hurting more than his fingers curled around his throat.

"...Because in my eyes you are worthless."

_Itachi knows Sasuke's weaknesses._

_His brother wants to be acknowledged._

_Their father never did, his standards set on Itachi's achievements._

_Itachi did when he could, but he had other priorities, like stopping the massacre, like building a better future, so he ended up neglecting him too._

_He knows that his brother overthinks his words, as they are the only positive reinforcement for him, who can't live up to their clan's standards._

_He sees that behind the mask of detachment and arrogance Sasuke hides a low self-esteem. He is aware that his brother imagines that he and Shisui spend more time together because Shisui is stronger, not imagining that in Itachi's eyes Sasuke is not weak._

_To him Sasuke is the pure perfect creature born after the war._

_To him Sasuke has to be kept pure and safe._

_Did his efforts to grant him a better future matter more than his self-esteem? Itachi asked himself many times, seeing how dejected his brother looked._

_The answer was always the same._

"My worthless little brother..."

_How ironic that Itachi is trying to distance himself from Sasuke but he got so close to his body without realizing. He knows that he's sending mixed signals that will confuse the poor boy even more. He hates his weakness for not being able to prevent his body from leaning on his brother's, even if only for an instant, before he gets a hold of himself._

Sasuke is hard.

The proximity _-the hand on his throat-_ must have caused the unwanted reaction.

_Sasuke hates his pathetic self, turned on despite his brother's hateful words._

_Itachi hopes that he'll only hate the one who pronounced them, in due time. Not himself._

The elder looks down at him, disgusted.

_He can't show weakness now. He can't ask for forgiveness._

_He can't comfort the boy. He can only go on._

As he releases his hold he turns his back on him, going back to cleaning his weapons as if nothing happened.

_If Sasuke could see Itachi he'd spot the wetness shimmering in his eyes._

_If Sasuke could hear Itachi he'd notice his voice is broken, just like both their hearts._

Itachi can only guess that his brother is fighting hard not to fall on the floor as his legs give out.

When he hears him whispering "I hate you" before leaving the room, he knows that he successfully completed the mission.

He always does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess it's safe to say that it is not a fic by Avenger Hawk if there is no throat grabbing at some point.
> 
> In my defense I should say that when Itachi does that in canon it's a meaningful moment in their relationship, that signs Sasuke very deeply. Also, whenever they stood against each other in canon, Itachi was always very physical with Sasuke, punching and grabbing his arms and throat, in a very intimate way, unlike his usual self. Sasuke on the other hand had an opposite approach, using weapons or a chidori charged hand. this made me think a lot about them. But I'm trailing off.
> 
> In this non-massacre AU, this is a sort of inn-scene. Here Itachi thinks he must be cruel to Sasuke so he will move on with his life. He wants Sasuke to hate him because he saw how much Sasuke loves him, and how that love will destroy him, since Itachi is bound to the clan and his goal in life is not only changing the world but also, especially, changing Sasuke's world, so that he will be free, unlike him.
> 
> I like Itachi's dark side very much. The lengths he'd go for Sasuke, even against Sasuke's will, even with methods what are extreme. Here in this AU there is no war or death danger, but still I tried to express the same feeling, in a different, softer context.
> 
> He is not a sadist, of course, but he is extremely controlling. And he sees pain as inevitable, so his dark side has a sadistic streak in my opinion. Even though he'd take all kind of pain and suffering on himself, lessening Sasuke's burden, if he could. which is more or less what he's doing here, living a life for the clan, so that Sasuke will be free. So his apparently sadistic gesture is not sadistic at all, in the big picture.
> 
> Needless to say I broke my own heart in the process.
> 
> Sasuke doesn't care about the consequences of his feelings. He loves Itachi and that's all. Their society, as I wrote it, is quite liberal. Not for incest, of course. But for him that is a lesser problem.
> 
> I see Sasuke as someone with a masochistic streak. Not in a BDSM sense though. In this AU he has been neglected because he is not as perfect as Itachi, and he's used to only have the crumbs of Itachi and his father's attention. so he's starved for anything that Itachi can give him.


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

> " _Just because you're better than me_  
>  _Doesn't mean I'm lazy_  
>  _Just because you're going forwards_  
>  _Doesn't mean I'm going backwards" (To Have And To Have Not, Lars Frederiksen And The Bastards)_

 

Sasuke admires and respects strength, regardless of whom it belongs to, young age and neglect turning his innate pride into the clear understanding that in order to become stronger he must learn from the strongest.

_Fugaku never had time for him but he didn't mind: he wanted to be taught by Itachi._

_That, too, happened rarely._

_Sasuke never got to know what Itachi felt._

_How hard it was to reject him every time, poking his forehead and making him wait, again, as always._

_How much he would have enjoyed to teach him everything he knew, to see the pure perfect creature born after the war unravel before his eyes like a bird learning to fly._

_How happy he was when he made it, correcting little mistakes, explaining his shortcuts for basic techniques, basking in his little brother's_ _light_ _of admiration and love,_ _mirroring it within his heart, where no one could see it, so not to blind the child._

_Itachi was sure that Sasuke would soar the highest skies one day, higher than him, higher than anyone else. Hawks fly higher than crows, unless they're tied to a chain._

_He didn't want to be that chain._

Kakashi was stronger than most Uchiha clansmen. Sharing his affinity to lightning Sasuke trained under his guidance for years. He would have never learned chidori otherwise.

That was the past though. Now he must learn from someone else.

Shisui of the Body Flicker. The fastest shinobi, able to create clones from after images.

The one whose name was enough for enemies to retreat without fighting.

So above everyone else that his brother chose him.

* * *

Swallowing pride and jealousy, using the right amount of politeness required for the task, Sasuke asks his cousin to train him.

His manners are formal, his words are appropriate. His eyes are cold.

_He was only warm with Itachi, before he threw him away._

_Shisui can't help but notice the difference with the respectful manners Itachi had when he first trained him._

He is met with equal coldness. No formality, as expected from a superior in rank.

_As expected from someone who is swallowing his own feelings to keep a promise to the one he loved and lost._

_Shisui imagined that it would have been more awkward between them but he was wrong._

_Sasuke is not as insightful on feelings as him and Itachi are._

_He doesn't need to hide his annoyance at all; his cousin is not going to understand its real reason anyway._

"I'll train you. I owe it to your brother, after all. But," Shisui adds with a reproaching look that Sasuke knows all too well, "I'll stop training you if you can't keep up. Don't think that I'll treat you nicely because of who you are. I don't have time to waste on spoiled brats."

He doesn't mind the elder's high and mighty attitude. He expects nothing less.

_Everyone in the clan consider him a living legend. Does his brother do the same?_

Besides, news of his recent disciplinary problem must have reached him.

_He got into a fight with Naruto as they were on a mission: Naruto was provoking him as usual but he was so full of blind burning anger that he couldn't control himself._

_The client complained to the Hokage, as the shinobi who were supposed to protect him did the complete opposite, and reclaimed his money back._

_Sasuke and Naruto were suspended for a few days._

_The young Uchiha had never gotten into such childish trouble._

_Luckily Itachi was on a mission, as Fugaku's livid look every time he crossed his path was more than enough._

His words don't offend the boy; he heard much worse, from the one he loved.

_From the one he loves, but he can't say it, not even to himself._

_Itachi is the one he needs to surpass. The one he needs to hate._

He doesn't consider himself a spoiled brat though. He has always trained harder than everyone he knows.

_No matter how hard he trained he didn't achieve the same results as his brother._

_Itachi is right about him._

_He is worthless._

_Maybe he is a spoiled brat too._

He would like to punch him in the face and change that annoyed expression into a pained one, but he gives up to even imagining of beating him up.

_They haven't spent time together in years._

_Usually his brother was with them but that time he had an important mission and his parents were meeting the clan elders._

_He was sick, he had a slight fever and his leg hurt._

_Shisui spent the whole day with him. He even cooked. Sasuke wasn't hungry but he ended up eating all his food; his cousin was a good cook indeed._

_They stayed the whole afternoon in Sasuke's room, in case he needed rest. Outside, the sky was gray and a gentle drizzle was drawing patterns on the window._

" _Did it hurt?"_

_Sasuke asked, gently touching Shisui's scar._

" _Not that much," the elder replied._

" _There are things that hurt more than physical pain..."_

_Like leaving his cousin, best friend and lover alone when the clan and the village were on the verge of war, piling a new suffering on his already burdened shoulders; like knowing that for Itachi he would never be the first one, he thought back then, but it only lasted a moment, because he reminded himself that they made it. That the clan was safe. That the village was safe. That Sasuke was safe. That Itachi could have some peace from that moment on. That both of them would. Together._

_Until death would catch them, or they would have to do their duty._

_As if Shisui would let Itachi die. As if he would lose him._

_The confused looking child shook him out of his musings. He smiled and said:_

" _Ah, who am I kidding...yes, it hurt."_

_Sasuke smiled back, touching his broken leg. Being allowed to admit he was in pain made him feel better._

" _It hurt like a bitch!"_

_The elder said laughing. When the boy started laughing as well he added:_

" _You didn't hear that word from me, kiddo, understood? I'm a hero, I can't be killed by your father!"_

_As the sky darkened, Sasuke's pain became stronger._

_Not being able to do much, Shisui brought him a glass of fresh milk._

" _Itachi will be back soon and he'll bring Tsunade. She's going to be the new Hokage but first she's going to heal you."_

_His brother insisted in waiting to heal Sasuke, just in case the danger wasn't really over and Danzo had previously taken countermeasures they hadn't accounted for. Besides, he only wanted the best medic for him._

_Shisui distracted the child with countless stories, about the Senju Princess, the founders of Konoha, himself and Itachi. They would meet again soon, he thought._

_They would be fine. The village, the clan, Sasuke were safe. He and Itachi were safe._

_That was years ago; now Shisui knows what both brother feel for each other and what he feels for both._

_Regret, for what he had with Itachi was the closest he could get to happiness and yet he let him go._

_Sadness, because he lost Itachi forever._

_Anger, because he lost Itachi to this boy._

_Jealousy, because he never had him, because of this boy who's glaring at him, trying to sound polite._

* * *

Spoiled brat becomes a recurring taunt.

Training with Shisui is hard, even for Sasuke, who is used to a harsh treatment.

Being the best of his class and his peer shinobi was easy for someone who trained all the time at home, where his grades were compared to Itachi's.

_And even when their grades were the same he still lost because his brother graduated earlier._

His father, Kakashi, every Uchiha adult used to say that his generation was weaker than theirs because of peace. What they all did during the war wasn't taught at the Academy. War was the toughest teacher.

Sasuke learned at an early age to dismiss his teachers' and class mates' praise and only strive to be acknowledged by the stronger ones, who in return made sure he got a taste of their old training.

Itachi was the only one who took the time to show him everything in detail, instead of just assuming he would catch up because he was an Uchiha.

Sasuke loved training with his brother. His explanations were easy, his corrections soft, never angry or humiliating.

Now he knows that his brother's caring attitude was a merciful lie, born from his sense of duty and Sasuke's weakness.

The elder saw him as hopeless, unworthy of being treated like stronger men, the boy once realizes, bandaging the results of a hard session.

Shisui is like everyone else.

No explanations. Sasuke must repeat what he does, if he makes a mistake he corrects him as they proceed.

Unlike Academy teachers and genin team leaders, who sometimes must hold back to allow his students to have a chance against them when training, Shisui uses his full abilities against Sasuke.

"You're no longer a genin and I don't have to explain you anything. You have to steal from me with your eyes if you want to learn."

He may be no longer a student but there are times when the young Uchiha feels like he never learned anything at all.

He was taught that lightning based jutsu are stronger than water based ones, but when his cousin uses one he defeats his Chidori anyway.

He's so fast that forming its seals is almost impossible, just like avoiding his blows, that seem to come from every direction all at once.

_Shisui doesn't say it out loud but he finds training with him beneficial because there aren't many lightning users. When he'll be able to use his element, that is._

_He doesn't concede any advantage. The real enemy wouldn't either. Or a rival._

If the brat weren't _his_ most precious person he would tell him that his persistence is admirable, during those days where his dejection is more evident.

He would advise him to ask what he doesn't understand with a less annoyed tone, so that the boy wouldn't feel like failing a test when he does, soon stopping altogether.

He reprimands himself because he should honor the promise made to Itachi in a better way.

He reminds himself of the time when his cousin was excited to have a little brother and he was almost as happy as him. Yet nothing happens beside more teasing.

Shisui plays with his weaknesses – his pride, his sense of inferiority, his need to be acknowledged by the ones he holds in high esteem, his love for his brother – to elicit an emotional reaction and distract him.

It's another way to weaken an opponent, after all.

_It's almost amusing, the way Sasuke keeps under control his otherwise rude mouth, not wanting to lose the chance to train with the strongest._

"You want to punch me, uh?"

He mocks him once, after they sparred.

Sasuke clenches his jaw. He is visibly exhausted.

_They're both tired: Shisui doesn't hold back._

_Even if he knows he's better than Sasuke he never lets his guard down, because the boy will get stronger and he already lost Itachi's heart to him._

"Go on then..." Shisui smugly points at the scar under his eye, "If you can. You won't be able to get close to this face for a long time, boy."

Sasuke takes off his shirt and wipes the sweat trickling down his face, neck and chest, his fists too tight around the garment, as if it were the other's neck.

"Maybe you'll never be..."

He adds, slightly tilting his head to avert the shirt thrown at him like a cannonball.

_He can't disrespect him but he can't restrain himself completely either._

_Even though he knows the elder may be right._

* * *

It's not unusual for him to come home battered and bruised, with a split lip or a black eye.

Sometimes limping heavily, favoring his side or his ribcage.

_He could go to the hospital but then they would know that he's weak, that he can't keep up with training with the Body Flicker and he doesn't want that._

_He can take injuries. He can take pain._

No one is worried about it: Shisui is the hero who saved the clan, together with Itachi. He protected Konoha many times. They all trust him.

_Itachi is worried but he can't express it._

_When they were children and he used to tend to his brother's injuries he would have never thought he would cause deeper and more painful wounds, that there would be nothing he could do except put a jar of salve in his room, to soothe all injuries but those ones._

_Sasuke thinks the salve is from their mother._

Team 7 is disbanded. Sakura starts studying medicine with Tsunade. Naruto decides to follow his late father's footsteps and become Jiraiya's pupil.

Sasuke could enroll in the Police Force, the only career opportunity for his clan, during the dark years of discrimination. Now it's open to everyone but it's still almost entirely composed by Uchiha people, who, given freedom and choice, chose to protect the village from the inside, maintaining order and justice, fighting crimes committed by other shinobi. It's a noble task that they accept with honor now that they're no longer forced into it.

_That fateful night the enthusiasm for having thwarted Danzo's vile plans was keeping the whole District awake._

_Small groups of civilians, all deep in conversation, were cleaning up the streets._

_Children didn't understand much; some helped the adult picking the remains of the events that could have ended them all, some played with their friends. As long as their parents could see them it was fine if they didn't go to sleep._

_When Uchiha Fugaku and his squad brought the masked Uchiha at the Hokage's Building, someone in the village was already awake and informed of the news._

_The Police Force could have dealt with the traitor without warning anyone._

_Especially that night. Especially because it was one of them._

_They had all the right to keep Konoha away from their issues, someone whispered as the clan leader marched onwards, impassive as always, not betraying any sign of animosity._

_That night he, and by extension the Police Force, became a symbol of justice, duty and loyalty in the eyes of shinobi and civilians alike._

Working in the Police Force was Sasuke's childhood dream, just like working side by side with his brother, but he's not a child anymore and his dreams are over.

_Itachi crushed them all._

Shisui doesn't ask why Sasuke wants to join his special jounin team.

He doesn't need to. The boy's look is enough.

_Once again, as always, Sasuke's eyes say more than his forcibly polite request._

_Hate, because Itachi chose him._

_Admiration, for the same reason._

He doesn't care. Accepting is part of the promise he made to Itachi.

At his conditions: the boy is not going to be pampered and praised. His team is not Team 7.

_As if Sasuke ever paid attention to their compliments._

If he doesn't want to be kicked out he must work hard and be humble.

_He must be more like Itachi._

* * *

Even the missions are different, longer and better paid but more impersonal.

Sasuke never cared about that aspect, only to get the job done, yet he can't help but notice that clients treated three man cells much better. Be it endearment or curiosity for their young age, they worried when they were wounded and thanked them when it was over.

No one cares if a shinobi from his new team is injured, instead. No one thanks them, as they receive money for their work.

Shisui's special jounin team is larger, older and highly specialized. Seals, taijutsu, tracking, everyone has his unique strength in addition to Uchiha's bloodline abilities.

Sasuke is the youngest and less experienced member.

Qualified as Shisui's apprentice, he must stay beside him all the time and obey his orders.

And everyone else's, as they're all his superiors in rank, and they all tease him, escalating from _Shisui's little cousin_ or _Shisui's bastard son_ to _Shisui's little sister_ and _Shisui's girlfriend_.

When his cousin finds the boy grappling with a higher ranked comrade, he grabs him by the hem of his shirt and pushes him outside of the locker room, shoving him against a wall, intimating that if he does that again he'll kick him out with no possibility of appeal.

"Adults relieve stress in many ways. One is joking, especially at the expense of spoiled brats like you."

_There are other ways to relieve stress too._

_Another one makes him think about Itachi, even though it never was a mere stress relief for them._

_Even though if it weren't for that feisty brat the other would have loved him._

"If you can't behave around adults get out of my squad, kid."

He dismisses Sasuke for the day, not asking what ticked him off after he behaved more or less properly since he joined them.

_He doesn't need to ask. He knows that his cousin tolerates insults and he knows what ticked him off._

_He heard it himself._

" _Not judging you guys but at least Leader could have brought in the team someone with a nice pair of tits instead of your skinny ass!"_

" _Oi, what does your brother say about you and Shisui being lovey-dovey all the time?"_

" _I bet that Itachi is ashamed of his little brother!"_

_That's why he threatens the whole squad._

_Everyone who disrespects their future clan leader and Hokage again will be kicked out too._

_Like Sasuke, he tolerates all insults but those against him._

* * *

When Sasuke was a child he liked Shisui's funny curls and big warm smile.

He used to play in the garden, waiting for his cousin and Itachi to come back.

He imagined them living exciting adventures, exploring or chasing after powerful creatures or anything that his mind came up with.

His mother used him to call them back so that he could spend a little time with them without being a burden.

When he arrived at their usual spot, they were training most of the time. Sasuke would stare at them in awe, daydreaming of being as strong as them one day.

Sometimes they were doing nothing, just laying on the grass and chatting.

In his childish mind that wasn't a grown-up thing; he was able to do that too.

He couldn't know that the boys discussed their common dream of achieving peace, voicing their worry about the tension rising in the clan and outside.

He couldn't understand that Itachi kept the bad things away from him, the purest creature, born after the war.

Thus he became jealous of Shisui.

Especially when he saw them kissing by the river.

The implications of that gesture weren't clear to him. He just interpreted it as another grown-up thing.

Nevertheless it felt strange, as if his brother was being taken away from him.

He returned to that feeling years later, hearing his friends talking about the person they were interested in.

For him there was no one like that. He only had eyes for Itachi.

_He always had, one way or another._

When he understood what he really felt the memory of that kiss resurfaced, and with it the old jealousy.

This time he knew what it was and why it hurt so much, albeit not as much as hearing Itachi whispering in his ear that he did love Shisui, while he, he was just blood and duty.

He can't imagine that Itachi lied so that he would stop loving him, or at least replace a hopeless love that would only destroy him, with a productive hate that will make him grow.

He can't imagine what life for his brother and his cousin was, surrounded by war and death and blind people who even after surviving those horrors were only interested in gaining power.

Shisui and Itachi were on the same wavelength.

They had the same perspective on life. The same ideals.

They felt safe with each other. They could talk about everything. They could explore new things together.

_Even their bodies._

Shisui offered Itachi relief and comfort without asking for commitment.

_Shinobi's only commitment is to their duty._

_To their village, to their missions, to their clan._

_To protect the village from enemies. To carry out the mission the client paid them for._

_To have sons and enlarge the clan._

_Everything else, everything private is ephemeral._

Sasuke can't imagine that Shisui was truly, madly in love with his brother.

That Shisui's feelings for Itachi were the same Itachi had for him.

_He doesn't know that they still are. For both._

That he has always been the most important one for Itachi.

He is not as insightful on people as his brother and cousin are.

He's not interested in their intricacies: if it were for him everyone should drop stupid formalities and state what they think.

He hates to observe an etiquette that forces him to respect old idiots whose strength is probably a myth they invented themselves.

He hates to be forced to greet Izumi when he sees her.

Even if he would still punch him until his smug look is gone, respecting Shisui doesn't feel as forced as everything else.

Shisui is really stronger than him. Maybe he is even stronger than Itachi.

_Even though he can't imagine anyone being stronger than his perfect older brother._

They are both prodigies. They are both heroes.

Together they stopped their clan from carrying on a coup d'état.

Together they prevented Konoha from wiping the clan out.

He wonders if he'll ever reach their level.

Sometimes, when he accomplishes a good result and his cousin hums a distant approval, he thinks that he just need to push himself further.

Sometimes, after a hard day's training, where the elder effortlessly defeats him, under the impassive demeanor that shields the recess of his soul, he gives in to angry despair.

How can he even think about surpassing Shisui the Body Flicker?

Not only he changed their clan's ambition, not only they countered Konoha's plan, he also killed Danzo.

He also saved Itachi's life.

He also saved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Itasasu and Shiita are not going to be the main pairing in this fic, although I'm giving my best to describe them, both being very different and very important.
> 
> In this story (and in canon, in my opinion) Shisui is, for Itachi, a pillar of strength. Being a prodigy, being raised as such, always expected to be perfect and fulfill his purpose, which is the enpowerment of the clan, Itachi had only him to talk to. He didn't even need to talk because Shisui was aware of his state before he even voiced it. They shared the same ideals, it was natural that he felt lost when he died. Then, he said it himself, he started to isolate himself, not trusting anyone anymore, trying to save things only by himself.
> 
> I tried to describe this sort of background for them. 
> 
> Sasuke is different. Itachi couldn't talk to him, he wanted to spare him from all the bad things, thus keeping him at a distance that was both safety and adoration...and to Sasuke something else, pure distance, not being able to understand what went on in Itachi's mind. Itachi was on a "higher" level compared to Sasuke, since he had more strength and knowledge. It wasn't to put him down but to protect him. Yet Sasuke felt the rift in a different way, becoming competitive and jealous.
> 
> Shisui wanted to protect Itachi too. But he didn't keep him from the truth. It would have been impossible since both were prodigies and shinobi, so he protected him as he could, when he could, as if Itachi were his little brother, but he also treated him like an equal. 
> 
> In my story, Shisui survived the events, like every other Uchiha, so his personality is not limited to the sacrifice he made committing suicide. He evolves, he becomes more human, having feelings of love for Itachi, and feelings that aren't so selfless and perfect because the more one lives, the more things happen, the more occasions there are to act in a non-heroic way. In a more human way. Feeling jealous, for example. Or "hating" Sasuke, somehow, and taking it out on him when he comes training under him (oops, under him sounds like something else that, uhm, will happen.)
> 
> I really like my Shisui, next chapter you'll read exactly why.
> 
> I also wanted to write Itachi's turmoil in the days before the massacre, when everything else had failed and he could only save Sasuke. I write it completely detached from everyone, seeing them as ghosts already. Not literally, in case someone doesn't get it. The initial quote is explanatory enough.
> 
> I'm sorry if someone is disappointed because Itasasu or Shiita are not written as they want, in here. Blame my creativity, blame my interest for how environment influences characters, blame my interest for rare pairings. ShisuixSasuke is only interesting to me I guess. 
> 
> Who knows, someone will like it as well. It worked for MinatoxItachi in the past...


	5. Chapter 5

>  
> 
> " _The author of an atrocious undertaking ought to imagine that he has already accomplished it, ought to impose upon himself a future as irrevocable as the past." (J. L. Borges, The Garden Of The Forking Paths)_

 

Shisui was a hero indeed.

Back then Itachi was a double agent, spying on both Uchiha and the Leaf and reporting directly to Danzo despite knowing the Elder's hatred for his kin.

He and Shisui were negotiating with Hiruzen, Shisui being in the frontline so not to further burden Itachi.

This identified him as a threat for Danzo, who decided to get rid of him and take his eye, his Kotoamatsukami being the ultimate weapon to manipulate whomever would oppose his advancement.

Backed up by his most trusted Anbu he ambushed the Body Flicker but he couldn't defeat him: he only thought he did.

Under its influence the man saw the horrified surprise on the Uchiha's face as he moved faster than him.

Under its influence he felt his fist slamming into the Uchiha's gut.

Under its influence he felt the thick blood and the soft elasticity of the eye he plucked out of the Uchiha's socket.

Not questioning his vision, too arrogant to realize that no matter how strong and experienced he was he couldn't defeat the fastest shinobi nor he could outsmart him, he returned to his quarters after his imagined victory.

Shisui couldn't return to the compound and hide there; there were cameras everywhere.

He couldn't involve Itachi either. He was already a double spy, he couldn't handle a third party.

Not with his actual strength.

He needed to become stronger. They needed to be ready for what was going to happen.

_Itachi needed Mangekyou Sharingan. He needed to experience the loss of a loved one._

_Shisui figured that even if there was someone Itachi loved more, he would have been enough._

Itachi used to say that the Uchiha needed to open up to other clans. All groups were closed and jealous of each other, but if they could find common ground it would be beneficial for each one of them. Especially the Hyuuga clan, who had a troubled history, quite similar to their own.

Shisui had that discussion in mind when he chose the Hyuuga compound to hide.

It wasn't an easy task: as soon as, staggering and bleeding, he entered their territory he was imprisoned.

His eye injury only roughly treated, he was locked in a cell for weeks, interrogated over and over. Even tortured a few times.

It was hard to believe to his story, not because they didn't imagine that someone from their village could do such things, but because never before an Uchiha had sought help from another clan.

Hiashi's people often disagreed with Konoha's politics. There was a rift between the Hokage's Council and the biggest clans, they said, but for all they knew what they heard from the prisoner could have been an elaborate strategy to label them as traitors thus weakening them.

With his and Itachi's goal in mind, Shisui endured every beating, every interrogation, patiently waiting, humbly appealing to Hiashi and the others' wisdom, and to their common origin, reminding them that if the Uchiha fell, the Hyuuga would be next.

_Shisui had always been good with people._

It took time but once he earned their trust, they didn't only accept to hide him for as long as he needed.

They accepted to support the Uchiha clan.

Months passed and Danzo's manipulations became more blatant: he frequently humiliated Itachi in front of Hiruzen and the elders, he convinced them of the impending danger his clan was becoming.

Itachi could only his confirm his suspicions. Tired of the restrictions inflicted upon them, they were preparing to overthrow the existing rulers and take the power by force.

He forced Itachi to choose between destroying his whole clan and sparing Sasuke's life, or side with his people against the village, condemning his little brother to death.

The war-hawk would make sure the child would be the first victim.

It wasn't a choice; Itachi would have done anything to keep Sasuke alive.

_Even if it meant taking innocent lives._

_The life of the pure creature born after the war was sacred._

Not knowing when he would be given the fatal order, the young Uchiha's life turned into an even worse nightmare. To cope, he imagined to have already accomplished what he hadn't been ordered yet.

He started seeing everyone in the district as dead people, ghosts floating around.

He became numb, unfeeling. Dead, like everyone would soon be.

Only Sasuke was able to give him life again, if only for the shortest moment.

_He was surrounded by ghosts just like him._

* * *

It was during a rare free moment he was spending with his little brother that he spotted an old woman carrying a big basket. When its handle broke and a few anpan tumbled to the ground, he rushed to help her.

"My, my, what a mess!" the lady cried out when approached.

"Would you keep this for me?" She put the basket in his hands as she took out the remaining breads out of it, putting them in a square piece of fabric she carefully folded and wrapped.

"Do you like anpan, young man?" She asked. Not waiting for his reply she continued: "Oh, I'm sure you do. Who doesn't?".

She pointed at the soft round shape left in the broken basket, still in Itachi's hands.

"I'll prepare melonpan next time!" the Hyuuga lady greeted cheerfully, walking away.

He ate her gift by himself, in his room.

Sasuke hated sweets and he didn't feel like eating with ghosts.

His heart skipped a beat when he recognized the handwriting in the piece of paper inside it.

"Tomorrow, same spot, same time. Alone. You'll be escorted to the Hyuuga district. Can't wait to flip your ponytail again..."

_Since he grew his hair Shisui had always flipped his ponytail to tease him._

_He never did it in front of others. Only when they were alone and Itachi was allowed to lower his guard._

_Was he really alive?_

_Itachi saw him bleeding from one eye yet plucking the other out for him._

_He heard him ordering not to stop him._

_He felt the air shifting as he tried to grab his arm._

_He screamed his name as he disappeared in the dark waters._

_Was it an illusion?_

_Was this a trap?_

The following day the same old lady in the same spot was carrying a huge bag full of groceries.

He offered to carry it for her, following her into the Hyuuga's territory, then into her house.

There Itachi saw him.

His sharingan activated spontaneously as their eyes met, an emotional reaction disguised as rational, to check if the man accompanied by the clan's leader and other elders was really Shisui.

_Hyuuga clothes -a white tunic and trousers with a brown additional bottom piece- suited him._

Was he taller or was it an impression? His posture was hunched last time.

From that night he carried a scar under his right eye, a jagged line carved by Danzo's kunai, a bloody gash last time he had seen it.

_He had tried to stop the bleeding but Shisui had stopped him imstead._

Shisui was about to move towards him, smiling, when Itachi cut him off.

"We have things to discuss and there is not much time if we don't want to arouse suspicion."

He delivered every information he had in the most impassive tone but Shisui noticed all the desperation he had endured until then.

Shisui had occasionally spied on Danzo using birds. Not crows, that would have put Itachi in an even more difficult situation, but sparrows, blackbirds, doves. He didn't know the details but he knew about the mistreatmens, the horrible mission he had been given, the blindness that plagued the clan, the isolation he was self-inflicting.

He didn't know that he looked so gaunt and pale, much older than his age. He didn't know about the flicker of childlike fear in his eyes, that only he could recognize as such.

Itachi was by no means weak; he was a children of the war, he had seen countless horrors, he had been raised to obey his father and superiors, to fight and kill enemies. Now he was being forced to destroy his whole clan, including women, elderly, children, his parents.

All for his beloved brother.

_It was Danzo's fault._

_Shisui regretted not having killed him before, despite knowing that if such thing had occurred the Uchiha clan would have been suspected as culprit, while Danzo would have become a martyr._

_Now there were plenty of reasons to kill him._

_He would make him pay, the young man swore as he took in every detail of Itachi's worn out appearance._

When the Hyuuga elders sat for tea, keeping the boys _almost_ out of visual range, giving them some space, Shisui hugged him close.

He inhaled the scent of Itachi's hair – _how badly he had missed it_ – whispering many things at once, reassuring him that things would be fine, that he wouldn't have to kill anyone, that he would have never wanted to leave him alone to deal with all this, asking forgiveness for not having been able to find another way.

_Yet knowing that it didn't matter how long Itachi had suffered: he would suffer much more to protect Sasuke._

_That it didn't matter how lost he had felt: he would lose himself, his identity, his reputation, his very soul, to protect Sasuke._

"There is nothing to forgive, Shisui," Itachi replied, his voice slightly trembling, "I am glad that you're alive".

* * *

"Here. Didn't I say I'd give you melonpan? You have to eat more, Uchiha boy, and confide in your new allies."

The old lady – an elder's wife, an elder herself – said, stuffing the breads in his pockets.

Leaving the Hyuuga district, Itachi felt relieved for the first time in months.

_For the first time since Shisui threw himself off a cliff. For the first time since he received the terrible order._

He saw the glorious colors of the sunset sky. He felt the chilly wind on his skin. He heard the different voices of the people who greeted him in the compound. He talked to his mother, replying to her casual questions and asking casual questions in return.

His mother, his father, his clan. They weren't ghosts anymore.

Shisui wasn't a ghost either.

He was alive and Itachi was no longer alone.

He wouldn't have to kill his people to keep Sasuke safe.

Sasuke wouldn't have to grow up in loneliness, believing that his older brother destroyed their entire clan to test his limits.

He would get to see his little brother grow up. He would get to live beside him.

.

Three days before the massacre the monitors that captured everything happening in the Uchiha district weren't able to detect the shortest oscillation flashing towards the secret room in the Temple, the only place without hidden cameras.

There, to the stupor of the crowd gathered for the meeting, the Body Flicker appeared in front of them. Itachi's kage bunshin – the original being outside, following Danzo's order to spy on his own people, pretending he didn't know that his squad was spying on him – confirmed his words and revealed the incoming danger.

The first reaction was rage. Let them come, they screamed; they would fight back.

Itachi foresaw every exclamation, every proposal, every threat. When the initial commotion faded he spoke again, his strategical mind covering every single aspect of the matter.

His plan wasn't just a counter attack. It was a long term vision.

He had another trump card beside the alliance with the Hyuuga.

Outside Konoha he had noticed and approached a mysterious masked man who called himself Madara Uchiha. Despite knowing such thing wasn't possible Itachi played along, gathering information under the pretext of giving him the revenge he wanted against both the clan and the village.

He understood that Kyuubi's attack, which caused the death of the Fourth Hokage among many others and discrimination against them, was his doing.

The peculiar shape of his mask, with only one hole for his left eye, made him suppose that he didn't use the other. In their recent history there had been someone who matched these characteristics.

Uchiha Obito had been declared dead during the last war, his right eye donated to Hatake Kakashi as his last wish.

His survival was almost impossible but certainly not as much as that of the founder of Konoha.

Everyone in the temple stood silently, impressed by the undead Shisui but mostly by Itachi.

The young boy was truly a genius.

He shied away when unanimously praised, diverting them to his cousin while he deactivated the clone and fully returned to his Anbu squad, outside the Temple, spying on his people while being spied on.

* * *

The night of the massacre Itachi wore his armor and waited for his partner in crime.

The one who called himself Uchiha Madara didn't expect to have him as an opponent. Nor he expected Shisui to be alive.

Obito was strong but the two prodigies were stronger; after a fierce, tiring fight, they finally sealed him unconscious.

When Danzo's Anbu army barged into the compound _– Itachi should have finished and reported already. If he hadn't the bastard needed punishment, he thought –_ the old man hoped to find a carnage scene or a group of traitors he was more than ready to fight.

He didn't expect to find Fugaku Uchiha, Hiashi Hyuuga and their clans in battle formation.

The old man knew that even if he called reinforcements they wouldn't defeat them unless they had the other clans' backup. Which wouldn't happen, as the Hyuuga leader pointed out.

They weren't rebelling. Only defending their territory from an Anbu troops' invasion.

There was no battle at all; the troops stood against each other, waiting for something to happen, the clans proud and strong, the Anbu waiting for an order and hoping not to receive it.

Without a battle there was no real chaos, nevertheless Danzo managed to disappear.

Danzo Shimura was an expert at that, especially during a battle, an Uchiha elder said, followed by his peers' defying laughter.

He wasn't hiding though: he was furious. Itachi had betrayed him. He would not tolerate such treason.

He would be punished in the most painful way.

He located the shelters, where Mikoto, as the clan leader's wife, was keeping watch, her sword firmly held, her sharingan blazing in the night.

Danzo used an air bullet to destroy part of the roof and taking advantage of the subsequent mess he kidnapped Sasuke.

_The best way to punish Itachi was torturing and killing the child in front of him._

Itachi left Shisui to finish the seals on Obito when he heard the noise from the safe spot.

There he saw Danzo, perched on a broken column, tightly gripping Sasuke.

It was hard to fight when his brother was being used as a shield.

It was hard to keep a cool head, even for someone trained to endure pain and torture, when the one he most loved was in the clutches of a monster.

Itachi was proud of the child who kicked and screamed at the man, not showing fear at all.

He would become a fine shinobi.

_Sasuke wanted to be like his brother; his brother was brave and fearless, so Sasuke had to be like him._

_He couldn't be afraid of the old man with disgusting breath and bony claw-like hands._

_Even if he was keeping him hanging in the air and he wasn't able to land using chakra yet._

_Even if his nails were digging into his frail wrists and he was threatening to blow an air bullet for each one of his limbs._

" _They will explode and all that will be left of you will be a bleeding trunk that I'll throw at the feet of your traitor brother!"_

_Sasuke didn't want to lose his arms and legs, he didn't want to be thrown at Itachi's feet. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to lose his brother forever, he thought, refusing to give in to fear._

_He had to be strong, like his brother, who wouldn't let that scary monster harm him._

_So he tried to use katon; he had trained hard to master it. Even his father had acknowledged him. Yet all he could spit out were tiny harmless flames._

_He didn't know but it was enough to make Danzo change strategy, as air magnified fire._

_He didn't know but his brother was proud of him._

"Don't listen to him, Sasuke!"

Itachi's voice resonated in the dark.

"It will be over soon, I promise," he continued, ignoring the enemy's provocations, "think about your _favourite_ crow!"

Sasuke had tried to play with one of his crows once, but the animal had bitten him.

He understood the suggestion: he bit Danzo's hand so hard that he drew blood. The grip on him loosened for a moment; Itachi intended to catch him but the war-hawk grabbed Sasuke before he could move, and threw him on the ground.

The child landed on one side, wincing in pain at every movement as he tried to lift himself up.

Probably his leg was broken.

_He had to be strong like his big brother, who would not cry even if he couldn't move his leg and every part of his body hurt._

Itachi exhaled a big katon, taking advantage of the temporary barrier to rush at Sasuke's side.

"It's alright, Sasuke...I won't let anyone hurt you" he said, trying to sound as reassuring as he could.

_He meant it. He wouldn't let that man touch his brother again._

He carefully laid a hand on the broken leg, but he realized that something was wrong.

He saw the seal expanding from the child's leg to his hand and arm; he felt his chakra depleting.

He hated himself for letting a paralyzing jutsu and a chakra draining seal surprise him.

"I gave you a choice. Your brother or your clan."

Danzo was looming over them.

"I shouldn't have trusted you, you're an Uchiha after all. You're all traitors."

"You chose your brother but you lied, betraying him as well...it's only fitting that he's helping me punish you now."

_What was this monster saying? Sasuke would never punish Itachi! He protested but his voice came out as a whisper instead of a scream._

Danzo unsheated his sword and Itachi could only turn his head towards him then towards his now scared little brother and curse himself, not being able to break free from that seal.

"I don't want you to move now. You see, I'm not going to hit _your_ vital points... I want you to see me killing your brother through you. Because this is your fault, Uchiha traitor!"

"Niisan, no!"

The events that followed dilated mere instants into an eternity, sharingan engraving each of them into Itachi's brain forever: Sasuke's eyes widening in fear, their onyx-black becoming blood-red, one, then two tomoe spinning around in a mismatched, uncoordinated orbit, his tears and his terrified scream.

_Sasuke, who wouldn't cry in pain or fear for himself, was so afraid to lose his beloved brother that he activated sharingan for him._

Then, blood spurting out of Danzo's mouth, its thick warm drops on the prodigy's face.

And Shisui, behind him.

"You look like shit, Danzo-sama. Did you just see a ghost?" he sneered.

Before the man reacted Shisui -the Body Flicker, the fastest shinobi since the Fourth Hokage- stabbed him again with his short sword. And again. And again. From every side, feral and deadly like a beast playing with his prey.

Just like Danzo himself intended, Shisui never hit vital spots.

Just like Danzo himself intended, Shisui wanted him to suffer as much as possible, thus he slashed and stabbed his whole body, each time naming a different clansmen or a family, a shop or group of people his loathsome plan would have erased.

Many of those people were getting out of the damaged shelter. Some had minor injuries, such as Mikoto.

They all stood in silence while the one they had believed dead was fighting a monster.

When Shisui named Sasuke he impaled the man's abdomen, as in the ritual suicide he would have never committed for plotting against them.

The paralyzing jutsu deactivated and the chakra draining seal vanished. Itachi pulled Sasuke closer, his sharingan spinning uncontrollably until he was held tight.

_Sasuke's newly activated eyes overwhelmed his senses with too many details, just like the fear of losing Itachi overwhelmed his mind, so much that he only realized that the danger was over when his brother wrapped him in his arms, allowing him to let go of his consciousness._

Shisui uttered Itachi's name slowly, calmly, like a chant, like a prayer, before he cut off Danzo's head.

Drenched in blood, wearing a lopsided smile, holding the head like a trophy, he flickered towards the main street, where the Anbu troops were still facing the allied clans. There he threw it at their feet, not without reminding them who their leader was and what order he had given to one of their comrades.

It was Itachi who calmed him down: those shinobi were silently retreating, they had no intention of attacking them, while their clansmen wanted to thank them. He needed to replace the blood and Danzo's head and the dark pit of helplessness and anger he wallowed in for months, with the smiles of the ones they saved and hope, because they all had a future.

_Even if Itachi himself couldn't shake off the anguish for Sasuke's eyes, evolved in fear of losing him._

_Many years ago, when he had lost his first comrade during a mission, he had held his little brother as tight as he just did, fearing the day when even the pure child smiling like nothing bad existed in the world, would witness a comrade's death. The mere thought of Sasuke suffering had activated his own sharingan._

_Now it was that day he had feared back then._

* * *

Euphoria took a destructive form when many started hunting for hidden cameras, symbol of their lack of freedom, turning a pile of them into a bonfire, the unnatural smoke of their material filling their nostrils.

No one complained about it: that was the smell of freedom.

Hiruzen's surprise was sincere when Fugaku reported the events.

He knew what Danzo wanted to do but he didn't know that it was going to happen that night, by Itachi's hand.

The only thing he knew was that he had failed. He deserved the same punishment as Danzo.

A worse one, since his job was to avoid such things to happen.

The Uchiha leader, backed up by the Hyuuga leader, didn't accept a suicide or an execution. Their clans, for if the Uchiha fell the Hyuuga would come next- were not as barbaric as Konoha thought.

His clan was the keeper of justice, and justice they wanted, not revenge.

_Itachi had instructed them, appealing to their pride, to demonstrate that they were better that their opponents. No matter how strong their anger was they couldn' act like them or a new Danzo would rise, sooner than they expected._

They had wanted a revolution, just like Koharu and Homura had supported the massacre. They would not proceed against them; instead they would be allowed into the Elders Council, so that there wouldn't be any more secret orders. Every clan would have their own representative, not just the Uchiha.

Hiruzen was not suited for ruling anymore, but there had been no massacre so his retirement was enough.

Tsunade was chosen as his replacement. His last act was deciding what to do with Obito Uchiha, the rogue behind Kyuubi's attack.

The Third Hokage decided to keep him sealed, unconscious as he was, in a maximum security cell.

_No Uchiha would be killed by Konoha: someone, someday, could use Izanami on him, redeeming him maybe._

The offer to move from the Uchiha District to wherever they preferred was declined. They liked living by the Naka river, just as they took pride in being the Police Force.

They only wanted the freedom and equality they finally obtained.

If Fugaku and Hiashi were the face and hand of the revolution, Shisui and Itachi were its heart and mind, one winning another clan's trust, overcoming their hostility and turning them into allies, the other devising the most clever strategy, cunningly using every obstacle as an advantage.

Such genius would be a perfect Hokage, everyone in the clan and outside started thinking.

For him things weren't so simple.

There was no more discrimination against the Uchiha but there were still clan alliances, through simple politics, favors or arranged marriages, remnants of the old age where people's lives had no value.

_When a clan could be erased in one night._

The real change, the real unity, would be dropping clan mentality altogether.

His clansmen considered Shisui a hero but his reputation was shaky outside the compound. No one openly criticized him, no one doubted his strength and courage, yet for many the way he had tortured and killed Danzo, disrespecting his corpse, had been unnecessarily cruel, completely different from the impartial justice Fugaku had carried out. For those detractors, faking his own death and staying hidden for months, qualified him as a loose cannon.

Shisui didn't care.

He had done what had to be done to stop the enemy.

He had no family since he was fourteen; no one would have really missed him.

No one had really mourned him but one. The only one who had the right to judge him.

He only cared about Itachi, to whom his disappearance had given a new power but also a new burden of pain, loneliness and humiliation.

Everything he had done to Danzo was to avenge him.

_And quell the guilt for having abandoned him._

Itachi didn't judge him. How could he? Everything Shisui had done had been to stop the coup and the massacre.

He had kept Sasuke safe.

He had saved him again from Danzo.

_He had saved him too, but nothing was more important than Sasuke._

That night, after everything was over, after Obito had been brought to justice, they had finally spent time alone.

The Naka river was cold but they didn't feel it.

They needed to wash Danzo's blood away; bringing it to their houses seemed a sacrilege.

"You saved them all, Itachi." Shisui said, his naked, taut body looking paler under the moonlight.

"We did," Itachi replied firmly, as if his father or some Hyuuga were still watching them and he had to sound convincing and impassive, like the strong shinobi he was supposed to be.

When, finally, the simple realization that there was no one there beside his cousin whom he trusted the most hit him , he lowered his voice to a whisper:

"You did. Without you I was lost. I was about to..."

He couldn't go on, the shame was too strong.

_Itachi had tried to warn his father vague because that was all he could say when Anbu cameras were monitoring them. The temple was the only safe place but there were always groups meeting, plotting, spreading more hate and Fugaku was swimming in it, so he had given up, to only focus on saving Sasuke._

He didn't expect Shisui to hug him from behind.

He shivered but it wasn't for the chilly wind freezing the droplets of water on his body.

He hadn't let anyone touch him after his death. Not even Sasuke.

_He had no time for himself if he wanted to protect the village and the Uchiha name._

_He didn't deserve his brother's comfort if he was going to destroy his life._

That night they made love for the first time.

Before the elder had to fake his death, he had told Itachi that he would be slow and considerate, his first time.

Itachi had scoffed, not wanting to be treated like a weak child. Then Shisui had explained him that sex wasn't a challenge or a test. That he, who had been through so much since his childhood, deserved the sweetest first time ever experienced.

He didn't keep his promise. He was too inebriated by having the one he had missed so much under him.

Itachi didn't remind him. Even if in the past months his situation hadn't allowed him to miss such things as physical intimacy, it was liberating to let go of his self control and only focus on his cousin's hands all over him, on his length inside him.

What they were doing, what they had, was relief. It was affection. It was love, maybe.

What they had continued for a long time.

Years of their private lives intertwined with their public duty.

Shisui returned to lead a special jounin team, Itachi continued as an Anbu Captain, reporting to the Hokage in person, as there wasn't anyone lurking in the shadows anyore.

Only Tenzo, coordinating all Anbu teams.

Both cousins were involved in their clan's life; they couldn't avoid it even if they wanted, their judgment, being often required.

_But not followed. Not if it tried to steer from the old ways._

Itachi understood that his plan to avoid the massacre and obtain equality had been accepted because it worked at a higher level, not touching people's lives and values.

He already knew that it was impossible to change the older generations' mindset unless he became a part of them and changed them from the inside.

Soon he was considered his father's counselor. An unofficial role that could become definitive, since Tsunade required his services more than once.

After that they all knew that he would become the next Hokage. The first of their clan.

Shisui agreed with him. He was there for him, as the one whose judgment he trusted the most.

_Maybe as the only one he really trusted. Old habits were hard to die for him as well._

He was proud of his cousin, of his lover, of the child of war who wasn't able to smile when he first met him. He was making their dreams for the future come true. Yet, sometimes he just wanted his lover for himself, instead of sharing him with his vision.

Or with Sasuke.

The boy was growing up in a peaceful world. That fateful night was his only traumatic memory, unlike them, children of the war.

Itachi was supposed to stop worrying about him be but he couldn't, and Shisui knew.

He was the only one who could read Itachi. He was able to pinpoint exactly what Itachi felt even before he realized he was harboring such feelings.

So, when his cousin kept saying that he wouldn't let his brother fall into the clutches of the current system, because he made the mistake of letting Danzo take him already, Shisui knew that it wasn't just extreme protectiveness for his little brother, just like it wasn't guilt or fear or even his innate need for control.

Itachi's love for Sasuke was more than brotherly.

It wasn't lewd, only stronger and more complex of what siblings usually feel.

It was the same thing the boy had started feeling as well.

As if a seal had been put on their hearts, they both unclenched the same feelings at the same time.

_Only when Sasuke grew up Itachi realized that there was another kind of love: one that took his breath away as he looked at his brother._

_One that tore his chest apart, that made his heart jump, trying to burst out and reach the boy._

_One that hurt because Sasuke was so close yet so unreachable._

_One that made him be ashamed of himself because it wasn't supposed to exist and he could only suffocate it and double his efforts to be a good brother and protect him from the world and himself alike._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm proud of this chapter. I like the scenario that came to my mind in all its details. A lot. 
> 
> In canon Shisui's death was a huge blow for Itachi, who started feeling completely lost, caught between village and the clan, unable to make them change their plans. He started thinking that only he could fix those mistakes, that no one else could help him or even know anything. SHisui was the only one who could understand him and back him up, Sasuke was too young and pure.
> 
> Needless to say, Itachi thinking about his clan and family as ghosts is not literal, so don't take it that way. 
> 
> Shisui is usually described as the perfect selfless shinobi but he did leave Itachi alone, in a stretched way, even though he didn't kill anyone else, his disappearance was similar to Itachi abandoning Sasuke. In my story I use this parallel a lot. Shisui doesn't die but he hides and works for peace, while Itachi is still lost and in pain. It's Shisui's way to make him stronger with the Mangekyo, because just like Itachi, Shisui is a child of war and he is willing to resort to extreme measures, even hurting the one he loves, to achieve peace and protect the very one he loves. My Shisui doesn't die, so he evolves, just like every character who survives the martyr phase does. Evolution is not always accepted by everyone, so I guess not everyone will like my characterization. This has never supposed to be a sweet Shiita fanfic though.
> 
> There is (almost) nothing better than coming up with the "perfect" scenario for the crack pairing I have in mind, and this is what I feel about this.
> 
> So, my Shisui has a Kakashi-like scar under his eye, but his eye is ok. He is brave, reckless even, and has a dark, violent side. He is wise but when the one he loves, when the ones he cares about are hurt he unleashes that side. That side is what interests me. It will match Sasuke in an interesting way...
> 
> I loved writing the Danzo scene. I wrote a cruel DanzoXShisuixItachi fic in the past, this is a sort of revenge...kind of. Also, I think that I did fine with the dynamics between Sasuke, Itachi and Shisui. 
> 
> After the avoided massacre the political and social situation in Konoha changes, into what I described in the previous chapters. So, now you have the whole picture. Which means the proper ShisuixSasuke parts can start.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rare pairings are a bet. There's the chance to make something original and cool out of it, and the risk of making a confusing OOC mess.
> 
> Some rare pairings are quite popular, ShisuixSasuke is not one of them, despite not being the most absurd. Sure, it can only work in a non-massacre AU and even there, it can only work under certain circumstances. Characters are influenced by the environment, after all, just like their choices and actions. Which is the reason why it took 6 chapters to get to to the main pairing.
> 
> In short: this is a ShisuixSasuke fanfiction. there is also Shiita and Itasasu and both pairings are relevant. But there are no love triangles or threesomes. Shiita is a thing of the past and Itasasu is...complicated. It's everywhere even though it shouldn't, so to speak.
> 
> In the Itachi novel it is said that he wanted to become Hokage. To me it sounded demeaning for a wonderful character such as him, who doesn't need power or aknowledgment to accomplish great things. He'd be great as counsellor for the Hokage, like Shikamaru's father, a strategist, a diplomat. But this doesn't mean he wouldn't be the best Hokage ever. He is an awesome leader, someone who is able to inspire others with both his words and his actions. Nevertheless in this story Itachi is set to become clan leader and Hokage because his desire to change the world (and make it a safe place for Sasuke) is so strong that he is fine with taking the power in his hands. (continues on endnotes)

 

> _"You will be all the things in the world you've never been_
> 
> _See all the things in the world you've never seen_
> 
> _Dream all the things in the world you've never dreamed... "_
> 
> _But I think I get a bit confused..._
> 
> _Am I seducing or being seduced?_
> 
> _Oh I know that tomorrow I'll feel bad_
> 
> _But I really couldn't care about that (The Cure, The 13th)_

 

Not wearing a mask special jounin are more exposed than Anbu. Their missions are usually longer than those assigned to jounin, yet it's a widely known fact amongst Konoha ranks, that even if given a substantial raise or a promotion, not a single one of them would change position. They are a bridge between jounin and Anbu: they are supposed to act like regular shinobi but if the situation requires it, they are authorized to use Black Ops procedures.

They have to improvise and that requires a certain freedom of interpretation of both rules and ethics; because of this it's no wonder that their best asset is Shisui, as expected from someone who faked his own death and managed to bring a whole rival clan on his side.

He was considered the best even before that, although the only independence he was granted back then was in leading military actions, and the faculty to report to the Third Hokage directly.

Once the situation between the clan and the village was brilliantly solved, Konoha's economy experienced a boost: clients chose them over other countries because of their strength but also their stability.

Shisui was appointed leader of an all-Uchiha special jounin team. It was decided that each clan formed theirs. It was Fugaku's idea, enthusiastically approved by the other Council members, who defined it a rightful way to promote their peculiarities.

Itachi wasn't enthusiastic about it; he would have preferred mixed teams working together for Konoha.

He always considered clan mentality a hindrance that enclosed people between borders while they needed a higher perspective, including not just the clan but the whole village.

_Then their neighboring countries, then humanity as a whole._

His dream was the same as Hashirama and Madara: achieving peace through village stability and a network of diplomatic relationships, fostering mutual respect and understanding of differences between clans, positions, cultures.

Itachi was well aware of how difficult achieving his dream was.

Even if he didn't care about power he accepted his father's will, becoming clan leader and Hokage one day, because he would be able to change the world.

For now he _-and Shisui, and everyone who followed him-_ succeeded in changing Konoha's politics, forming alliances between clans.

_They hadn't succeeded in changing society yet, for clans used members as pawns and Itachi couldn't let them do that to Sasuke._

Unlike Konoha, whose awareness and change was a result of the equally failed coup and massacre, outside the Fire Country the other shinobi villages were still plagued by internal conflicts and ruled by shady leaders like Danzo.

Itachi knew that those countries would only follow their personal interest, so he would have to use the right arguments when the time would come.

If the time would come. Maybe he would have to wait for the right rulers to rise.

_History's pace is slower than people's._

_Itachi never forgot it, yet he would have accepted it as the natural course of events, if only Sasuke's future wasn't at stake._

In the meantime he worked to make Konoha an example for every other village.

He was promoted to head of all Anbu squads, main intermediary between them and the Hokage. Under his guidance assassination missions dropped, replaced by alternative solutions that even Shikaku Nara commended as innovative.

The Hokage's counsellor valued his judgment and praised his uncanny ability of understanding what needed their focus even if it seemed unimportant and what, instead, wasn't relevant in the long period.

_Like the special jounin teams issue: although they were formed with an opportunist purpose their members worked well together and were completely loyal to one another._

_In this world nothing is as it seems anyway. Like him, who was called a genius and praised as a hero for saving the clan, yet to save Sasuke would have carried on the massacre, if Shisui hadn't been there._

Just like his cousin, Shisui knows that Fugaku's was just a smooth diplomatic move to keep a strong yet politically controversial member as far as possible from Konoha's council, and that after him each clan did the same with their embarrassing relatives.

Not that he cared: he did what he had to do to save the one he loved and his family, to prevent his clan from a horrible end and to avoid a war against the village.

_He did what he had to do to make sure Danzo had what he deserved._

Besides, the clan was sincerely grateful and so were Itachi and Fugaku, even though the latter disapproved the way he had tortured and maimed Danzo.

_Shisui knew how much Itachi hated unnecessary violence yet he never said a word about it._

_Maybe because his cousin was paralysed by Danzo's jutsu and he couldn't see -he could only hear- him cutting and hitting the man. Only when the sword was extracted from the old man's midsection, before his head was cut off, he was finally free to move._

_Maybe because Danzo would have pierced Itachi's chest in a non vital point only to hit Sasuke, fatally, so that he would watch his beloved brother die._

_Itachi didn't look disgusted by Shisui. He didn't look angry either._

_He looked worried, because Sasuke had fainted._

_He looked surprised, because for the first time he had been saved instead of saving._

Fugaku said that in order to be respected the Uchiha had to be an example of fairness and stability; by committing such gesture Shisui looked unstable and revengeful, a textbook example of what the enemies of their clan defined Curse Of Hatred.

_As if they wouldn't go berserk if the one they loved one was about to be stabbed and forced to watch his brother die by the same sword._

_As if they wouldn't swear revenge on_ _the one who turned the life of their loved one into hell._

* * *

The Uchiha Special Jounin team is hired for a particularly long mission just outside the Capital of the Land of Fire, to protect the Daimyo's cadet branch after they received several death threats.

They had their own loyal guards, but samurai's code of honor is complicated and sometimes it's useful to employ someone less morally bound, as a further measure of security.

In addition to patrolling the area, visibly or in hiding, a few guards are asked to take part in social events, to keep a closer eye on guests; it's not a surprise that the squad finds this sort of assignment, where they are required to blend in, eating, drinking and engaging in conversation, particularly pleasant.

There are many young women in the household. Shisui's comrades are naturally attracted by pretty maids and predictably charmed by young ladies and their colorful makeup, elaborated hairdos and flowy kimonos. Some are lucky enough to be granted attentions by the object of their desire, those who don't end up making snarky criticism against them. Some daydream about marrying one and becoming a nobleman, others scold their unprofessional and unrealistic attitude.

Aristocratic women would never marry someone belonging to a lower social class, such as a samurai or a shinobi. Even an Uchiha.

For them it's a lesson in humility to realize that in the high classes of the real civilian world -not the one that gravitates around their village- their elite warrior clan, their greatly envied powers, their composed demeanor that exudes nobility, is considered as highly qualified servants.

For others such it's frustrating to think that while they have been fighting since they were children, these highborn men and women, always looking for new pastimes to keep themselves busy, were playing in safety. Nevertheless they wouldn't change their lives with those adults' prolonged childish games.

It's not the first time that Shisui works for civilian nobility. To him their behavior, and more than that his subordinates' reactions, who forgot that they are paid to pretend to blend in, not to do it for real, are another proof of people's narrow mental boundaries.

_He thinks about Itachi, who dreams of breaking such boundaries, one at a time. He used to share the same dream, when they spent hours discussing by the river, and when they were tired of talking they used to kiss and when they were tired of kissing they used to make love under the stars, but that was the past. Now the river seems less blue, the stars less close and that dream less possible._

_Itachi is working hard it for the village but most of it all for Sasuke._

_Shisui too used to worked hard for the village, but most of it all for Itachi._

_Then, he grew more and more disillusioned as his own dream crumbled. Not that he had lost his faith in Itachi, or his wish for world peace; he just thought that it was impossible to achieve everything during one single lifetime._

_He had always been more realistic than his cousin. And, as much as Itachi was amazingly good at reading people, he was even better than him, thus he knew that nothing would change his mind, and that the only thing he needed from him was his support._

_Like taking Sasuke under his wing._

* * *

The special jounin team attended several parties since their mission started, but none is as ostentatious as the one in occasion of the Daimyo's visit. The main attraction is a performance held by the most popular musicians of the country.

The aristocrats gather around the small stage while shinobi and samurai alike keep guard, disguised as guests. They aren't the only ones not listening to the music. Many are chatting or blatantly flirting, even disappearing with their conquest.

Those hired to pay attention can't help but comment what they see. The shy girl who often smiles at Naoru is not shy at all, since she just left with a young man with a thin moustache and a small book whose verses he used to charm her, just like he charmed another girl with the same techniques during the previous event.

It's Naoru himself who declares that shinobi women, who combine beauty and strength, loyalty and dedication, are better. Always the clown, Asao adds that their simple clothes are easier to take off. They can take real men; these ones are too delicate, Hiro remarks. A plethora of positive comments ensues.

Koji reminds them that Uchiha women are the best amongst them all and they all list the most representative ones. They mention Izumi: Itachi is lucky, he could have gotten engaged to scary Ayumi, daughter of an influential Uchiha elder who'll eventually require a relevant husband for her, maybe Shisui, Asao suggests, joking on their leader's bad luck.

Luckily Sasuke is too young for her, or she'd eat him alive and spit him out, tall and burly and hysterical as she is, Hiro says. If the rumors are true, after the Hyuuga will unite the two branches by marrying the heiress with her cousin, he will marry the younger sister.

Sasuke feels almost sick at the idea of marrying someone he doesn't even know.

Or just marrying. It makes him think about Itachi and he hates thinking about him now.

_Itachi never cared about him so why should he be worried about him marrying someone he doesn't love? It's not that Itachi loved him. He is not Shisui._

He takes a walk in the most external part of the garden to breathe some fresh air.

Nature always calmed him when he was nervous, although here, where it's submitted and arranged according to human aesthetic, it almost doesn't feel like nature at all.

He heads for the aviary to check the falcons they use to communicate with Konoha.

Noises make them nervous and as the youngest and less qualified member of the team he is in charge of them.

No one likes to clean their mess, especially not in this refined place. How stupid, he thinks.

Sasuke is indifferent to luxury and he doesn't care about being considered inferior. He doesn't understand why his comrades are so worked up; these nobles are just their current employers. Nothing they could do or say would change his pride in being an Uchiha.

_He used to dream of working beside his brother once. Then said brother pushed him away because he wasn't enough. That hurt, not the opinions of lazy strangers'._

"Don't worry too much about what they say".

Damn Body Flicker. When did he even leave the group? Sasuke didn't sense his presence.

_He never does. He is strong indeed, or Itachi wouldn't have chosen him._

"Times are changing. I'm sure that by the time your brother will lead the clan he'll end these stupid traditions."

Shisui appears from behind a rounded rock, holding a jug on one hand and a thin pipe on another.

"I hope so. I don't want to marry scary Ayumi..."

During these events guards are required to dress accordingly and they are given a vast collection of rich clothes to choose from. Shisui picked a dark green silk kimono with golden cranes embroidered in it. Sasuke chose a dark blue one with fish motif on its lower hem.

_This is the first time Sasuke is assigned to attending a party, since the whole team loved these events while he didn't show any interest so he was automatically assigned to keep guard hidden in the trees._

_He complained about wearing a kimono, because a long robe is not practical for a shinobi, just like an obi that cinches them when they should be able to move easily._

_Shisui echoed his complaint, adding that not wearing trousers is even worse, yet it was obvious that looking like guests was a smarter move than wearing shinobi clothes or even hakama, that would define them as workers._

_Shinobi have to endure after all. Even if it's just thick clothes they are not used to._

_No one wears kimonos in ninja villages. Not even at their wedding._

_They need to be practical and quick with no exceptions, because even when there aren't surprise attacks for years they never know if there is going to be one._

_Death could catch them anytime._

_Yukata is a more practical choice for celebrations and festivals._

_Itachi said that to him they represented peaceful moments._

"Luckily my expertise is needed outside Konoha", Shisui smirks, the pipe between his teeth.

Maybe it's his familiar way of talking about his brother's future plans, that Sasuke ignores because Itachi never bothered telling him anything _,_ maybe it's the further realisation that Itachi never cared about him while he cared about the man in front of him, that the words come out of the boy's mouth.

"I saw you kissing him."

"Huh?"

"I saw you kissing _my brother_."

He echoes. Shisui almost chokes on the smoke at the other's reiteration of the previous statement, stressing their fraternal bond as an innate right.

_As a threat._

"Eight years ago, by the Naka river."

Probably Sasuke didn't bring this up earlier because he was too young to understand what he saw back then, unlike now.

Shisui wonders if he's going to tell Fugaku but he dismisses the thought. He would have done it already if he really wanted to, and even in that case his father would have had nothing to object; the unwritten shinobi law is that what happened between comrades stays between comrades. Besides the brat would never discredit his brother.

_Even though his look gets dark every time Itachi's name is mentioned._

"So?"

His tone is casual. His mentor for the time being, Shisui certainly doesn't see his younger cousin as a threat, especially after weeks in a Hyuuga cell, with a badly injured eye that was roughly treated only in the rare event that they believed his answers.

_When they didn't they would beat him over and over, their gentle fist technique being convenient for them to avoid splitting their knuckles over him._

"How was it?"

The older Uchiha is used to reading people like open books. Unlike his brother, Sasuke is not even challenging, yet this time his words are completely unexpected.

"Why don't you ask him?"

Shisui doesn't show that he is intrigued. Instead, he blows a ring of smoke.

_His father used to blow smoke rings when he was a child. He fell asleep watching them._

"I'm asking you."

Sasuke's look is serious. Shisui passes the jug.

If the boy intends to pester him the least he could do is keep him company. He hates drinking alone and Sasuke needs to loosen up. His kimono already is; it's so loose on the chest and its obi is so low on the waist and almost undone that the boy looks like he's wearing night clothes.

His clothes are usually neat and orderly, as his father would never allow anything less than perfect, but now he is away from home and there is no Fugaku to control him.

_And no Itachi to help him: Shisui remembers one time when he came to pick his cousin up and found him tieing the boy's obi. He joked out loud that Itachi would be a wonderful father and the little boy replied that Itachi was a brother, not a father._

_The brat would be disappointed as soon as Itachi would do his duty with his future wife, Shisui thought bitterly back then, knowing that he would be disappointed too._

_He always knew that one day Itachi would have to marry but he hoped that their love would not end. Instead it did end, not because of society's rules that almost no one cared about, because the only thing that mattered was to not get caught, but because of Sasuke._

Because some of the young guests aim to stand out with their extravagant style, Sasuke doesn't seem out of place, thus Shisui, who more often than not reprimands him during both training and work _-it's for his own good, the brat must learn, he tells himself-_ doesn't have anything to say.

_Itachi too is uncharacteristically casual with this particular garment._

_When the elder once joked about it, his cousin chuckled, as if his little secret had been discovered. He explained that the first time he and his Anbu team went to an onsen to celebrate a successful mission he was feeling uncomfortable, being younger than everyone else, until his mind formed an image of his father, walking around their garden, resting his arm on the loosened front of his haori rather than in the sleeve._

_Those were the only moments the man didn't look worried; somehow, imitating his gesture relaxed him as well._

_Shisui is not sure if Sasuke mimicked his father's mannerism. Or his brother's._

_He , on the contrary, took advantage of every occasion to see a less tense Itachi wearing a yukata, and before he realized it he had the same habit, so much that during a clan event Fugaku looked at him with evident disapproval, either thinking that he was mirroring him for fun or that he was rude and slovenly. Which, in hindsight, could have influenced his choice of keeping him away from Konoha politics and assign him in an Uchiha-only special jounin team._

"What did you do to him?"

Sasuke asks, after gulping the sake down.

_The boy is not a drinker like their comrades, but a little alcohol won't hurt him, especially if he reveals himself to be a happy drunk, even though Shisui is quite sure that he's facing an aggressive drunk._

_Looking at him Shisui remembers the first time he made Itachi drink._

_He was pretty, with his flushed red cheeks and his slurred speech. When he lay on the ground Shisui fought to keep control of his senses._

_Until he lost._

"Nothing he didn't want, brat" Shisui spouts, irritated at the intrusive question.

_He can -almost- tolerate the thought that Itachi hadn't loved him enough._

_He can't accept the accusation of having taken advantage of his most precious person, and the implication that Itachi didn't want the things he did, that they both did, for years._

"Did he like it?"

* * *

Knowing Sasuke's feelings for Itachi, Shisui assumed that the boy's questioning would resemble to a jealous wife's, but it's nothing like that.

Sasuke's jealousy is not the dark web of fear, greediness and desire that haunts adults, making them pry, painstakingly, into each detail of the other's life.

It's more childlike, more straightforward yet at the same time more abstract.

It's pure, like his love.

_What Sasuke feels towards Itachi is the same for body, mind and soul. He doesn't separate attraction, admiration and love. To him Itachi is perfect and he is bewitched by that perfection like a moth to a flame. He wants to get closer, to feel the kiss of its blaze, even if it will destroy him._

_Indeed Itachi destroyed him, hurting his body, mind and soul, and Sasuke now hates him, or so he tells himself, trying to forget his brother's body leaning on him, and his breath, warm like fire, tingling in his ear._

Sasuke's jealousy isn't the possessive, shortsighted one that children have for their favourite toys either. It can't be: Itachi has never been his.

_He ignores that Itachi has always been his, that he is his and will always be so, that his brother's whole life is devoted on creating a better world so that he will be free and happy._

He has always lived off Itachi's crumbs of attention.

His brother was often away on mission; when he was home he was busy with clan meetings and his training with Shisui.

Sasuke assumed that he was too young, uninteresting and weak to deserve more time with him.

_He couldn't imagine that Itachi would have loved to spend more time with him but he couldn't risk to have his little brother see him when he was worried._

_He was the only one who noticed the boy's perceptive nature, that would have noticed his big brother's distress if he loosened his self restraint even a little._

_Not just that: Itachi loved and respected their father but he needed to get away from the pressure he put on him. He needed to find a way to change the man's plans or the clan would implode and the village would be next and Sasuke would not be safe._

Always the hard worker, the boy trained to become worthy of his brother's interest, so that he, too, would be included in the other's life.

Despite his efforts he didn't succeed, for his brother had other plans for him.

As a result he succumbed to a somber, self-hating insecurity that he hid behind an arrogant demeanor that fooled everyone but a few, like his former sensei Kakashi, Itachi, who used his brother's every weakness to steer him towards his desired path, and Shisui, who was sure to know everything about him, until now.

Sasuke's jealousy isn't the malicious type that makes rivals battle each other with a smile on their faces and deceptive subterfuges as weapons.

His eyes don't betray just restrained anger for him; they also shine with admiration and reluctant curiosity.

" _It wasn't even a real kiss" Itachi said, yet for Sasuke that kiss, that innocent peck on his brother's lips, had been everything._

_He had kept his eyes closed, after, feeling the elder's thumb tracing his face, waiting, hoping, for their mouths to touch again. How wrong he had been, thinking that his feelings were reciprocated, deluding to be worthy of his perfect brother who had chosen the other prodigy._

Sasuke doesn't just hate Shisui because Itachi has chosen him.

He admires Shisui because Itachi has chosen him.

It's only logical that his perfect brother would choose another hero to spend his time with, to have a relationship with, to have sex with.

Since he joined the Special Jounin Team he heard many stories from his comrades, all older than him. Dangerous missions, heroic sacrifices, adventurous actions and unexpected comfort between the arms of a stranger, or a comrade, when they needed to feel alive because death could catch them anytime.

Like them, Shisui and Itachi were children of the war. They became full-fledged shinobi in a short time. They learned about sex at a young age.

_They learned about death even earlier._

Unlike them Sasuke didn't live in the aftermath of a war.

He learned the human body at the Academy. He was the lookout when Naruto stole their sensei's porn book, and when his team mate gathered a few other kids to read the pages aloud. More recently, he listened to his friends recounting their first experiences.

With no impending war his peers went through dates, first kisses and inexperienced intercourse at a slower, less urgent pace.

Sasuke's pace was even slower, since he was hopelessly in love with his brother.

_Hopelessly in love with the brother who pretended to care about him but never did, and hopelessly unaware of the truth._

Sasuke sincerely admires Shisui, even if he considers him as a rival, an obstacle that he must overcome.

_And to do so he, always the hard worker, must learn from him, know everything he knows._

His perfect brother chose to bestow upon Shisui time, attention, physical proximity.

_Itachi's breath tingling in his ear; his body leaning against him._

Little he knows that he is the reason why what Shisui wanted couldn't be bestowed upon him.

_Itachi's unconditional, undying love. The kind he felt for Sasuke._

It doesn't matter if Sasuke is not perfect or a hero according to the clan's standards, because to Itachi he is perfect just by being born after the war, in his house, beside him. Shisui used to tell himself that the love for a brother was different from the _thing_ between them, until he couldn't lie to himself anymore and he couldn't lie to Itachi anymore, and he couldn't let Itachi lie to himself anymore.

Thus Shisui was angry at Sasuke, who had no idea of what happened between them, who had no idea of what he destroyed with his presence, who simply existed, and he was angry at himself because he knew how irrational he was, still he wallowed in his dark adult jealousy that made him notice every painstaking detail.

Like the fact that the boy gave Shisui the upper hand, asking if Itachi liked _it_.

"He wouldn't have come back for more if he didn't."

_Back off kid, you can't possibly understand._

That hits hard, Shisui can tell from the way Sasuke clenches his jaw.

Serves him right, he tells himself blowing one ring of smoke after another.

_Shisui loved him as a child. He used to feel bad for him whenever Itachi pushed him away and trained with him._

_He knew that his cousin needed to breathe because Fugaku's pressure was hard to endure without breaking. Hurting Sasuke was a collateral damage, as the elder started walking the path that would give the boy a happy life in a peaceful world._

_Shusui disagreed with Itachi about his brother; he often warned him that he would be his ruin. That his excessive control would make him suffer more than the truth._

_Itachi's look darkened. He knew that this was a possibility but he also knew that such negative outcome would only occur if he failed, thus he needed to work harder so that Sasuke would grow up in the best environment and that his later shinobi career would be as smooth as possible._

_He pulled strings so that his brother's genin team would be led by Kakashi of the Sharingan, his old Anbu team leader, one of the strongest shinobi in Konoha._

_He would teach Sasuke better than any other sensei. He would make him stronger._

_Most important, he would protect him, and his comrade, the late Fourth Hokage's son, more than any other._

_He helped Fugaku teaching him the history of the clan and the village, adding basic principles of politics, so that he would understand everything was said during clan meetings._

_Nevertheless he didn't specify that many issues are not solved by direct means, that there are other ways to settle them. He made sure that their parents wouldn't scheme around him, veering the conversation towards subjects that wouldn't reveal their clan as less than honorable._

_He didn't make sure that Sasuke wouldn't suffer though._

_The boy felt left out whenever he perceived that he was denied information. Not understanding why he assumed it was because he was weak, that despite all the training nothing was changing._

Sasuke takes another sip, this time slowly. He doesn't speak for a while, his gaze fixed on Shisui. Then, he breaks the silence.

"Are you two still..."

"Nope. That's why you're here."

Shisui cuts short, soon biting his lip because it's not his fault; the boy didn't ask to be born, Shisui tells himself to shut the bad feelings up.

He doesn't even _know_.

The elder would like to punch his cousin though, for putting him in such position.

He gestures Sasuke to pass the jug.

He's still a boy who doesn't like sake, Shisui thinks, wiping his mouth after having gulped down all of its content, more than he expected.

He tries with the pipe; the brat is a shinobi after all. He has to try these things.

Sasuke inhales warily and when it's time to exhale he coughs, just like most newbies.

* * *

Shisui laughs heartily at the scene, even more so because the boy refuses to give his pipe back, badmouthing him with a pouty face.

"My bad, I shouldn't have laughed at you so much...you know what, why don't you get back to the party? No more duty for tonight, just relax, take a look around. I'm sure that there are a few girls and boys who'd love your company. Something tells me that they would also love to kiss you."

Sasuke narrows his eyes.

"Why the hell are you saying this?"

_Because I don't want you to pry into my past with Itachi._

"Didn't you want to know about kisses and...everything else? "

_Shift the subject, pretend that you didn't quite get that the boy's curiosity is very specific._

"Besides, you're quite handsome like this..."

He jokingly adds, but it's true: the boy is attractive.

Almost as attractive as Itachi.

He is paler than his brother, his hair are raven black and his features are sharp but harmonious. He is slender and thinner than Itachi, but his loose kimono reveals a taut chest, beside protruding collarbones and a long neck.

In this household Sasuke is not as popular as he is in Konoha, because to aristocrats sheer beauty or ability mean nothing if a man doesn't have social skills. Like Shisui, that they unanimously define charming.

_Shisui has always been good at reading people and telling them what they want to hear._

_He succeeded in bringing the Hyuuga clan on his side; clients are much easier._

_Itachi would be considered charming too: not only he is beautiful, graceful and well-mannered. He also loves poetry and arts, even though he's too burdened to freely express it._

_The elder imagines that if he were here he would enjoy the music performance._

_He would love to see him in a vibrant red kimono, his hair loose, his profile illuminated by the moonlight._

He expects Sasuke to leave but the boy doesn't move.

"Then kiss me."

"Uh?"

"I do want to...know. So teach me."

_Confidence. Then hesitation, then confidence again._

_The shift of subject made him consider things from a different angle._

"I'm...flattered that you chose me," Shisui replies in a mocking tone,"but I won't be offended if you choose another teacher. I don't have to be the only one, you know..."

"I want to learn from you," Sasuke rebukes.

_I want to learn from the best, whom my perfect brother chose._

Shisui voluntarily disengages his mind and lets it wander over nothing in particular. He notices that the music is not as loud as before, as the performance is over. He expects the party to continue for one or two hours, hopefully without problems. He reviews the following day's duties, imagining that unlike them, their clients will wake up late. He considers increasing the patrols on the external areas and all sorts of tasks, under silently expecting eyes.

Sasuke is patient when it comes to training, repeating the same exercise over and over until he masters it. On the contrary he is extremely impatient when he asks a question.

He hates waiting for an answer. Maybe because he needs it to understand and form his own view of things before acting.

_Maybe because he and his questions have often been ignored._

"Not a chance."

Shisui deadpans.

He should have let Sasuke drink more, it's his first thought when the boy manages to take advantage of his giddy reflexes and push him to the ground, straddling his hips with a threatening look.

Or maybe, he almost chuckles, he is _really a good teacher_.

"Not even Shisui of the Body Flicker could escape katon now," Sasuke smirks, "or...this."

With a swift moment he unsheathes the ivory senbon hidden on the side of the pipe, pointing it at Shisui's throat.

"An extravagant place such as this needs an extravagant weapon, don't you think?"

Shisui comments, his voice slightly strained after the sudden fall. As he catches his breath, inhaling from the nose and exhaling from his parted lips, he takes a good look at Sasuke's exposed milky white thighs. They make an interesting contrast with his fierce look.

"Who would have thought that you'd be suited for _those_ missions too...I'll keep that in mind for our next assignments…"

The elder says, teasingly. The white needle pushing unto his throat suggests that Sasuke doesn't find it amusing.

He doesn't find the whole situation funny either, and he knows someone who would share the same opinion. Even though it's his fault that this situation occurred.

"Try with katon next time."

The Body Flicker flips their positions: Sasuke has no time to react. He realizes what happened only when the hand that wielded the senbon pinned to the ground so hard that the wrist is hurting, and he feels his back being pressed against the damp grass, his stomach weighed down by the elder straddling him.

"You wouldn't like my teachings, kid..."

Shisui says, smirking for having defeated the youngster again.

He grabs Sasuke's face by the jaw and turns it left then right like a doll, with such strength that it's almost impossible to tell that the boy is resisting.

"...Because, you see, I like things to be a little rough..."

He ignores the boy's free arm clawing at him, to release his face from his grip. He leans over Sasuke, nose brushing his chin, lips dangerously close to his ear.

"...And when things get heated I tend to enjoy _pain_..."

His voice is huskier, carnal, not with lust but with something closer to killing intent.

"Not mine, of course."

He marks his intent by bending Sasuke's head to an impossible angle exposing his pale throat.

"And not your brother's", he anticipates, after catching a glimpse of the ridiculously concerned expression that clouds the boy's face when he imagines his brother in pain, not realizing that he should be worried about himself.

_Or maybe he is not worried for another reason._

"Not Itachi," He reiterates, finally releasing his hold on the boy's face.

_He respected Itachi too much to even think about hurting him; he would have never let his darkest side out for his beloved to see._

_He already saw too much of it, when, possessed by anger, like a bloodthirsty demon, he tortured and killed Danzo._

When he stands up the world is spinning but he's good at faking a control he doesn't have.

He casts a brief glance at the boy, disheveled, his chest exposed just like his legs, his chin and jaw reddened, his lips parted, his look confused.

"Sorry kid, I'm afraid you're going to have bruises tomorrow!"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a non-massacre AU where the massacre almost happened; this means that Itachi went through all the turmoil that he lived from the moment Shisui committed suicide to a few moments before the massacre. He went through Danzo's humiliation and threats, he was accused of Shisui's murder, he was alone and lost trust in everyone and accepted to slaughter the clan so that Sasuke would live. Then he discovered that Shisui wasn't dead and they planned together how to counter Danzo, he was called a genius and then a hero, but no one knows how badly he suffered, like I described in the latest chapter. Only Shisui knows, he knows him better than anyone else. That sort of pain, together with the one he felt as a child witnessing war, never leaves. So to him it's a duty to protect his little brother from that same pain, and it's a blessing to have him in his life. Nothing is too much or too complicated if it means that Sasuke will be fine. Also, he is very controlling, and stubborn, and goal-oriented, so much that he is aware of Sasuke suffering from being left out of many things, and he does nothing to change it, because the final goal -Sasuke's happiness in a safe peaceful world free from machinations that use people as pawns- is more important to him than anything else.
> 
> Shisui has suffered a lot as well. What he feels for Itachi is similar to what Itachi feels for Sasuke; nothing is too much or too complicated if it means that Itachi will be "fine", or less bad. Even faking his death to give him a new power. Even making him suffer for months, while he was bringing the Hyuuga on his side. It's a little similar to what Itachi did to Sasuke, making him stronger even if it meant also making him suffer. Both had to make hard choices. I explored his dark side, a glimpse of which is seen (in canon) in fact that he committed suicide so Danzo wouldn't take his eye and Itachi would have Mangekyou, leaving a too young Itachi alone, caught between Konoha and the clan.
> 
> I took this to an extreme level, not just making him not die instead, and find a solution to help Itachi, but also torturing and killing Danzo in a gruesome way. Somehow I think that someone who would commit suicide to give their loved one a new power, in other circumstances would also kill the enemy that threatens their people and the same loved one. Especially in the way Danzo did. The other thing that "darkened" Shisui's personality in my story is that he realized Itachi's real feelings and ended their relationship, becoming bitter, disillusioned. I don't think it's demeaning for him, he is still selfless and he is still a hero. He's just more human. It's terrible to love someone realize they don't feel the same.  
> Sasuke, instead, has been spared a lot of tragedy in this AU. He has a family and a brother. His generation has less worries, even Naruto, who lost his father but still has his mother and no one mistreated him, knowing that he's the Fourth Hokage's son.  
> Yet Sasuke suffers a lot, only his pain is different, more personal. His father neglected him and preferred Itachi, even more so since no one died and his firstborn son kept being perfect, even solving the issues between them and Konoha. There are a lot of strong Uchihas and even though Sasuke's results are the same as in canon he is not considered a prodigy, especially because everyone is biased against those who haven't seen the war, so to speak.  
> Sasuke admires Itachi and feels inferior to him, so I don't think that in this AU it would be IC to portray him as excessively possessive and jealous. Not when he has always seen his brother, the hero, spending time with Shisui, the other hero. They're on a sort of pedestal in his eyes, he admires them both and strives to be like them.  
> Also, I am a little tired of that sort of imagery where Sasuke's jealousy would touch psycho levels like keeping him locked from the world. My reference model for Sasuke and Itachi is the fight against Kabuto, with Edo Tensei Itachi, commanding but calm, confident and selfless, leading Sasuke, watching him all the time, jealous of him giving too much attention to Kabuto but also incredibly respectful of his younger role and naturally relying on him for guidance. Then trying to understand him. Then trying to make his dream come true. To me in those moments, Sasuke's behavior is that of someone who respects the other, not someone who wants to own him. Of course he would be jealous and possessive of Itachi, but I can't see him as a drama queen who makes scenes if someone talks to Itachi. Instead he would never forget who disrespects him. Then he'd go berserk. After all the time they spent separated I'm sure he knows what matters and what doesn't. But this is my perception of them, it's only relevant for me and my writing, be it fiction or not.


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

 

 

> _"Will you be my, be my beloved?_
> 
> _Will you help, help me to get through?_
> 
> _Will you be my, be my destruction?_
> 
> _Will you help, help me to be through? (AFI, Ever And A Day)_

 

No one would have guessed that the mysterious enemy who scared the noble household for months was the shy girl who always smiled at Naoru, with the complicity of the young man who always carried a poetry book.

They were stepbrothers: she had been adopted by a highborn family who already had a son, after her real mother had died of hardships. She used her acquired status to introduce herself in the entourage of the Daimyo's brother and enact her revenge against him, guilty of having seduced her mother with empty promises but chase her away when she got pregnant with her.

Her plan was clever: with her affable attitude she got into the women's good graces and spread rumours against random people, stirring up jealousy and rivalries whose only purpose was to distract and provide possible suspects, while her half brother, an adventurous risk lover, became familiar with every location while flirting with maids and aristocratic women alike, before setting up the threatening notes and the incidents.

Shisui noticed that the way the girl diverted her gaze when she talked to his vice captain wasn't shyness or coquettish, but her way to not get caught while eliciting information. Sasuke noticed that the young man took too many long walks around the stables, an area that his peers considered dirty; he tailed him, while his cousin kept an eye on her. They let them act undisturbed, so much that the rumours she spread spiraled in a duel.

Shisui's team ignored it, as it was only a diversion. Sasuke caught her accomplice in the act of setting fire to a particular area of the garden, where that night's wind would have made the rest, pointing straight to the Daimyo's room.

The aristocrats learned a lesson: never mistreat servants anymore.

The tangible result is a bonus for samurai and shinobi alike, because if two youngsters caused so much trouble, who knows what angry warriors could do.

In the Uchiha Special Jounin team some feel offended by their gesture, as if they were being bribed, others see it as well deserved.

_After the last party there was an increase of threats and mysterious incidents thus their shifts became endless. Sasuke didn't attend to parties anymore, as he had to spy on his suspect._

_Shisui stayed in the household all the time, instead. He wasn't particularly enthusiastic about it, but the mission wasn't progressing._

_He was tired of being there: he wanted to return to Konoha, or to move to something else._

_He dismissed what happened with Sasuke as the stunt of a kid who never drank alcohol until that night._

_At least he tried to._

_He couldn't dismiss the memory of how young and fragile he looked as he wore the expensive kimono in the sloppiest way, especially when he was lying on the grass, with his pale thighs exposed with no shame but no malice either._

_He couldn't dismiss the strong grip he had on the boy's easily breakable wrists, and how unafraid he was despite the vulnerable position he was in._

_It was a dangerous attitude; someone could take advantage of him._

* * *

 

Because their missions are often longer than other shinobi corps, Special Jounin teams are not required to report to the Hokage on their return, so once arrived in Konoha they head straight for the Uchiha district, each of them lost in their thoughts. They've reached Sasuke's house when, yawning, Shisui invites the boy to have a good rest and see some friends, as the next team meeting isn't scheduled before the following week.

"Hey...didn't you say you'd train me?"

Sasuke asks.

"Yeah I said it, and I did train you," the elder replies, yawning again, "And I will train you. But. For the next few days I don't want to see your damn face. Got it?"

"Hn" scoffs the younger, opening the door.

"Good job, brat."

Shisui means it: the boy's observational skills allowed him to find the missing piece of the puzzle, since it was impossible for the girl to have done everything alone.

Glad to have been praised by his mentor, the younger smirks as he comes inside.

_Academy and genin days, where he was praised as a prodigy, are long gone, but to Sasuke it doesn't matter. He knows that he must work hard to become as strong as his father and his team mates._

_He shouldn't even rest, he tells himself, noticing the unpleasant tiredness in his body, if he wants to become strong like Shisui. And Itachi, who watched them from the window, a kaleidoscope of different feelings whirling in his heart. Pride for his brother's accomplishment, relief because he was worried for him, happiness because he missed him, sadness because he can't say it out loud._

"You're back. Welcome home, Sasuke."

Itachi's voice is warm, as he were happy to see him, but Sasuke doesn't fall for his act anymore.

"Itachi."

Now he knows that it's just duty, that for such a perfect son, elite shinobi, future clan leader and Hokage, formal manners are ingrained.

"Is this the way you address your superiors?"

Fugaku's stern voice resonates in the room.

_It would be pointless to remind his father that he's at home, not on mission._

_As the youngest member of the family, respecting his mother, brother and father as immediate superiors has always been the first rule of the house. Not following it wasn't an option, even after Itachi revealed know how little he cared about him, and he didn't want to respect him, only to shove him against the wall and beat him up until his perfect composure was gone and he looked shattered like Sasuke's soul._

"Father," he greets him with a bow, before kneeling down and bowing again, deeply.

"My apologies for disrespecting you, brother. It won't happen again."

"You don't need to apologize" the elder replies, cutting him short.

_If only their father hadn't been there, he would have ignored Sasuke's cold tone. He would have asked him about his mission, and Sasuke would have replied, and it would have been almost like it was before, two brothers chatting about their lives, their eyes meeting the other's._

"You must be tired. You should rest."

He adds, adjusting the Anbu mask from the side of his head to his face, before leaving the house.

* * *

 

Like in every shinobi village, festivals are held rarely, but when they do they are just as lively as every other village. Paper lanterns decorate every road, every corner, everyone is wearing colourful yukata instead of their everyday dull shinobi uniform, especially women, donning their best attire, for the joy of those who already missed the daimyo's brother's extravagant parties, and those who praised their women's modest authentic beauty.

Uchiha women are not just dressed for the festival though: in the district they are also celebrating Itachi and Izumi's engagement.

They chose an already festive occasion so not to draw attention. Besides, it's just an informal gathering, Mikoto amiably tells everyone.

The couple is young and there's no need to rush things, even though Izumi's parents would have announced their future union even earlier. Fugaku, who ignored their veiled pressure at first, eventually gave in only because he was proud of his son, so that the clan -and everyone else- would be reminded of who's going to be their leader.

Itachi's career is rising fast; he's not just an Anbu who protected the village from the shadows, and the hero who saved the clan.

He is Anbu's commander, under whose unconventional lead assassination rates dropped to their minimum.

He is Fugaku's unofficial counsellor in both Council and Uchiha affairs.

Lastly, he is the Hokage's personal guard, a clever way to make him learn more and faster, attending official meetings under the pretext of protecting Tsunade and Shikaku Nara, whom he'll replace one day. If he doesn't become Hokage sooner.

Once again his life is completely absorbed by the clan and the village.

_Once again he willingly exerts himself for both. Once again he focuses only on his brother's future, putting distance between himself and the boy, so that he'll find his own path, away from him and his unmentionable feelings._

He knows how the system works and he knows that he must play by its rules, changing it from the inside: a revolution born from rebellion would have too many opponents which would eventually lead to a restoration of the old values. On the contrary, a cultural revolution will alter people's mindsets, naturally opening their minds towards real equality and cooperation.

Everyone's life will be better, then. Especially Sasuke's.

_Itachi loves and respects his father, but he swore that he won't let him use Sasuke too._

Much to his advantage, the Hyuuga clan is less stable than the Uchiha.

They must unite the two branches by marrying off their heirs, but they must come of age first. Only after that they'll start to negotiate their younger daughter's engagement with Sasuke.

Itachi has a few years of hard work ahead.

Not that he complains: Sasuke's freedom of choice is what matters the most.

_Always neglected by Fugaku, desperately longing for his approval, Sasuke would certainly obey to his will, hoping to make his father proud. And his brother, for the boy can't imagine that Itachi never wanted him to be sullied by a flawed system's seedy games of power._

* * *

 

Itachi is wearing a black yukata with dark red crow-like birds embroidered at the sleeves and bottom, barely visible under a dimmer light, just like the plum blossoms embroidered in Izumi's pale lilac one.

They are the perfect display of modesty and class, standing close yet not too much, smiling yet not laughing, talking to each other yet remaining each in their own world.

_Hers is made of memories of the boy she lost to an untimely death, of the ghost of the future they dreamed of._

_His is made of memories of the boy he chased away, of the hope for the boy's future that he always dreamed of._

Yet for someone their bodies are too close, their smiles too bright, their words too many.

_The confrontation with Itachi taught Sasuke that his brother doesn't love Izumi, as she is not Shisui._

_Nevertheless he hates her. Their marriage is just duty for him -just like sibling affection- but she will get to spend her whole life with him._

_He hates himself, for if he never kissed the elder they would still be close and he would be happily ignorant of the truth._

_He hates Itachi, for not loving him back._

_He hates Shisui for being the way he is, so smug and unable to take him seriously, so smart to fake his own death and gain another clan's trust, so strong to kill Danzo, saving his life and Itachi's._

_No wonder his brother loved him._

_Maybe he still does, although Sasuke is only sure about the contempt in the elder's voice when he compared Shisui to him, that add up to a declaration that no matter how different from the past, no matter how painful, he didn't doubt._

_The only thing that would have challenged his trust would have been if Itachi claimed to love a girl he never even mentioned._

_That's why the elder used Shisui to distance himself from the boy, even while explaining his engagement. It was the only way to cover up his true unmentionable feelings._

_Even if it ended up confusing his brother and exposing his pure soul to the very flawed system he strived to protect him from._

Sasuke can't remember that when he was just a toddler Izumi insisted to hold him but he squirmed and pushed her away, crying to return in his brother's arms.

Itachi can't forget it, instead, especially when his brother casts ice-cold glares at her.

_At both._

_To be hated by Sasuke is what he wanted, Itachi reminds himself, trying to focus on the boy's anger more than his hurt._

His father hasn't noticed anything yet, as busy as he is, but if the younger doesn't restrain his hostility he will, and both are aware of how unforgivable this lack of manners would be.

Thus Sasuke drinks.

_Itachi never saw Sasuke drinking. He wonders if it's an adult habit he took while on mission._

_It's painful to realize how many things about him he ignores by now._

_He imagines pouring his brother a drink while he tells him everything. He imagines taking him away from the party_ _, before he drinks too much. He imagines taking him to a quiet place and hug him, and ask for forgiveness, but reality is different and he can only work for his distant future and hope that he'll be fine in the immediate one._

* * *

 

Sasuke feels dizzy, not drunk, when he goes outside to breath some fresh air.

If he were drunk he wouldn't stop in his tracks and promptly hide behind a fence as he hears his brother's name.

"You're so silly! How can you be jealous of Itachi?"

A feminine laughter fills the air.

"Itachi is a genius, a hero, and he's also handsome...but I love you, not him!"

"Akane, you're not reassuring me," the male jokingly protests, "But I can't object. Itachi is an inspiration."

Sasuke knows them by sight, like everyone else. They're slightly older than Itachi.

"Everything seems possible when he speaks about it. He makes us all feel valuable but in truth it's him who does everything...just like he and Shisui did back then."

Their conversation halts for a short while, buried by muffled sounds of kisses and nonsensical romantic words that end as abruptly as they started, before things become too heated.

_Will Itachi do the same with Izumi? Sasuke wonders, tightly clenching his hands into fists._

_Did his brother and Shisui do the same?_

"His brother is a special jounin, isn't he? My record is flawless but I didn't make it to join their team. He must be strong...he learned from the best, after all."

"Darling, I prefer you in the Police force so I know where you are…"

The woman giggles. Then, her voice lowers almost to a whisper.

"...I've heard that Sasuke is...promising," she shrugs, clearly in disbelief, "but he's nothing like Itachi, who graduated in a single year, entered Anbu at 11, became captain at 13...and prevented our destruction, ending discrimination and conflicts. How can anyone get even close to that? No wonder the kid never speaks at clan meetings..."

_What should he say that Itachi hasn't covered already?_

"It's not his fault, kids his age are all softies. They were born in peace, they didn't see the war."

"Indeed. After I saw the battlefield I had nightmares for years and I was so scared that I didn't skip training anymore! "

"I wish I had protected you, Akane..."

He says tenderly.

"How sweet...but you were just a child like me back then!"

Sasuke walks away when they start kissing again.

He was ready to beat them up if they spoke against Itachi, but who would ever do such thing? All they did was praise his perfect brother.

Their only ill comment was against him; in fact it wasn't even that ill, as technically they only stated the truth: that he doesn't have any special ability or merit.

_That he's not worthy of Itachi._

_Wasn't it the same thing his brother said?_

Like the couple said, Sasuke used to consider himself lucky to live by Itachi's side and learn from him.

The very idea of being his brother, of loving him and being loved by him, filled his heart with pride and joy.

He used to believe that Itachi loved him _almost_ as much as he did.

It was impossible to love more than he loved his big brother, he used to think, just like he figured that if he became strong not only his father but also Itachi would be proud of him.

He used to think a lot about Itachi: some thoughts were simple, others confused. Some weren't thoughts but daydreams, hopes and wishes and desires that he didn't even know how to describe.

* * *

 

Only when the stream of his consciousness brings him by the river and he doesn't know how he got there, Sasuke realizes he's drunk.

Unlike inside the village, here there are no lanterns and no people.

It's colder here. Here is where, years before, he saw Itachi and Shisui kissing.

A shiver follows, with a bitter smile at the irony of escaping from his brother's engagement only to end up where he used to meet his lover.

_It's not even that hidden. What if they got caught? Physical displays of affection in public are frowned upon. They should have found a better place if the didn't want others to see them. Were they that attracted to one another that they couldn't wait to go somewhere else?_

He's so removed from reality that he doesn't notice that someone else is there.

For Shisui too the couple is standing too close, their smiles are too bright. Their words too many.

_He hates Izumi, even though more than anyone he knows that there is nothing between them._

_He hates himself and his selfish jealousy, so different from his cousin's image of him._

_He hates Itachi, for not loving him back._

_He hates Sasuke for being the way he is, so trusting of everything Itachi says, so painfully naive to not get that everything Itachi does is for him._

If Sasuke needed further proof of his drunken state it would be the unsteady way he walks, looking around, remembering details of that long gone moment.

They were really close to the edge, he muses, looking down in the dark waters whose flowing reminds him of a voice whispering something over and over.

_What is it saying? With each step Sasuke feels like hearing more distinct sounds, until sounds mix with images and he remembers: this is the spot where Shisui jumped, where his brother saw his loved one die, thus activating Mangekyou Sharingan._

_No wonder they used to meet here._

_Sasuke remembers how weird he felt when he activated his sharingan._

_He was trying to be brave but he was terribly afraid. Danzo had thrown him to the ground and his leg was bent at a strange angle and it hurt so much but he didn't want that bad man to see him cry, so he bit his lip until he drew blood. His big brother came to check on him quickly but was paralyzed by Danzo's jutsu, while he, useless child, was paralyzed by fear. The old evil man babbled something about watching his little brother die as a punishment, carefully aligning his sword to pierce a non-vital point in the elder, but a vital one in Sasuke, who didn't even realize that he was going to die. He could only think about Itachi and that big sword ready to strike. That's when he activated it._

_He had heard stories about shinobi activating their sharingan and immediately using it to defeat enemies. For him it was overwhelming, a sensory overload that quickly depleted his chakra, so much that he fainted soon after seeing Shisui coming to their to their rescue, giving Danzo the punishment he needed, like a vengeful demon._

_Or a ghost. After all, Shisui jumped from this very spot, he thinks when he's done reminiscing._

Alerted by how uncertain the boy's steps are, and how close to the edge he is, Shisui approaches, silently but not too much, hoping that Sasuke will turn around and finally notice him.

_How did Shisui feel back then?_

_Was there a moment where he feared that he wouldn't make it?_

_Was there a moment where the image of the waters swallowing him forever seemed comforting?_

_He wonders._

Sasuke opens his arms wide as if he were ready to fly. He closes his eyes, as the wind blows through the sleeves of his yukata.

_Maybe the little fish embroidered on his dark blue yukata want to return to where they belong._

Above him, the starry sky. Below, its reflection.

_How would it feel to jump into the river?_

_Wouldn't it be similar to ascending to the sky, to fall among the stars reflected in the water?_

_Or would it be more like being sucked into a black hole?_

_Drowning is a painful way to die, but somehow, as he's precariously standing on the edge of a cliff, it doesn't appear as painful as living._

_Since he has memory of himself he trained a lot and got good grades and records, hoping to be acknowledged by his brother and father._

_Being acknowledged meant being worthy of receiving their love._

_Unfortunately he never was. Apparently he still isn't._

_When Itachi, Shisui, his father, everyone else was his age, they were much better than him._

_Now Sasuke wonders is if he got it all wrong._

_If greatness isn't something to acquire but an innate quality people are born with, like Konoha founders, like Shisui and Itachi._

_If he's really going to be worthy of his clan, of being Fugaku's son and Itachi's brother._

_If, instead, his determination is just the way his mind deludes him into living one more day without giving in to despair, anticipating something that will never arrive._

_If his constant training is an active sort of daydream, a cocoon for self preservation against a reality that is not waiting for him, no matter how hard he tries to achieve perfection._

_He dreamed a lot when he was a kid, Back then, everything seemed possible if he worked hard. Now he's older and technically stronger, yet he still feels as useless as he felt when his brother was about to be pierced by Danzo's sword. The only difference is that he didn't know how Itachi felt about him back then, while now he does._

_He's not even living. He's just dragging a pointless existence._

_Imagining its end is weirdly comforting._

_His former team would be saddened, unlike his current one, that would probably toast to his memory only for the sake of drinking._

_His mother would cry, while his father would be angry and ashamed of his coward act._

_Itachi, always the genius, would come up with a way to cover up the truth and spare them the dishonor, silently cursing how he was worthless in life and troublesome in death, inwardly relieved that he is no more._

_Shisui wouldn't care about his death either, the thought fills Sasuke with unexpected sadness, although not as much as Itachi's indifference._

_His cousin would be there for his brother._

_He would recount their training, his progress and failures. He would surely mention what happened at that party, and the story of his useless little brother rejected by Shisui as well, would convince Itachi that he did the right thing in leaving the world._

_Maybe they would be right here._

_Maybe they would kiss again._

Shisui purposely steps on a stick but Sasuke doesn't notice, so he flickers behind him.

_What is that idiot doing?_

_Does he really want to jump in the river?_

_If he does, Itachi will be devastated. Everything he worked for would vanish._

_He would be torn by guilt, for everything would be his fault._

_His very purpose, his very self would disappear._

_He would become a lifeless doll. His parents and everyone around him wouldn't notice the difference, as guarded as his cousin is._

_Only he would, for no one knows Itachi better than Shisui._

_And no one knows the river better than him either._

_Certainly not the birds embroidered on his _dark yukata, its color, between green and blue, slightly similar to Sasuke's.__

Sasuke's somber musings end forcefully when is grabbed from behind and shoved back on reality, hard as the ground that his back hits hard.

He blinks, slightly panting, focusing on his surroundings again.

Shisui is standing over him, feet enclosing his hips, and as if it weren't enough, when the boy's breathing evens, he sets his foot on his chest.

Many times, during their sparring sessions, he would declare his win through the same gesture, increasing the pressure if the boy tried fight back, to teach him that he have to be quick because he didn't have forever to defeat his opponent.

_To remind him who was in command._

This time, it's just a further precaution to keep him still, albeit Sasuke doesn't need it.

He looks like a porcelain doll, as pale and still as he is. His chest and shoulders are exposed due to Shisui grabbing him simultaneously by the arm and the collar thus making a mess of his yukata, on the one day where he was almost wearing it properly, because his mother adjusted it before the party started. His lips are parted, and long black lashes frame lost, forlorn black eyes opening wide, shiny with unshed tears.

_It's like waking up from a dream: it takes a few instants to cross the bridge towards wakefulness. During that short time every action and word has the eerie quality of visions and prophecies._

_That's why Shisui freezes hearing the boy's broken mutter._

_That's why Shisui pretends he didn't hear anything._

"What are you doing kid?"

"I...don't know," Sasuke replies.

He's sincere. He never thought about dying. And yet, one more step and he would be no longer among the living. Did he really want to die? Did he really want to never see his brother again? Did he really want to stop training and getting stronger? Did he really want to give up to the chance of finally being acknowledged by Itachi, his father, the one whose foot is keeping him on the ground, whose voice is harshly resonating through his ears, dissipating the river's whispers?

_For once, instead of being harsh, he should be more understanding, Shisui tells himself, but it's hard when his heart is racing despite his apparently calm demeanor._

_As much as he saw through the boy's feelings, fears and ambitions so far, he never had a glimpse of the despair that dwelled on his deepest recess of his heart, until moments ago._

_Moreover, his words left an unsettling impression on the teleporter._

" _Are you..."_

_He murmured, gaze unfocused._

" _Are you saving me or yourself?"_

_He added, and Shisui went back to that night, when he faked his death. To Itachi's desperate look as he tried to catch him. To his pained, defeated voice, as he screamed his name._

_He was leaving his cousin alone caught between the clan and the village, without the only one he ever shared his mind with._

_Yet he had no other choice; Itachi needed a new power, to face what was going to happen next._

_He wasn't abandoning him. He was helping him, he told himself as he was falling down, in the darkness, where time seemed to have stopped, and as the wind blew through his clothes, he heard the waters call him, promising him a well deserved rest._

_He was tempted to leave that violent, power-hungry world and maybe be born in a better one, but he couldn't die._

_He had a mission. He had someone special to protect._

_He had someone special to save, even though in doing so he was breaking his heart and soul._

"Do you have a death wish?"

"No"

The boy retorts quickly, hardening his look albeit with questionable results and grabbing Shisui's ankle with both hands. The elder removes the foot from his chest before he has the chance to do something unexpected. He has enough of that.

_He should ignore what just happened. Who didn't do something really stupid at least once when they were drunk?_

_Yet no matter how many excuses he finds, he can't dismiss Sasuke._

_Itachi entrusted his most precious person to him and as troublesome as it is, he can't break a promise to his own most precious person._

_He can't dismiss someone who swallowed his pride to become his disciple, who despite his excessively hard treatment, still looks up to him, his mentor._

_He can't dismiss someone whose suffering he could end with only a few words. But would he?_

_Itachi trusts him more than anyone, and Shisui promised to support him no matter what. Disclosing both his secret feelings and future plans for his brother would be the worst betrayal, even if done with the best intentions._

_He already lost Itachi's love. In fact, he never had it._

_He doesn't want to lose his friendship too._

_But what if he could save the boy's life by revealing what his older brother really feels for him?_

_Is Sasuke's life more important than Itachi's presence in his own life?_

_As selfish as it may be, the idea of Sasuke's death isn't as horrifying as the idea of losing what's left of his relationship with Itachi. Of not being able to meet him. Of no longer sitting by this very river and talk about the world and the future._

_Besides, it's no longer a matter of life and death for Sasuke._

_Besides, he knows another way to save him. Or better, to keep him from breaking further._

_The boy suggested it himself._

Shisui bends down until he sits astride his cousin.

"How interesting...I clearly remember that you didn't like drinking with your cousin, senpai and team leader and yet you are so drunk now...Did you change your mind about sake?"

He sounds completely casual, as if he weren't straddling the boy's lower abdomen, as if he hadn't caught said boy before he jumped into the river.

"Maybe."

Here it is, Sasuke's defiant look, as if he weren't being straddled, as if he hadn't been caught before he jumped into the river.

Shisui's hand reaches the other's lips.

"I clearly remember something else. You asked me to _teach you_."

There is no need to add more details.

"Did you change your mind on that too?"

He asks, after a brief pause. Shisui's tone is no longer casual.

"Hn" is the only thing he boy replies, a spark of curiosity brightening his pitch-black eyes.

For Shisui it's enough. His hand travels on Sasuke's chest. The younger shivers at the touch and the other is not sure if it's because of the cold, because he was caught off guard, because he doesn't like it or because he likes it instead.

Maybe he doesn't want to know. He doesn't need to. It's not _that kind_ of relationship.

"I'm not going to be gentle with you, boy."

_As if he has ever been gentle with him anyway, since he had to take him under his wing._

Shisui smirks as he leaves a trail of goosebumps, tracing the boy's pale expanse with his fingers, descending to his lower ribs, slightly visible now that he's lying, stretched.

_Even Itachi's lower ribs used to stick out when he was younger. The two have a similar lean build, but when he was Sasuke's age, the elder's muscle mass was already more developed. That and his warmer completion made him appear stronger than this lithe pale boy who, despite his feisty personality and his double chakra affinity, for fire like all Uchiha, and lighting unlike most of them, without the usual shinobi gear looks almost fragile._

_Probably it's the reason why Itachi wants to protect him so much, even from his very self._

"I figured that out."

He replies, defiant, despite the vulnerable position.

_What would Itachi say to him if he saw him now, on top of his precious, pure brother?_

_Would he believe Shisui, if he said that it was Sasuke's idea?_

_Would he coldly intimate him to get off the boy, or would he push him away, openly insulting him?_

_In any case Shisui is sure that Itachi would not consider Sasuke, not him._

_This thought fills him with burning anger._

He breathes heavily through his nostrils, pinching Sasuke's nipple hard, making him wince, and squirm slightly; the momentary pain combined with the growing discomfort of being pressed to the ground beneath another body. An athletic one such as Shisui's, no less.

He digs his fingers into his cousin's thighs, a move that he knows the other is particularly sensitive to, although he never used it on his bare thighs, whose muscles twitch under his touch. He can feel the spasm propagating through his lower body, up to his firm gluteal muscles, pressing on his stomach.

It's not the first time they end up like this, although they are usually wearing clothes, or at least they were trousers.

_Both dislike not wearing trousers, after all._

Moreover, the contact never lasted this long. Only the time for the elder to tease Sasuke's choice of attacks that led to his defeat, or, when he was in a good mood, for him to explain how to improve what he did wrong.

_In these rarer times he almost reminds him of Itachi._

Nevertheless, though not as bold as last time, Sasuke is neither afraid nor nervous.

_He is at the elder's mercy, with no control or power, but was there ever a time where he had them?_

He turns around following Shisui's gaze. Both are thinking the same thing.

This is where he and Itachi kissed.

"Forget what you saw here."

The elder replies to a question that doesn't need to be asked. He marks his words by stroking the boy's throat with a heavy hand.

"I won't treat you like Itachi" he makes his point clearer.

Instead of struggling, the younger bares it further.

"I'm not Itachi" he whispers under the elder's grip.

It's only because of the foreign fingers controlling his breathing that he doesn't sound as defiant as he intended.

Even though his eyes, dark and desperate and hungry express more than defiance.

_I'm not as strong as Itachi._

_I'm not as perfect as him._

_I never thought I was when I came to you._

_How could I expect the same treatment as him?_

"I see."

Shisui's face contorts in a crooked, dangerous grin.

"Fine then."

Shisui says _-to the river, to the trees, to the memory of Itachi, to the ghost of their past relationship; not to Sasuke, because Sasuke is not his equal, because Sasuke is not his partner but his disciple, so he doesn't have to justify anything-_ before diving on the boy.

His kisses are smoldering, almost forceful, with no hesitation, no waiting for the boy to adjust to having his pure unknowing mouth invaded by another's, his tongue and teeth making contact too soon, too unexpectedly, with the younger's.

He can't slow down. If he does he'll have to question his actions, he'll have to come to terms with the fact that he is betraying Itachi's trust. He'll have to stop and he doesn't want to, because he's just teaching him, because he's doing his cousin a favour, because his cousin actually asked him to, because he's saving him from who knows what other stupid action, because the pale boy's mouth is hot and inviting -whether he wants it or not- and it's just impossible to stop when he wants more of it, when he wants it all, when he doesn't care if Sasuke likes it or not.

_Or if he's breathing or not. In fact, the more labored his breathing becomes beneath him, the more exhilarating it becomes._

Sasuke is a fast learner.

Just like every time he learns a new technique, getting the gist of it after a brief observation, following the other's movements until he's able to repeat the same technique almost flawlessly and add his own touch.

_He can't afford to be less than that, being the clan leader's son and the prodigy's brother, both too busy to teaching him, although for very different reasons._

_He had to make the most of every crumb of their time and instructions._

For Sasuke it's strange at first, to having Shisui's tongue intertwining his own, exploring his mouth, his teeth grazing his lips. Such an intimate contact is even stranger than the other's hands touching his chest and throat.

His only experience of close contact being sparring he had no idea that having another body on top of him would feel so good, so paradoxically comforting.

It seems like being taken care of. Being shielded from everything.

_Protected. Something he didn't need, or so he thought._

Even when Shisui's hips grind against his, in a frenzy that makes him gasp, trying to emerge from drowning under the other's body pushing him down.

Even though Shisui's mouth clearly stated how little he cared about him, before descending on him to take control of his breathing.

It's more than anything anyone ever gave him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who were waiting for an update: thanks for your patience. I will finish all my fics, but I have my own pace, which, unfortunately, is a slow one. My chapters are long though. This almost makes up for the long wait.
> 
> It took 7 chapters to build up this relationship but I'm proud of how it came out and how Shisui and Sasuke are behaving according to the context they're in. Context is everything in my opinion. It cannot really modify personalities (both real and fictional) but it can give them a few different shades, in a way that cannot be defined OOC, which has a negative quality. 
> 
> Shisui's suicide in canon is seen as inevitable, but I have been thinking about how things would have been without it. Itachi would have suffered less and who knows about the massacre...this is just speculation, Shisui's death was important so that Itachi would obtain Mangekyou Sharingan anyway, but still, it could be seen as a questionable choice, to abandon one's best friend (and in this story much more), isn'it? I'm not the type who judges right or wrong a fictional action, especially if it's important to set things in motion. It's just a ranting.
> 
> In a non massacre AU Sasuke would be one of the many Uchiha who fought in the previous wars, his strength would not be as impressive as in an Uchiha-less Konoha. Because of this he would have to keep up to all those war veterans, it would be a cause of insecurity for someone who tends to be insecure about his own strength, because his father constantly compared to his brother. So this Sasuke's inner turmoil is less epic, more personal.
> 
> Weird how in a non massacre AU they can't reach out to the other and talk things out uh? But as you can see Itachi is troubled as well. His canon need for control here took this turn. He isn't struggling with guilt, but he is obsessed with working to change things, and most of it all with doing what's best for Sasuke, he's so far away into the future that he goes on, no matter what it takes or how many hearts he breaks in the process. Izumi is another character with a personal inner life. Honestly I don't care about her canon self, in my story she has her own feelings and although I don't ship her with Itachi, they have a good friendship, as forced into an arranged marriage as they are. If you're looking for romantic moments for them, sorry, this is not the fight fic though. 
> 
> Sasuke isn't suicidal, like emo style, but his questioning nature, and alcohol, and his disregard of his own body, were about to make him jump. It was a moment of weakness, more than a constant state. 
> 
> My writing style highlights inner thoughts and feelings a lot, the italic parts. Some don't like them, as they distract from the plot, not realizing that they are the plot, exactly like events that happen outside. But to each their own.
> 
> Last but not least, I am self-referential on purpose, with "certain" images and actions. I like doing so. After all, fic writing is being self indulgent first.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like fics that use too many Japanese words, but I used some in this fic, and especially in this chapter. English is not my native language so I didn't know how to express the different undertones of a certain thing. I knew how to express it in Japanese, instead.
> 
> So, everyone knows what sensei means. And everyone is familiar with Deidara's speech pattern. Anyway "Danna" can mean husband but also master, or patron, in case of a geisha. "Shishou" means master, it can be similar to sensei especially in a martial arts context.
> 
> I don't want to spoil the chapter so for more about this and everything else, see more notes below.

> _Drained and blue  
> _ _I bleed for you  
> _ _You think it's funny, well  
> _ _You're drowning in it too (Alice In Chains, No Excuses)_
> 
>  

It's pleasurable. Very, overwhelmingly so.

Sasuke's body moves along with Shisui's, his head tilting at the right angle, his mouth giving the other's complete access, his tongue following the frantic rhythm set by the elder, his fingers clawing at his arms. His mind isn't completely focused on the actions at first, caught in a whirlpool of jumbled thoughts, images of the kiss he saw happening in the past, of the words Shisui just told him, of questions - _is this what Itachi felt when Shisui kissed him?_   _Did Itachi kiss back with the same ardor? Did Itachi forget to breathe too?-_  but gradually every thought and question and image is shut down by the urgency of the present moment and all its sensations, of someone else's tongue swirling around his own, of someone else's body grinding against his, of foreign hands keeping him still.

_As if he wanted to escape._

"I thought you'd be less responsive..more shy," Shisui groans, rolling his hips against him, eliciting a strangled moan.

"I learn fast..."

Sasuke pants heavily, trying to regain his breath, his lips red and swollen.

"You just have a skilled teacher."

He smirks at the elder's comeback.

"A demanding teacher."

Their cocks are painfully hard under their rumpled, half opened yukata.

Shisui gets off Sasuke and rolls him over on his side, while he lies behind him.

"You'll do as I say. Always. If you won't obey, I'll stop teaching you."

He finds the way to Sasuke's underwear, making the boy squirm at the sudden gesture.

"One more thing: I'm not your lover. I'm not your friend. You'll address me appropriately."

When the teleporter pulls Sasuke's yukata up, the younger suppresses a shiver at the cold air reaching his lower half.

"Like...sensei?"

_Both know that aniki would be too painful._

The elder takes hold of his shaft with a firm squeeze.

"It's not enough.  _Danna-sama_  is better. I'm your master. You'll refer to me as such."

He says huskily, grinding against the other's ass without releasing his hold.

"Understood... _shishou_."

Sasuke's voice comes out weaker than he'd like to.

"Good."

_He would have been disappointed if the boy hadn't defied him a little._

Shisui chuckles when, freeing his cock with the other hand, Sasuke stills, unwillingly revealing how despite his attitude, sex is still unknown to him, but he pushes the endearment away.

_The time for endearment ended when Sasuke took Itachi's heart from him._

"Nah, not that...You gotta learn a lot more before we get to that..."

From behind, Shisui slides his cock between Sasuke's closed legs.

_Something he never did before, with someone he never thought he'd do before, in a place where he did so much with someone he always loved._

"You gotta learn how to pleasure me so much that I'll want to fuck you."

Sasuke moans loudly at the friction.

_When Shisui heard the boy crying when he was a toddler, he didn't expect to hear him moaning in pleasure. He certainly didn't expect to find that sound so tempting._

"Now stroke yourself kid."

Shisui commands, releasing his grip on the other's length. Sasuke's hesitation only lasts until he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

He doesn't have to imagine anything, as the elder grinding against him, his ragged breathing and low grunts being real and incredibly arousing.

_Like every boy his age Sasuke has done it before, although not as much as them, who fantasized about teammates, friends or anyone who caught their eye. It was difficult for him, who never felt attraction for anyone except for his perfect brother whose piercing stare seemed to read his very soul. He was sure that if he masturbated thinking about Itachi, the elder would have known, somehow, and he would have been offended._

_Besides, he wanted the real one, not a fantasy._

_Naive as he was, there was a time when he had thought it possible._

Shisui's head peeks from over his shoulder, humming in approval, looking at Sasuke's long fingers curled around his arousal. His hand strokes the boy's hip and side, as he thrusts experimentally between his clenched thighs.

"I'll teach you everything there is to know  _and more_..."

His warm breath tickles Sasuke's ear.

"You're going to work hard  _under_ me...in return I will teach you  _everything_."

Shisui grabs the boy's cock, pumping him hard while he adds more speed to his movements, as if he were inside him for real.

"And if you'll be good I will reward you."

They sputter their seed on the grass, Sasuke coming with a strangled cry, Shisui with a throaty moan, that he buries, along with his teeth, in the junction between the Uchiha's neck and shoulder.

That stinging pain adds a new rush of sensations to the last waves of his orgasm, magnifying it, making it fuller, almost completing it.

As they straighten their yukata and pull themselves together, swiping away at his curly bangs from between half lidded eyes, the elder announces that this was the first lesson, where he learned that pain and pleasure complete each other.

* * *

For a shinobi it's normal to use sex to unwind from their tough job, just like it's normal to have some naked fun with a teammate.

Most of them deem better to not deny themselves what they can have today, waiting for a bigger reward tomorrow.

_True love may not even exist, and even if it does duty comes first._

_Besides, death could catch them any time._

Most of them know that they're just human though, which means they might develop deeper unwanted feelings, the kind that hinder their duty, thus they try to not form an attachment to their partners, avoiding everything that might bring them close, like exclusivity or dates, or sharing secrets.

For Shisui and Sasuke it can't be that way, as even though they hadn't been spending time together in a long time before the latter joined the special jounin team, they have always been close somehow, as there used to be a deeply rooted affection between them.

They aren't just cousins. Shisui was like an older brother to Itachi, and his protectiveness extended to the youngest of them as well.

_He saved both brothers' lives. He gave Itachi a new power, and the suffering that came with it. He gave Itachi his heart and Itachi almost did the same, and for a while he thought everything would have been fine, but then Sasuke grew up and his lover's real feelings became clear and everything fell apart._

Shisui was there when Sasuke was taken home from the hospital. He was there during his first wobbling steps towards Itachi and his first swim in the river. He was there when he activated his sharingan, overwhelmed by the fear that his brother would be killed by Danzo. He kept him company when his leg was broken and Itachi was away, on a mission to bring Tsunade back, while, as the clans discussed the future, Hiruzen was willingly kept under house arrest.

_Shisui felt at house arrest too, but in his case staying home for a while was Fugaku and Hiashi's suggestion, so not to tarnish what they defined a bloodless revolution with the images of Danzo's severed head rolling on the ground, and his raving mad expression that, according to both clan leaders, would have confirmed the Second Hokage's theory about the existence of the curse of hatred._

_The teleporter didn't argue back: the village stability wasn't in danger anymore, the clan wasn't threatened anymore, Itachi wasn't being manipulated by that evil man anymore._

_Nothing else mattered._

He knew Sasuke better than his teammates, and Sasuke knew that he could count on his cousin.

In hindsight, what happened in the Daimyo's brother's garden, Sasuke asking Shisui's  _help_  out of the blue, made perfect sense.

One time that Itachi was away on a mission, Shisui heard a weird knocking at his door.

When he opened it he saw Sasuke's foot ready to hit it again.

The boy looked tired and in pain. His arms, littered with electrical burns, wouldn't move at all.

"Hey...what happened? Do you want me to take you to the hospital?"

He asked, ushering the boy inside.

"There's no need for that," he shook his head, "but niisan says you can do basic healing so.."

"Uhm, so I told him but it turns out that my chakra control isn't stable enough for healing wounds. I can only infuse my chakra on them but I can't use it specifically."

The elder pointed out, rubbing the back of his head.

"It's enough."

Sasuke cut him short, a serious look on his twelve years old's face, where his childlike features were getting sharper.

"Did you get injured during a mission or…"

He asked when he finally relaxed, because his young cousin didn't mind his green chakra occasionally blazing or collapsing.

For a medical ninja an irregular chakra flow was a major mistake, but Sasuke was just a genin, he didn't know better.

"I was training. A lightning based jutsu. When chakra isn't perfectly controlled it backfires."

Sasuke explained, eyes eloquently directed at his arms. The other made a sympathetic pained face.

_Despite clearly being in pain Sasuke didn't make a single sound. He truly was Itachi's brother. Or he truly wanted to emulate him, Shisui thought._

"It takes a lot of chakra to perform it, especially in the beginning, so I'm completely depleted now."

"I see...But why didn't you ask your sensei?"

_Kakashi was Itachi's former captain. He was one of the Anbu sent in the Uchiha compound that night. Shisui didn't remember him, his mind was only focused on getting revenge on Danzo, and when it was over everything became blurry until Itachi took him by the arm, towards the people he saved, lifting him from the darkness into the light again._

_He didn't know how well Kakashi saw him as, covered in blood, he threw Danzo's head at their feet and screamed out the vile plan their leader wanted Itachi to carry on._

_He didn't know if he had any impact on Kakashi but the silver haired shinobi left Anbu soon after._

"Our training session was over."

So he was training alone, overtime. Like Itachi used to. Shisui fondly remembered the times he trained his cousin and best friend. The person he loved.

"Then why didn't you.."

"Your chakra is starting to work," Sasuke interrupted him, his finger twitching, "I'll be able to move my arms sooner than you expect, because lightning is my element."

He sounded proud.

It was extremely rare for an Uchiha to have a lightning affinity. Shisui's mother was one of the few, but she died before she could teach him, besides, other than fire like their whole clan, he had a wind affinity like his grandfather Kagami.

"It's impressive," Shisui commented, "An Uchiha mastering lightning. Here it used to be a Hatake clan thing only. We're not the Lightning country where most shinobi have that affinity."

They chatted until Sasuke regained control of his arms again, then Shisui offered him some warm tea. When he finished it the boy took his leave.

"Don't tell Father about his."

He said before flash-stepping away.

"Please" he added, barely a whisper.

_Sasuke expected Fugaku to be proud of him but he was wrong. The man wasn't even interested in his innate ability. He told the boy to show him the jutsu only when properly mastered._

_He understood though: his father was busy, being the clan leader and a Council member, so he trained day and night, until, exhausted, he injured himself, and he didn't go to the hospital because there were Uchiha nurses who would surely notify their clan leader._

_Shisui knew that Fugaku didn't mind his son training until late at night, but he would have scolded his clumsiness for such incident. In Fugaku's mind, despite knowing that this was a different era, it was inevitable to compare his youngest son with Itachi, Anbu captain at 13._

In hindsight, Sasuke asking for Shisui's  _help_  in the Daimyo's brother's garden, didn't come out of the blue at all. In fact, it made perfect sense.

* * *

Their relationship doesn't really change, it just acquires a new layer.

The rules are simple: Shisui's word is law. If Sasuke doesn't meet his demands he won't be taught anymore.

It's no different from the way Shisui trains him, except for the fact that when he does well in his  _this particular training_  he gets a reward.

_A reward that makes him squirm and writhe and moan and arch his back and buck his hips, no matter if he's restrained by ropes or kept still by Shisui's hand._

_Sasuke is more vocal than Itachi._

_Shisui teases him about it but he actually likes it; it helps him focus on the present moment._

_It helps him ignore that he taught Itachi some of the things he is teaching Sasuke -not all of them, as what they did was different- who pretends to ignore that the other is probably comparing his performance with his brother's and that it's another competition that he can't win._

Shisui's word is law.

He decides what to teach his disciple and how.

_His voice and posture, the same as during regular training at first, get huskier and less straight as Sasuke obeys to his instructions._

_Sometimes it's hard to control himself while his cousin is kneeling in front of him, taking him in his mouth._

_At first it's because he's supposed to be teaching the boy, who's still trying to overcome his gag reflex so he tentatively licks and bobs his head with no real pace, but its mouth is warm and his inexperienced body submitting to him is more than enough to make Shisui want to fuck his face._

_Then it's because the pupil mastered his teachings perfectly, swirling his tongue over his length and taking all of it, so the elder can finally hold his head and buck his hips in and out of his mouth, and the pleasure is so intense that if he were to loosen the grip on the other's head his knees would give out._

_Or it's because of the adrenaline rush he gets from the sight of his unknowing rival kneeling before him, hands tied behind his back, dried remainders of his dominance on his face -blood on his nose and lip, cum on his cheeks- and from the sense of power that comes with knowing that he did such thing to Sasuke, the very boy that Itachi sees as perfect and pure, the very boy who submitted to such lewd treatment and to him, of all people._

After Shisui teaches Sasuke everything he knows about sex, it's time for  _more_ practice.

_It's like sparring, somehow: when it's over Sasuke is on the ground, covered in cuts and bruises._

_The only difference is that he's naked. Both are._

Sometimes it happens after a mission.

Others, even though they are professionals with a strong focus on their job, they don't wait for it to be over, but they make sure to keep it quiet. They don't want their client to see them as disrespectful and their work as sloppy, and they don't want the squad to babble on about them.

Not that they'd care about them having an affair.

Besides, they have been making jokes about them since Sasuke joined the team.

_Sasuke is younger, inferior in rank and with less field experience compared to all of them; there was no reason for him to be required in an elite team such as theirs. They recognize that he's skilled, observant and despite his temperament, polite towards them, and they admit that having him around is convenient as they can delegate him menial tasks._

_Yet taking in an apprentice isn't a special jounin custom. The only reason why it happened is that Sasuke has connections, his father being the clan leader and his brother being the future Hokage._

_Or maybe their leader is fucking him._

_Sasuke is a pretty boy after all, it wouldn't be strange if Shisui decided to keep him close at all times._

_Until the squad jokes stay between them there is no problem; even Sasuke learned to ignore them, and Shisui knows enough embarrassing information about all of them to joke in return. If their rumours made it outside their locker room though, it would be troublesome._

_Shisui can't even imagine what Fugaku's reaction would be if he heard about an affair between his second son and the controversial clan hero._

_Maybe he would be angry at their lack of discretion, maybe he would even punish Sasuke._

_Maybe, like most things concerning the son that can't be as perfect as his first born, he wouldn't care at all._

_Unlike Itachi._

_That would be an entirely different matter._

Sometimes it happens after they spar.

The boy's defiant attitude is entertaining when kept under control. Shisui wants respect but it would be boring if he were to be completely tamed.

If he really were, there would be nothing to punish him for.

_When they sparred even Itachi was defiant at times, but he did it on purpose, as an opponent losing their temper also would also lose concentration._

_Shisui was almost caught off guard by how good he was at it._

_Itachi hated to lose, but no one noticed because he was perfect in everything he did._

_Only Shisui knew._

_Only Shisui was able to read him._

_Only Shisui was able to win against him._

_Sasuke doesn't do it on purpose. Albeit he is good at analyzing the opponent and coming up with the best strategy, he prefers a straightforward approach and doesn't engage in mind games._

_For him defiance is not an act._

_It's a defense mechanism, to subconsciously compensate the insecurity of growing up in the shadow of a genius, ignored by the father he desperately tried to impress with perfect grades and performances, without ever succeeding because everything he did, Itachi had done it earlier and better._

_It's an expression of the anger he can't direct to Fugaku, for in a shinobi family parents and older siblings are considered superior in rank and opposing them would be an insubordination, an old rule that most clans don't follow anymore, unlike both Hyuuga and Uchiha that still apply it. Thus Sasuke's defiance found its mean of expression in his arrogant attitude, and its targets in everyone else. Even Shisui, even though he's a superior in rank, and an elder in their family, because he is still the one who took Itachi away from him._

_He doesn't know that it's not true and he doesn't know that, unlike him, his cousin knows the truth, just like he knows how to play with him._

_He can read him like an open book, like he could read Itachi._

When it happens, it often starts as a chaotic mess of limbs and strained voices and hands touching everywhere, and ends with Shisui shoving Sasuke down, face on the ground, on his hands and knees, merciless thrusting into him, his fingers digging into his hips, his teeth marking his shoulder and neck, and the more he moves in and out of him the more the boy loses control of his own body, weighed down by the elder's hard, powerful one, mounting him like a beast, groaning in his ears and calling him his bitch, and grabbing his hand before it claws at his taut abdomen or his sides, the only parts he can reach, and fucking him harder and faster and making him scream in twisted pleasure.

Every so often it's the opposite, desire stemming from the artistic display of Sasuke's fragile beauty intricately restrained in an unnatural position that leaves him exposed to his master's twisted whims, thighs shoulder width apart, back arched up, taut chest and stomach vulnerable. Shisui circles him like a beast circles its prey, biting his plump bottom lip to contain the excitement for how the younger's body spasms under the tension, and how he bites his lips too, but it's to contain the discomfort, well knowing that he could stop anytime, but refusing to do so because it would be like losing a competition and his life has been a sequel of that already, and Shisui knows it when he straddles him, Sasuke's breathing getting ragged under his weight, especially when he lifts his leg and reaches the boy's face with his foot, letting him suck his toes  _-Shisui wonders if his erogenous zone is in his toes, amongst other parts, or in his brain, exhilarated by the gesture of submission_ \- until the elder gets off him and plunges inside his tight warm body, feeling like he's digging deeper and deeper with each thrust, feeding off Sasuke's uncontrolled moans and screams and incoherent curses.

When they're over there is sweat glistening over their bodies and bruises of different shapes and colors adorning Sasuke's chest and back, thighs and stomach, throat and arms.

Shisui admires his creation; he painted those reds and purples painted on the boy's pale body, with his knuckles and fingers and fists and teeth and nails, more often than not adding new shapes and colors.

Sasuke hisses and squirms but never pushes him away. In fact, he gives him more access.

_A silent permission to hurt him more. A silent request, even._

They don't talk much about  _their choice_ , as it might bring Itachi in the conversation, and neither of them want that.

Yet sometimes it happens. Sometimes Shisui teases Sasuke.

"You could have anyone but you chose your older cousin and team leader...you're a weird one, kid."

He tells him once, after they stumbled upon the boy's former teammates while they were heading to the training fields, and the elder noticed the way both Naruto and Sakura looked at him, and their heated sparring session turned into a heated fuck on that very ground.

_Why Shisui?_

_Because he is stronger than anyone else. So strong that Itachi chose him._

_Because he is the closest to Itachi. He touched him, he has been touched by him. His body has been inside Itachi's, pounding into it, filling it like it now does to Sasuke's._

"Weird one? Look who's talking...shishou."

Sasuke's snappy retort comes with a meaningful look to his wrists, from which the loose ropes that Shisui used on him are still hanging.

There is more than one jutsu for that but he prefers tightening the coarse material over the boy's wrists until he hisses and glares at him.

It's more intimate, more sensual. More like them.

_Why Sasuke?_

_Because he is the closest to Itachi._

_Even if his skin tone is cool and pale instead of warm and earthy one, even if his hair is wild instead of silky and straight, even if his body is just as slender but his shoulders aren't as broad and his chest and stomach lines aren't as defined -his muscles being more visible when tense- he bears the strongest resemblance with his older brother. They have the same perfectly oval face, high cheekbones and straight thin nose. Even their lips, not too plump nor too thin, are the same._

_Because, at the same time, he is not Itachi._

_Shisui wouldn't do to Itachi the things he does to Sasuke._

_He couldn't._

"And yet you choose  _this_..."

The elder counters, grabbing his arms and squeezing them tight, a reminder of what he just did to him, and warn that he might do again.

The younger smirks, unafraid.

_Inviting._

_Only vaguely knowing what happens between lovers and how different it is from what happens between them, who don't love each other._

_Who love the same person._

_Who lost the same person to a woman that only represents his duty towards the clan and the village._

_Who hate the other for having stolen that person's heart from them._

_Besides, Sasuke is no longer sure about the existence of something called love. What he felt, what he tells himself he doesn't feel anymore, was a delusional fantasy._

_What his brother felt wasn't for him. He loved for the one whom he gave control of his body._

_He would have given Itachi that control. He would have given Itachi everything._

_He already gave him the knife that he plunged in his heart and twisted inside it, to spill out, together with the blood, all his feelings._

"Then I guess I'm lucky that you can take  _it_..."

A hint that he is strong because he can take him and his whims, a well earned praise that the mentor grants the pupil, a little reward that the master bestows on the servant.

The master is not lying.

* * *

Their encounters are tinted with a strange mixture of hate and nostalgic affection, comfort and teasing.

And freedom: they can be themselves in each other's company.

They don't strive to become a better person to deserve their loved one.

_Shisui knows Sasuke's flaws and weaknesses since he was a child. He teased and sneered at them when sparring. When training he taught him how to hone his ability so to overcome or compensate them._

There is no need to constantly show their best side to impress their precious person.

In fact, Shisui is free to unveil a side of him that no one knows, not even Itachi. Absolutely not him.

A dark, wild, untamed side that needs to have complete power over  _the other_ , to fully exert it, even causing pain. Especially doing so.

_A glimpse of that dark side came out in front of Itachi, and everyone else, only once. Under its influence he turned into a bloodthirsty demon, but despite how scary it looked he had a reason: to protect the one he loved more than his own life, and to avenge him from the abuse he endured while he couldn't defend him._

_Love was the best of reasons._

_Love was the reason he never let his dark side come out around Itachi._

_Even though his cousin had never express anything different from admiration and gratitude towards his actions, even though Shisui knew that everyone had an inner darkness, even though he knew exactly his cousin's._

_Itachi's dark side was rooted in his well hidden need to always win, that begot his control issues, especially towards Sasuke. His intentions were the purest though, as he wanted to give his brother safety and the best opportunities, so could it even be considered a dark side?_

_Certainly it wasn't as dark as the forbidden feelings he harbored for his little sibling, and the guilt that came with them._

Sasuke doesn't have a dark side.

He has an unknown side, a part of himself that he never got to explore, for he was always more interested in becoming stronger and deserve his father and brother's love, than in analyzing his deepest self.

He's pure, honest, independent-minded, thus he's neither ashamed nor guilty about his feelings for Itachi. He's a private person who doesn't care about expressing his thoughts; because of this most people fail to understand him.

Unlike them, Shisui understands each and every detail of his cousin's personality, even better than Itachi, or Sasuke himself.

That's why he knows that he can be rough with him.

It's obvious that Sasuke is a masochist.

The elder can tell from his recklessness when fighting. It's not because he's careless or impulsive, on the contrary, he is able to assess the situation and come up with the best solution, no matter how dangerous it is for him.

He can tell because he has always been around. He knows that Sasuke always struggled with his father's neglect and his brother's overwork, thinking that if he improved enough his father would notice him, that if he got strong enough he would be able to work beside his brother, but despite his efforts, Itachi had little time for him, his father was either uninterested or disapproving, and no praise from outside the clan made up for the lack of support in his own house. This led him to devalue his own self, disregarding his own safety as long as he achieved his goal, be it learning a jutsu to the cost of sustaining injuries, or accomplishing a mission without thinking about his own safety.

He can tell that Sasuke never sought pain on purpose, but when he got it, it felt like a punishment he deserved for not being enough.

He can tell that Sasuke knew nothing about this side of himself, although by now he's fully aware of it, so much that he welcomes physical pain as a momentary distraction from the constant despair and self-loathing that plague his heart.

Shisui wonders if Itachi ever noticed it.

_And if he would ever take advantage of it._

_Sasuke would throw himself in the flames it Itachi needed more fire._

If he didn't notice it's probably because Itachi has never been one. Having been a shinobi since a tender age he gave and received too much pain already.

_Shisui knows well that although he never sought physical pain he is familiar with another kind of suffering, the one whose scars are only on the inside._

_His sacrificial nature is not just a sort of psychological masochism._

_For the Uchiha prodigy sacrificing his happiness is not just an atonement for his sinful feelings, and it's not just his expression of love and devotion for Sasuke by arranging the best future for him._

_Controlling the boy is also a subconscious replacement for what he doesn't allow himself to take from him. A substitution mechanism that hasn't stopped with their estrangement, that instead has become another proof of Itachi's controlling nature, for entrusting his brother to someone he chose is just another form of control._

Itachi needs to be in control, always. Only with Shisui he completely loosened up, but that wasn't about pain. It was about trust.

Not that Shisui ever wanted to hurt him. No matter how twisted his deepest fantasies were, it was easy to erase them when his cousin was beside him. Besides, he would have never wanted the other to see him as a weird pervert.

_How ironic that the reason why their relationship ended wasn't his hidden darkness and but Itachi's._

_How ironic that the one who's making his darkest fantasies real is also the one desired by Itachi's hidden darkness._

* * *

According to the rules, Shisui is the one who initiates  _everything_ , from where and when to how fast or rough it can get.

_There are no such things as delicate or slow, that only apply to those who love each other._

Shisui is the one who decides how he'll deal with the aftermath.

Although his healing ability is only a little better compared to the time he helped Sasuke with his injured arms, he  _usually_ heals part of the damage, enough for the young Uchiha to look like he went through his typical tough training.

_Sometimes he heals the boy's wounds mumbling something that vaguely sounds like an apology and that is received with an exhausted scoff because Sasuke can take each and every of his violent delights, but he can't take what to him seems pity, because the elder can't possibly be concerned about him, because no one is, especially not his older cousin and team leader._

_Sometimes there is something about him that reminds him of Itachi. It's just a tiny detail -how_ _his lashes flutter against his cheeks as his lids shut, how his slender fingers curl to clutch the sheets-_ _and it only lasts a moment, but it's enough to feel a burning anger surging inside him, because that kid is not Itachi, because he stole Itachi from him, because he doesn't even notice that whatever Itachi said or did to push him away -he knows something happened or he wouldn't have entrusted Sasuke to him- was an act, and because of an act he's even more broken than Shisui, and so utterly lost that he has no other choice but to seek him out, well knowing his hostility._

_Shisui understands how that feels, but he can't be any different._

_If he doesn't exert his power he might feel something else and that's not what he wants._

Yet when Sasuke comes to him Shisui doesn't refuse him.

Most of the times, when he seeks the elder at the training grounds or comes to his place uninvited, he abides by the rules and doesn't do anything. He just arrives, bringing something that he knows the other needed or asking for specific scrolls and just staying there to read them.

_He just needs to leave his house, where even if he is the youngest member of a special jounin team for his father it's not enough, where his perfect brother addresses him appropriately -as if he never taunted him with a cruelty that the younger would have never imagined- and casually comments his successful missions, as if he never called him worthless, where he has to be just as appropriate and respectful of him, his older brother and superior in rank, but he is not perfect like him and it's hard to not throw all his rage and despair in the other's impassive face._

_Going out is the only solution, but if he met his friends and teammates they would talk and talk and he doesn't want to listen or reply to all of that. He doesn't even want a friend. He just misses his brother, and his childhood, even though everything was a lie, and what he thought was Itachi's love was just duty towards him._

_Shisui is the only one who doesn't talk. Maybe he doesn't even listen when he speaks._

_Sasuke hates him for having stolen Itachi, yet he is the one he seeks._

_He hates himself more anyway, for not having been enough for Itachi, and for not being able to deal with the pain and the loneliness and the rejection all alone, like he always did._

Shisui knows that the boy looks for him when he's upset, which happens when his father belittles him, when Itachi's words, actions, or lack of thereof, are particularly hurtful, or when Itachi and Izumi spend time together.

_The latter doesn't happen often. Itachi has many responsibilities, between assisting Fugaku with clan affairs, observing and assisting Tsunade unofficially and coordinating Anbu, and Izumi has her missions too. It's not strange, in fact it's what etiquette requires, for they'll spend their lives together, once married._

Shisui also knows that he should be there for him, like an older brother, just like he did when Itachi was growing up. Sometimes it  _almost_ works.

_Sasuke often reminds him of the child he used to be, never fussing, perfectly content just to watch him and Itachi._

_Sometimes he sits in a corner and reads a book. Shisui keeps doing his own things, occasionally stealing some glances at his aristocratic profile, his sculpted jawline, his lips pursed in concentration, the long bangs almost hiding his eyes and cheeks, before scolding him lightly for sitting in a too hunched position._

_Sometimes Sasuke doesn't do anything but lay down on the tatami floor. Shisui feels the boy's gaze on his back and understands that he's lonely but he can't say it out loud. There's no need to speak anyway, so he promptly orders to get his lazy ass by the table beside him and help him clean his weapons, and when they're done he takes him out to grab a bite somewhere and commands him to bring his own stuff next time, instead of moping around._

It doesn't always work though, because Shisui is hurt too, because after the end of his relationship with Itachi ignoring the boy was the only thing he could do, and he would have continued if Itachi himself hadn't asked him to take Sasuke under his wing.

Thusly forced to have him around, taking out his anger on him feels better than honoring his promise.  _Even moreso when his little cousin comes to him willingly, and just as willingly lets him get it all out._

There's a certain satisfaction in disobeying; he can understand why Sasuke does it.

Besides, he is keeping his promise to be there for Sasuke, only it's in his own terms and in more that one way, and he's taking something in return.

Something that Sasuke offered first -by pointing a blade at his throat, when he refused.

_It doesn't matter that Sasuke didn't know exactly what he wanted from him back then, that now he doesn't know either, and that he just takes what Shisui gives him._

_Even if it's painful._

_Even moreso when it's painful._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About the Japanese words again, as you may have understood, since Sasuke asked Shisui to "teach" him those naughty things, when Shisui tells him to address him properly he logically and naively thinks of sensei, but Shisui knows better than that and wants to be addressed as "master" as if he owns Sasuke, as a patron to his geisha or even more, which for Sasuke is too much, thus he comes up with shishou, meaning master as well but with a different undertone, a more "professional" one, and a less degrading one for him.  
> I am very proud of this story.  
> Rare pairings are hard to write because the author must come up with a scenario where they get close, but I love worldbuilding and creating scenarios and I love this particular one, because it's a non-massacre with details on society and politics, it takes elements from random ancient/old society with arranged marriages and people having affairs as long as they're not caught, and from canon of course. Most of it all it keeps the emotional charge of the original story, even without a triggering even such as the massacre, only they're shifted to an intimate, personal level. Thus Sasuke's personal drama is not the loss of his family and clan by his brother's (forced) hands, but he still is a tragic character, because he's neglected and constantly compared with Itachi, who's perfect, while even if outside the clan he's considered a prodigy too, it's not enough because the whole clan has Uchiha abilities and more experience and they all agree with Fugaku's judgement. He's also more "closed" towards non-Uchiha people, and more drawn towards his own people who are stronger in his eyes. And he's completely devoted to Itachi, who rarely had time for him anyway, as busy as he has always been. This devotion became something else, something that came out raw and strong, until Itachi rejected him for obvious reasons, breaking his heart and destroying his already dwindling self-esteem.  
> So even though his personal history is not as tragic as in canon, it can't be dismissed because it shapes him deeply and painfully (oh wait. canon dismissed his personal tragedy too actually...). It's also a story about Sasuke's struggle to find a place in the world. It's something that many understand, trying to get a parent to love them but not succeeding, and trying to be worthy of the love of someone they adore.  
> Same goes for Itachi's personal story: even though he was spared from slaughtering his own people to keep Sasuke safe, even though he doesn't have to arrange Sasuke's path, he does it anyway, because he sees steps ahead of anyone else and he knows the risks of this society and how to change it. Paradoxically he becomes more controlling in this AU than in canon, deciding to make Sasuke hate him so that he'll move on being a very extreme decision. Also here he can control him much better. And this is where Shisui comes into play, since he entrusts Sasuke to him. Even in canon Shisui is the only one who sees through Itachi, and I developed this detail in my portrayal of him. I didn't just want a sacrificial hero, that's awesome but boring too. I wanted Shisui to be a well-rounded person, with a dark side. I wanted it since I saw the filler AU with Shisui kind of badly drawn and looking jaded, and Sasuke being thrown on the ground while sparring with him.  
> My Shisui is a hero who loved Itachi so much that he gave him MS by faking his death, an extreme action that is similar to the way Itachi acted with Sasuke. And he loved Itachi so much that he set him free when he understood Itachi's real feelings, even before Itachi (and Sasuke) did. Losing him was painful for him so he became cynical, even though he never let Itachi see that side of him, because he didn't want him to see him as a bad person. Same goes for his dark sexual fantasies.  
> With Sasuke it's different. They have an agreement, they don't love each other, they have a rivality, sort of, even though it's a deeper thing. Through Sasuke Shisui can make his fantasies come true, and he can be as rough as he wants because they're not lovers. And Sasuke learns what he wants to learn from him, and he doesn't mind being treated roughly as he has always never really been treated like a prince from anyone, anyway. As I described there are many undertones and shades into their relationship and their personal reasons, for being sadistic (Shisui) and masochistic (Sasuke) and I love all of them and their weird relationship. That has also sweeter moments, since they have a history of being cousins and happy together.  
> I am aware that rare pairings aren't for everyone, and since they're not for everyone it would make more sense to write a short thing with lots of smut to "get to the point", but I think that the rarer the pairing, the better the scenario must be for it to happen naturally. Which I think I did here.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like in the previous chapter I used some Japanese honorifics. Danna, like every Deidara fan knows, can mean husband but also master, or patron, in case of a geisha. "Shishou" means master, it can be similar to sensei especially in a martial arts context. Taichou is team leader.
> 
> This fic has a lot of scenes with characters wearing yukata/kimono, and drinking alcohol. Guess it happens in a non massacre AU where society is quite formal and there are lots of events to celebrate.
> 
> sorry for eventual typos. I'm sure there are plenty. I revised it over and over but I'm better at revising my overall plan than at spotting details. I'm INTJ for those who know mbti, I spend hours on revising the plot and eventual inconsistencies and connecting everything, but I always miss details.
> 
> Also, it's a sort of inside joke with myself by now, but as usual I adding both my trademarks even in this chapter.

" _With eyes of blood_

_And bitter blue_

_How I feel for you_

_I feel for you" (Soundgarden, Like Suicide)_

* * *

According to the rules only Shisui has the right to decide everything about them, while Sasuke can either obey or leave.

_Leave forever and pretend nothing happened like adult shinobi do all the time._

_They don't think about the future though._

_Just like they try not to remember the past._

Nevertheless, when Sasuke's look is darker and his mouth is shut tight Shisui forces him to voice out his need.

The first time his cousin acts like this is weird and unexpected. Shisui knows that there is something different about him from the moment he shows up at his door without a word, even if he did the same many times already.

When questioned, instead of replying, he takes control of the elder's body, pulling his neck down for a long, frantic kiss. It's Shisui who breaks it, but before he can say something the younger shoves him against the wall, sucking and biting at his throat while his hands travel over his muscled chest, one tracing its ridges and creases, roughly tweaking his nipples, the other brushing his chiseled stomach and settling lower.

It's against the rules but Shisui let him; the boy applied his teachings  _-all of them-_  well.

_Maybe too well, if he managed to catch him off guard._

He needs a reminder of who's in power, thus he grabs him by the wrists and repeats his question. When he receives no answer he warns the boy: this kind of disobedience will end their agreement.

Would he be ready for  _this thing_  to end? Shisui has no time to ask himself because Sasuke's voice finally comes out, strained and low, a stark contrast with his hard gaze.

"Fight me."

_Then fuck me._

The elder loosens his grip.

"As much as I'd like to break your snotty nose again, you're not worth my furniture..."

He can't identify the spark in Sasuke's eyes, after his snarky comeback. He doesn't have the time, as the boy frees himself from his hold and takes his shirt off in a swift movement, throwing it somewhere, never breaking eye contact with him.

"Are you gonna  _do_   _it_  or not, eh?  _Danna..._ "

This isn't the cocky attitude he sports when sparring or fighting: this is different, darker, deeper.

The older Uchiha ignores the reason but he knows that the younger is deliberating provoking him by breaking rules and boundaries, even mocking his authority by addressing him with the excessively reverential honorific.

"Only if you're gonna tell me what you  _really_ want, kid."

Shisui reiterates.

Sasuke is quick in drawing the kunai from its pouch and, like he did that night, pointing it at the elder's throat, forcing him against the wall again.

"Aren't you supposed to be a genius, huh?  _Dan-na_."

Shisui chuckles darkly. The boy knows that he is no match for him, especially with taijutsu only and indoors, and yet he keeps pushing.

_Shisui never held back with him, yet as if it weren't enough Sasuke is pushing him past his limits, defying him on purpose._

"Don't you prefer to come home in one piece? What the hell do you want?"

_As if, by now, he didn't know that his little cousin lacks self preservation. He wonders if he has always been this way, not caring about his safety in order to become stronger and worthy of a perfect brother, and a father who neglected him, or if he changed because of something Itachi did to him._

_He wonders if he has a part in this too._

_Would Shisui feel bad if it had nothing to do with Sasuke asking him to teach him sex, learning the way he likes it, ending up liking it as well?_

Shisui flips their positions so that he is pinning the boy against the wall, holding and squeezing his wrists up above his head and taking the kunai away from him.

"What you said before...say it again."

The boy groans, but Shisui ignores his request. He's more interested in the previous one: hurt me, he said, and hurt is what he'll get, he thinks, sliding the kunai through under his collarbone ever so slowly, leaving a dripping red trail all over.

Eyes half closed, Sasuke holds his breath, as the cut stings more than those he got during real fights, where adrenaline kept him focused on the opponent, noticing the wounds only later. Now, the deliberate slowness of the blade tearing his pale skin makes it impossible to focus on anything else.

_Exactly what he needs._

Shisui makes another gash, this time on his chest, eliciting a pained sigh that reaches his darkest, secret, most feral side.

_The side he can only show this boy. The side that this boy seems to lure out so easily._

_Shisui has tried to keep it under control since Sasuke arrived, acting weird; he tried to figure out what was bothering him, like Itachi would expect, but the future clan leader should know that his little brother isn't exactly a talker._

_Besides, why should he care, when the boy's request is so tempting for both predator, intoxicated by power and the sight of blood, and prey, moaning in pleasure and pain at the same time?_

He lowers his head to have a taste of the blood, but once he starts he wants more, and more, so he licks and bites and sucks, leaving new marks, eliciting hisses and moans, humming against the abused skin as the boy's free hand claws at his skull.

When he straightens his back and locks eyes with the other again, sadistically smirking with blood smeared over his chin and lips, he looks like a demon, or a madman. Or both.

It's fitting for the one whose name is praised and feared in both allies and enemy countries, but whose presence is a source of political embarrassment in the Council, the one who accepted to be tortured by a rival clan to prove his good faith, but who tortured Danzo before killing him and throwing his head at his Anbu's, as a reminder and a threat.

"Just say  _it..._ "

Sasuke insists, bucking his hips forward, his wrist still caught in the grip of the elder who scoffs.

"Mmmh  _what_ now…"

His voice is heavy with lust.

"Why don't you shut the fuck up instead..."

His palm encircle the boy's throat, not applying pressure though.

"Or do I have to make you…"

The handle of the kunai feels cold against his skin, warmed up by the throbbing and the elder's ministrations.

"You know  _what_...you said  _it_  many times."

Sasuke arches his back to get closer to the kunai  _-to feel more of that numbing pain-_ his groin brushing Shisui's thighs.

"You said it many times. You said it even before...Danna."

The elder pushes him back with the hand holding the weapon; in doing so his grip loosens and Sasuke gains control of an arm, before Shisui tightens his hold over his wrist again.

_Sasuke's request is dangerous; it will hurt him more than the kunai._

"...Or you're having more fun pretending you care?"

He hisses, fist aiming at Shisui's face. Shisui blocks it and hits him back with full force.

"You're worthless..."

 _Yet_   _why should he deny such request?_

_Why would he feel bad telling him what he wants to hear?_

_Is it because it's not true?_

Sasuke smirks, blood spilling from his split lip.

Shouldn't he hate being called like that? He certainly does when they spar, Shisui wonders briefly, before the boy tries punching him again, with a better aim and strength.

He tilts his head to deflect it and repeats his previous actions, grabbing Sasuke's fist and shoving it against the wall, this time pinning both arms together, up above his head.

"You're a such worthless kid..."

He reiterates his words with a hard punch to the gut that leaves Sasuke breathless; the position not allowing him to double over, his head hunches forward, gasping for air and leaning against the elder's shoulder.

Shisui grabs him by the hair and forces his head back against the wall.

_Should he worry about him? Should he stop hurting him? Should he wait for him to say something?_

_The part of him what wants to honor his promise wonders still, but his brain reminds him that Sasuke knows the rules, according to which he is the only one who can initiate anything, that once he starts he can't back down, especially not after he has benevolently allowed him to take initiative. His body, his hips, grind against the younger's, whose movements, in synth with his own, confirm his commitment to the rules. And to him._

He keeps pressing him to the hard wall, kissing him hard, with tongue and teeth, while his free hand play with his upper body, teasing and tweaking and punching and cutting, never letting the boy guess what's coming next, as his groin pushes against the other's.

Shisui has to release the grip on Sasuke's wrists to take his shirt off. The boy stays still, leaning against that surface, no intention of moving.

_Did he hurt him too much? Shisui wonders._

_Even though they're no strangers to violence his cousin looks like he's gone through a beating._

"What now, kid? Shall I continue or you can't take it anymore?"

He teases just like he always does when they spar.

_This time it's to check on him, despite his feral side that only wants to ravage the battered boy in front of him._

_Would he be able to stop if Sasuke refused to continue?_

"I don't want to think anymore..."

Sasuke replies, almost a whisper, his look determined, the contrast with his vulnerable position bypassing his rationality and reaching Shisui's dark, feral side once again.

No one ever managed to lure Shisui's feral side out so fast.

* * *

When it's over the room is a mess -pieces of clothing everywhere, splotches of blood on the tatami floor, its rusty smell mixed with sweat and semen lingering in the air- and so are they.

Shisui's curls are sticking to his face and his back is littered with scratches from Sasuke's nails, his knees are scraped for having kneeled down for too long, on the straw flooring.

_Shisui shoved Sasuke face down on the ground and fucked him raw._

_It was the first time that the boy cried out in pain, yet he didn't beg him to stop or to slow down. On the contrary, between broken breaths, he incited him to go faster, deeper._

_He cried out again when the elder changed angle, pleasure finally adding to a pain he wanted so badly._

_They both came cursing, pouring their darkness and their anger out._

_Shisui collapsed on top of him, Sasuke didn't even try to move from under him. He was too tired anyway. Just like every cell of his body, his eyes were heavy too, so much that he just couldn't keep them open._

Sasuke is the biggest mess: his pale, slender body is bruised everywhere, there are finger marks on his upper arms, hips and throat, bites on his neck, thighs and chest, crisscrossed with various cuts. It's no wonder that he is in a sort of stupor when, once free from the elder's chokehold, no longer weighed down by his body, he opens his eyes to the buzzing of his cousin's chakra directed at him.

_He should really learn healing techniques, Shisui always tells himself after a session with his cousin. He never does though, and Sasuke doesn't complain. Replenishing his chakra reserve with more chakra than he can take, so that the excess will superficially heal the worst bruises and wounds, is quite effective, although it's a slow and sloppy practice that interferes with his system and leaves him lightheaded._

_Besides, he suggested this method first, when he still trained under Kakashi, when he still hoped to be acknowledged by his father, to be worthy of his brother._

They shower together, both helping the other wash himself up, both too tired for anything else.

Then Shisui tells him to have rest while he goes out and grabs something to eat.

_Without the specific chakra control that medics have, channeling it that way is tiring for Shisui as well, so he tells himself that he will try again after having eaten, as there are still too many bruises and hickeys and bite marks._

He would have gone for groceries if he hadn't showed up and  _changed his plans_ , he says casually, handing him some spare clothes Sasuke left there.

No one is surprised if he spends the night with his older cousin, team leader and mentor, training or celebrating a successful mission with the team. Fugaku thinks that both Shisui and the rest of the Uchiha special jounin will only benefit his younger son, who didn't experience war, unlike the rest of them.

It's only logical that Sasuke has been forgetting first, then simply leaving spare clothes at his cousin's place, just in case their sparring becomes too heated. Which, in a way, is what happens between them.

_How would Itachi react if he saw Shisui handing clothes to his naked and bruised little brother?_

_How would he react if he saw him using chakra to roughly close the gashes he made on the boy?_

_How would he react if he heard him defile his pure brother with words and actions that Sasuke himself required?_

Don't you dare leave, he threatens, smirking; he must help him cleaning up the house.

Sasuke nods absentmindedly. Even putting his pants on seems too tiring, so he sits on the couch, his head falling backwards, not bothering to continue redressing himself.

* * *

Shisui spots them at the dango shop.

Itachi and Izumi are sitting by a table outside, drinking tea and eating the rice sweets.

Both being dressed casually, they don't look like a couple on a date.

Not that Itachi needs different clothes, his stunning beauty stands out anyway.

She is pretty too, although she would probably not stand out in a crowd. Not for Shisui at least.

_His mind goes to pale skin and blueish black hair and black eyes troubled with anger and sadness, and angles and jutting bones and an exposed bruised throat and a chest marred with blood._

_He pushes the thought back -as that is a dangerous path for both- a little too slowly._

Dango is probably the only thing they have in common: Shisui recognizes the face Itachi makes when he tries hard to appear attentive.

_During clan meetings he made it every time the elders repeated the same things._

_He was so ahead of them. Both were. Back then, they were on the same wavelength._

He also recognizes his shy, sincere smile when the waitress brings them a new flavor.

_He was always a little embarrassed for liking sweets so much. It wasn't becoming for a shinobi, to have the same taste as a child._

_Maybe he liked them so much because he had never been a child, Shisui always thought, making sure to spoil him with dango or some other sweet treat every time he invited him over._

_It's not exactly the same as buying cheap food -anything's fine as long as it's not sweet, both of them agree on that- and booze, so that Sasuke won't pass out from blood loss._

He also understands Sasuke's behavior, now.

* * *

It was Sasuke's day off too; knowing that his parents would make some courtesy visits he planned to sleep through the afternoon, something he couldn't have done if they had been at home, as Fugaku would have wanted him to train or do something productive.

_Curling up in his futon, closing his eyes and sinking into a calming nothingness was his preferred method of coping with his life at home._

_He used to spend time with Itachi when both had free time but those days were gone since, replaced by polite greetings, strained small talk and awkward silences._

_He had been forced to suck his anger at his brother up, when it was still burning, because their father wouldn't have tolerated any lack of respect towards his older brother, his perfect son, who was always better at everything, even at treating him normally, almost like he used to, asking about his missions and training, letting him know things that might be of his interest._

_As if he hadn't broken his heart, saying that in his eyes he was worthless, unlike Shisui._

_He wasn't going to be fooled again, he kept reminding himself every time; his brother was just being polite out of duty, he was just pretending that he cared._

_It was hard, because every conversation, every interaction, seemed a mockery of the old times when he thought that his brother's love was authentic, and he would give everything to receive that love again, but that was wishful thinking, and he had to focus on the present moment and act respectfully as expected from the younger brother of the future clan leader._

_It was sad, because the more he forced himself to forget the brother he missed so badly, to think of him as the future clan leader and the hero who prevented a massacre, the more he admire his strength and genius, the more he missed him because that hero was his older brother, the one who taught him how to swim and how to throw shuriken, the one who let him sleep in his futon after a nightmare, the one who took his side every time their father scolded him for not being enough, the one he first kissed, the one he first loved._

Thus his plan was to rest then, probably, to go see Naruto, who had been nagging him for an former Team 7 reunion since months, although he would have preferred checking the aviary, as he had been offered to train one of the fledglings.

_When Shisui, paying a visit to the aviary, had seen the scruffy fledgling, he had thought of his feisty cousin._

He was looking forward for such opportunity, as his first attempt to train his own hawk had ended abruptly.

It had been killed during a mission, chasing after a rogue shinobi gang whose specialty were chemical weapons, so much that they were able to poison a rabbit without killing it, so that the substance would activate only when eaten.

_Sasuke's hawk was young and inexperienced; it went for what its instinct said it needed and paid with its life._

* * *

When Sasuke woke up he found out that he hadn't slept much.

He also found out that he wasn't alone: Izumi and Itachi were in the garden, he could distinctly hear them talking about one of the many ornamental plants that adorned it. She was saying that her mother was terrible at gardening, but she liked it very much, so she hoped to learn from Mikoto, who apparently had told her to come over whenever she liked.

She was embarrassed for having chosen the wrong day, she added, accepting when Itachi offered her to wait for his parents to come back.

_Sasuke heard her mentioning someone named Shuuto being allergic to the pollen of one of her favourite flowers. She also asked if Itachi considered disrespectful for his memory, if she planted one of those in their future garden, along with his favourite ones._

_Itachi replied that it wasn't, that surely he would want her to be surrounded by things that make her happy. Sasuke, vaguely remembering an Uchiha Shuuto died on a mission, assumed he was in the girl's team or something._

Sasuke took a shower and put on some clothes, no longer feeling like meeting his former team mates but not wanting to stay at home either. As he was heading for the door Izumi, who had moved in the main room with Itachi, greeted him warmly, and he did the same, extending the greeting to his brother, the future clan leader.

She mentioned a seasonal sweet being finally served at the dango shop.

"I was actually hoping to eat them with you," she said, "and Sasuke, if he wants," she added smiling.

When he politely declined she paused before telling them an episode she just remembered.

She had run into little Sasuke and since she had just bought dango she had decided to offer him a stick. He had thanked her and run away with her offering.

"What a weird kid" Shuuto had said, as she was with him. His odd behavior had made them curious so they had decided to train their tracking skills, until they had found him by a training ground, where Itachi and Shisui were sparring.

She had thought it was adorable that despite he didn't like sweets he had decided to bring the gift to his brother who liked them instead.

_Itachi knew why her eyes were shining with love and sadness as she mentioned Shuuto. They were already in love back then, and the little adventure with Sasuke had made them imagine their son._

_Shisui would have understood her true feelings from her tale. He would have also understood that women tend to be indirect when expressing their desires to the one they love, and that newly formed couples don't want a third wheel._

_On the contrary, Sasuke wouldn't have noticed any of this. He would have painfully believed that they were in love, if only Itachi hadn't told him that Izumi was his duty. Just like him._

_That his love was Shisui, compared to whom he was worthless._

_As illogical as it could be, seeing Shisui, of all people, seemed the only thing he could do, once out of the house, the only way to cope with the pain of losing his most precious person, the longing for the wonderful time they had in the past, and the anger for realizing that the memories he cherished meant nothing, and the brother he adored never loved him._

_The pain he felt was unbearable._

_Only more pain could have dulled it, clouding his mind through hurting his body so much that it would have been impossible to think straight._

_Shisui_   _feels the same; even his method of coping through pain is the same, although in his case he is the one who inflicts it._

* * *

The boy becomes addicted to that pain.

_Maybe he became addicted the very moment they started. Maybe he has always been._

He wants Shisui to be rougher, to hurt him more, because when his body hurts he is under the comforting illusion that his heart hurts less.

When Shisui calls him worthless as he fucks him it hurts less -or differently- than when Itachi told him the same words.

The elder is happy to oblige. The boy's requests are exactly what his dark side craves.

He becomes addicted to hurting him.

_Maybe he became addicted the very moment they started. Maybe he has always been._

How could he not be? There's nothing better than hurting his rival, the one he hates.

Even though Shisui doesn't hate Sasuke.

He hates how his existence ruined his relationship with Itachi. He hates the boy's lack of understanding of Itachi's true feelings, that he can read so well instead.

He doesn't hate the boy.

It's not his fault if he exists and his brother kept him in the dark about everything, even his feelings, because he loves him too much.

He feels bad for Sasuke, as he was destined to lose. Were he born in another family he would have been considered a prodigy. Instead, being born after the most brilliant genius their clan ever had, he was considered average.

Shisui admires his willpower, that kept him training and doing his best despite the neglect, the excessive criticism and the lowering self-esteem, a consequence of both.

Sasuke doesn't really hate Shisui either.

He hates his irritating smug attitude.

He hates that Itachi loves him more.

He doesn't hate him. He admires his strength, that earned him a special relationship with his brother.

He admires his willpower, that makes him wake up every morning and lead a team and pleasantly talk to people and do all sorts of things looking like he's fine, instead of hurting all over for having lost Itachi, unlike him.

Even though in order to look like he's fine, Shisui must take his anger out on him.

Not that Sasuke minds; his cousin's desires are the only things that keep him from  _thinking_.

Somehow, together they reach a sort of balance, so twisted and precarious that anything could break it, yet it's real and it's better than being alone, floating adrift in tides of regrets and shattered dreams, drowning in waves of memories and lost hopes.

Together, swimming against the tide seems less hard. Even though they can't see the shore.

Even though there might be no shore at all.

* * *

Itachi's engagement is engraved in both cousins' memories, mostly because of  _what happened_ between them; on the contrary, his marriage is a blurry sequel of events that they go through mechanically, as if their minds were locked somewhere and their bodies were moved by an invisible puppeteer.

_Knowing Itachi it isn't that far fetched, Shisui muses at some point, before returning to his numb state._

There is no excuse for not behaving perfectly, Sasuke knows it well. He is the son of the current clan leader, the brother of the future leader and Hokage.

_Someone mentions that it will be burdensome for Itachi to lead both the clan and the village, so maybe he'll appoint Sasuke to lead the clan once he gets older and experienced, or maybe he'll choose Shisui. Fugaku changes subject; it's not a mystery that he doesn't deem Sasuke suited to become a leader -at his age Itachi was already an Anbu leader who had stopped a coup d'etat and a genocide- and that his alternative candidate, Shisui, doesn't have a good reputation in the Council._

_As usual, Itachi is the best choice. His father will help him until the end of his days, and so will Shisui -everyone is fine with him unofficially being there, as long as he's not the face of the clan- and Sasuke, on whom he doesn't have much faith, although he's important as the mean to bring the Hyuuga clan even closer, through a tactical marriage with their second heiress._

Sasuke's posture is slightly stiff like his clothes, and his appropriate politeness doesn't completely hide how oddly absent he looks, but what really matters is performing the right gestures, bowing at the right angle, saying the right words.

No one cares about him anyway.

Itachi does, but he can't say it. He must focus on playing his role, flawlessly as usual.

It's hard, but it's for Sasuke's good, like everything he did so far.

_He doesn't mind appearing evil if it means giving his brother the best kind of life, in the best kind of world, and that's what he wants, since the tiny hand of the rosy toddler wrapped up in a bundle of cloth grabbed his finger, the first time he saw him._

_He firmly believes that his destiny is to create peace by putting himself in the whirlpool of conflicts, freeing Sasuke from schemes and intrigues, not letting the clan or the village taint him, the pure creature born after the war._

_Even if it means hurting him, breaking his heart and stomping on its pieces._

There's an unwritten rule, according to which the judgment of a married man is more valuable, for they're wiser and better at compromise. Thus, a man is considered a real adult, eligible to be a part of the Council, lead a clan and a village, only after he marries.

_Even though he has fought a war and killed people, and his childhood is long gone, if he ever had one._

For Itachi, getting married is a necessary step to gain the power he needs and start changing the from the inside.

A necessary step so that Sasuke won't become a tool to validate the alliance between the Uchiha and the Hyuuga clans, something that must not happen not only for his brother's future, but also because his vision for the future is different.

Clan mentality must be put aside in favor of an open, inclusive mindset, where everyone is equal, because what matters the most is what they all have in common, their belonging to the Village of the Hidden Leaf, and their differences are what make all of them unique.

Konoha is already more stable than the other shinobi villages, where clan rivalries and conflicts aren't different from those that plagued the Leaf in the days before the attempted coup and its epilogue. This precarious balance reflects in their country's reputation, so each Daimyo encourages peace and a better focus on the nation they swore to defend, and they would surely see diplomacy as a better solution than a war whose result can't be known in advance, whose only certainty is its high cost, of both money and lives.

Itachi's vision can be achieved if he works hard. Luckily Izumi shares the same vision, that she fully committed to support, in honor of the man she loved and lost too soon. As it's customary, she'll retire from her shinobi career but she won't just manage the household. She'll devote herself to the art of diplomacy, to help her husband once he'll he Hokage.

She'll practice it everyday, chatting with the clan ladies and everyone else, subtly and kindly showing people the change Itachi -and Shuuto- have in mind.

Arranged marriages are never about feelings but some women demand a certain amount of romance anyway, if only to have a taste of it. It's comforting, for Itachi, that Izumi's heart belongs to someone else, just like his own.

Only his vision matters.

_It's his way to tell Sasuke how much he loves him._

_It's his way of cleanse his sinful love for his pure brother._

So no matter how absent his little brother looks, no matter how badly Itachi wants to hug him tight like he did before his feelings almost tainted him, and whisper in his ear how much he'll miss him from that moment on, and how much he would like to spend more time -maybe his whole life- with him, Itachi doesn't let any of his emotions show.

* * *

The ceremony ends with a feast. Shisui sits beside Sasuke, as he is almost part of the family, being Itachi's best friend and mentor, almost an older brother.

He, too, is appropriately dressed and polite, his demeanor, usually amiable, is composed and his look is slightly absent.

Both cousins eat and drink in moderation, so not to risk to do something embarrassing, or even remotely close to what happened at the engagement party, or during that long mission.

_Besides, they are past that point._

_Sasuke's bruises under the clothes and his stiff posture are a proof of that._

Both cousins feel numb, lightheaded, disoriented.

More than angry or sad they feel lost.

Shisui considered himself ready for a day that he had always known would eventually come, as both he and Itachi knew that marriage was not only considered a part of a shinobi's duty, but also a contract, a treaty, a pledge of allegiance. That's why extramarital relationships were common and society didn't care, as long as they were kept private, and most of it all as long as the clan and the village were provided with offspring to employ in the future.

They even used to joke about it, now he doesn't find it funny anymore.

He was never really jealous of Izumi and even now he's not jealous at all.

The numbness, the dull pain he feels is because Itachi's marriage marks the end of an era. The end of soft laughter by the river, of caresses and touches and open talks, the end of curiousity and explorations of ideas and actions and each other's bodies. The end of their rediscovered innocence and feverishly intense lovemaking after the thwarted massacre, when everything seemed possible and no obstacle seemed too hard to climb.

_Shisui already ended that era when he could no longer ignore the feelings he read on Itachi's face, both for him and for his brother, when he became painfully aware that such era probably never existed outside Shisui's own mind and heart and soul. He never realized, until now, that a part of him was still clinging to it, like a powerful empire whose downfall is never caused by one event only, and there are many signs that it's ending, yet its people cling to its ideal greatness even after their country is in shambles._

"Wanna come over?"

He asks Sasuke, or rather, his lips move on their own.

Deeply lost in his own musings, he didn't pay attention to the boy walking beside him, until he's about to head home.

When his unfocused gaze takes in Sasuke's eyes though -wide open, like a lost child- he can't ignore him any longer.

_For Sasuke it isn't the end of an era, it's the end of his whole life._

_Of his whole universe, where his existence took place since he was born, where Itachi lived in the next room, where every time he came home after a mission, even when sleeping a part of him could hear the elder's door sliding open and his light steps, where they ate together and discussed the day, where they would spar in the training grounds, watch the sunset and come back at dusk, where Itachi would side with him respectfully yet firmly shifting their father's criticism into a new and positive perspective._

_Itachi himself ended that universe, long before his marriage, like a black hole sucking in its darkness each and every certainty Sasuke had, leaving him broken and desperately, frantically in need to get stronger, as if strength could make him worthy of having it back._

_Well knowing that it's impossible, as there's no escape from a black hole._

Sasuke nods without a single word.

"Better snatch some booze then."

Shisui casually commands, his hand on the boy's shoulder to guide him back to the party, a part of him hoping that they will get caught stealing alcohol so they'll have something to laugh about this day in the future, the rest of him knowing that nothing about it will ever make them laugh.

They sit in Shisui's apartment, drinking, talking about what they're drinking or not speaking at all.

As effective as always, Sasuke snagged the first full unopened bottle he found; Shisui got his hands on a full, unopened, pricey bottle of sake, all the while greeting a bunch of influential clan members, a masterstroke indeed.

He brags about his undertaking as he puts two traditional small cups on the low table, a better choice for the expensive drink, unlike the bigger glasses they were using so far.

Shisui gestures Sasuke to pour it for him as it's customary. The younger complies.

_Being the youngest of the team he has done it countless times already, and he has done the same during the feast. He even poured it for his father and mother, for Izumi and Itachi._

_His hands were slightly shaking when he filled his brother's cup, but he didn't spill the liquid._

_He was stronger than that, he told himself, feeling the elder's eyes on him -mistaking his longing for scrutiny, his carefully concealed love for polite indifference._

When he moves a strand of hair back before pouring it again, lifting the sleeve of his traditional dress, Shisui is reminded of a maiko, not as experienced and flawless as a geisha, but whose quirks and imperfections are unique even endearing.

_Behind his submissive gestures there is always a sparkle of nonchalance, of defiance even, against him, the one Itachi loved once._

_Shisui likes that. It makes his past relationship with Itachi more intense somehow, and the exchanges with the boy more interesting._

_It gives him more occasions to submit him further. He is his mentor -and master- after all, he can't tolerate any lack of respect._

"Careful kid, old man Keiji said that this is aged sake...the Daimyo himself in person sent a case of them."

He admonishes him when Sasuke spills some of it.

"Hn...Did he? It's nothing special anyway," the boy retorts, unfazed, as the other refills his cup.

"Hmmm...Can't say you're wrong but still," Shisui continues, taking another sip, "I don't want it to leave stains."

Unlike normal sake, this has a smoky flavor, a creamier texture and its color is a reddish dark brown.

_If he weren't feeling so numb he would have found arousing how Sasuke had spilled a few drops of liquor on the side of his lips, thus he looked like he had been hit there._

If it were to stain the table it would look like dried blood, which it would be weird, since Sasuke's blood spilled on it already.

The look they give each other doesn't lie, both remember that episode well.

_After all the both of them fixed the table and cleaned it up, after._

_Shisui had tied Sasuke's hands to one of its legs and his stretched out limbs to the others, his kunai had traced red patterns on his cousin's exposed chest and stomach, before he had buried his length inside him, pounding him so furiously that one of the table legs had broken. Sasuke's head, already hanging off it, had hit the ground; the elder had heard him curse, but then moan, when he had experimentally moved again -it would have been boring if the boy had stopped arching his back and making sounds because he was passed out- with his finger digging into his hips, to keep him steady._

They decide to get back to drinking from the first bottle, their yukata loosened up, their sleeves and upper part hanging off from their waist belts.

"Now they're probably…"

Sasuke suddenly says.

"...Consummating their marriage. what a stupid expression."

Shisui is about to say that maybe they say it that way because marriage consumes people, but thinking about it again, it's not true.

Love consumes people. Love destroys people. Marriage is a contract that has nothing to do with love.

His mind goes back to the day he spotted them at the dango shop. Neither of them seemed in love with the other but they were comfortable enough, like old friends. It was more than enough.

Besides, Uchiha Itachi is a prodigy. He'll do his duty as expected of the future clan leader and Hokage, Shisui thinks, raising his glass.

"Let's drink to that..."

He says, not bothering to hide the bitter irony.

_Their drink tastes even more bitter._

* * *

They  _consummate_  their unlikely union too.

Unusually, there's nothing rough or violent or passionate in their actions, that are instead numb, apathetic, just like them.

They undress each other slowly; Shisui lays Sasuke on the futon, his fingers ghosting over his lithe body, the other's fingers ghosting over his muscled one. He moves just as slowly inside him, the younger's fingers tangled in his curls.

_Shisui isn't fucking Sasuke: he is looking beyond his cool toned skin, black hair and taut body, searching for fair warm tones, dark brown hair and a slender yet chiseled body._

_If he were fucking Sasuke he would ram into him hard and fast, or slow and deep. He would stretch and bend his lean pliant body, arching beneath him._

He moves even slower when his hands curl around Sasuke's pale throat, his grip getting tighter and tighter, until the boy's hands stop clasping his wrists and fall back, forceless, as he falls into unconsciousness.

_Shisui isn't harming Sasuke: he is trying to make Itachi notice him. He is punishing Itachi for not loving him._

_If he were choking Sasuke, like he did oh so many times, he would smirk and tease him and challenge him to how long he can last under his grip, yet but he would check his pulse and make sure he wouldn't pass out. It's not amusing if he does, as there's no fun in submitting a lifeless doll._

Worry and guilt crash on Shisui like waves, one after the other, once he sees that there's no Itachi beneath him,  _only_ his brother, broken and desperate  _just like him_.

_Sasuke wasn't being fucked by Shisui. He was looking beyond the older's appearance, trying to find straight hair flowing down and tickling his skin, as Itachi was taking him for the first time, and when his throat was constricted and his lungs burned for the lack of air and everything was going black he imagined that his brother was enjoying it so how could he stop him? Besides even if he tried he wouldn't have succeeded because Itachi was the strongest and he wasn't worthy of him, and probably that was the reason why he was so silent and detached and his grip was so tight. So unlike…_

_But then, a dull nothingness sucked him and his broken musings in, like a black hole._

Sasuke regains consciousness quite soon.

"Sasuke I...didn't know what I was thinking..."

Shisui says, worry still in his voice.

"Maybe you did."

The younger replies, propping himself up on his elbows.

_There's no resentment or disapproval in his face. Somehow, for the elder it stings even more._

_Maybe it's because he imagines his brother's resentment if he knew what he did._

_Or maybe it's because when he defined the terms of their agreement he had just saved the boy from jumping off a cliff, yet now he almost pushed him there again, in a way that had nothing to do with the pain and pleasure that both seek in order not to drown in a dark pit of loss and despair that would swallow them forever._

"You know I don't want you to pass out, kid...it takes away all the fun. It...really did."

He adds, eloquently looking down at his flaccid cock, hinting at how he never finished what he started.

_Trying to bring the subject on a lighter tone, because Sasuke can't possibly think that he wanted to kill him. Or that Itachi wanted, assuming that he was imagining him just like Shisui had._

_Most of it all he can't possibly have done nothing to defend himself._

Sasuke shrugs his shoulders.

They stay silent for a while, pervaded by an uncomfortable feeling.

It never happened, for them, to not be focused on the other. Now that it happened it feels like cheating.

_They shouldn't even care. They aren't in a relationship anyway._

_Nevertheless they have an agreement, whose rules are clear. Should they get themselves a boyfriend or girlfriend, should they feel that there is nothing to teach or learn anymore, or should they get tired of the other, they must notify it immediately._

_Rules are important, for they are cousins and team mates, and they are a mentor and his pupil._

_And more._

Somehow they understand what the other is thinking, maybe because of their observational skills, maybe because the idea that the other did what they did too makes them feel less guilty, as if their actions were a consequence of the others'.

_Or as if they were under a curse._

Either way it feels weird, unnatural, hypocritical, so unlike them.

Shisui likes to submit Sasuke and Sasuke needs to feel Shisui's strength and submit to it.

They aren't cowards who use the other as a screen to project another.

_No matter how smart and beautiful and amazingly perfect he is._

_Sasuke didn't even masturbate to his thought, so not to disrespect the idea of him, and Shisui didn't either, so not to have further occasions to remember their past._

The elder hands him a glass of water. Sasuke sips it slowly.

"They would have tortured then killed me," He blurts out, "Your brother and father. I'm not even sure if they would have used katon or just weapons. You know, like stabbing me over and over."

The first thing that comes to the boy's mind is Itachi's cold look when he told him that he was just doing his duty with him, but in truth he was worthless in his eyes; then, a few of the many times his father was either disappointed or uninterested in his results. He knows that Shisui is being playful but he's also right: they'd be furious. Only, not for his loss. Such incident would be bad for the clan's reputation and for Itachi's.

"Like you did to Danzo?"

The boy asks, trying to shift his focus to something else, while he gets under the sheets, not caring about his naked form.

It's not the first time he sleeps in the elder's futon more or less uninvited; Shisui doesn't complain because most of the times it's thanks to him that he's so tired and battered because of him -from both kinds of training- that he just needs to rest.

This time, because of the question he just asked, he reminds Shisui of his child self.

"Sort of, yes," He replies, getting into the futon just as naked, "Only more evil and less crazy looking."

Shisui is used to joke about that, although only with the closest ones.

Everyone else knows better than to provoke Shisui the Teleporter, who prevented the Uchiha massacre with Itachi, who killed Danzo and threw his head at his Anbu's feet.

They lie on their side, not complaining about the little space -no one wants to get up and take the spare futon- but not getting closer either.

"Asao was right...shishou."

Sasuke lets out, with a sleepy voice. Shisui isn't even sure if he's awake or not, but he knows what he's referring to.

_The team was celebrating their latest mission's success in the usual bar when Shisui was approached by an old acquaintance, a kunoichi he had once spent the night with, after the end of his relationship with Itachi. She was tall, quite androgynous, with long, dark hair kept in a low ponytail; it was obvious why he had accepted her advances, even though her boldness couldn't have been more different from his cousin's reserved attitude._

_When she saw him again she had no qualms about checking if he changed his mind since the last time. He was just as clear, she sure had a lot to offer but sorry, she wasn't his type. Beside, he added, he had an underage cousin to bring back home._

_Don't say a word and follow my lead kid, he whispered in Sasuke's ear, before taking him by the arm and getting up, ready to head out._

" _So is he your type?" She asked, already scanning the table with his remaining teammates._

" _Who knows?" He replied, dragging Sasuke outside._

_You can speak now, kiddo, he said once they reached a certain distance from the bar, when he loosened the grip on his arm._

_Or maybe you can't, he added as he fucked him from behind in a dark alleyway, one hand on his mouth, the other on his hip._

_The day after, he was welcomed to a team briefing by Asao, the one who got lucky with her, saying: "Taichou, did you lose your balls or what?"_

_Everyone laughed out loudly, even moreso when Naoru added that maybe Sasuke knew where he had left them. The boy reacted with a "bite me"; bad choice, as Naoru again retorted that Shisui would get jealous if he did._

_Neither got offended about that. They were used to that sort of banter by now._

"Says the one who fainted beneath me…"

Shisui promptly retorts.

"Maybe I fell asleep out of boredom."

His snarky reply proves that despite his drowsy voice he's awake, even though he has too much alcohol and too little oxygen in his body.

"Kid, that is what sex is like for other people."

_Do people think of another during sex? Probably they do, especially in arranged marriages._

He can tell the faint sound of Sasuke snorting, a part of him not really convinced that sex isn't a challenge or a proof of their strength, like sparring.

_Or a way to not fall into a black hole of desperation._

"I told you, back then...I like it rough."

Shisui encircles Sasuke's waist with his arm and closes the space between them by pulling him backwards, towards him. Sasuke lets him.

_He accepts everything coming from him; it's not just their agreement. It's his nature. He respects and admires strength, he loves to learn, and he is starved of some semblance of affection._

"You're lucky that I can take it."

Sasuke quotes his words, as he leans against his bigger body.

Together, swimming against the tide seems less hard. Even though they can't see the shore.

Even though there might be no shore at all.

Even though there's a black hole all around them.

* * *

" _Desperately in need of some stranger's hand_

_In a desperate land" (The Doors, The End)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's not much to say that I haven't said already, about Sasuke's low self esteem and masochistic side and Shisui's sadistic one. Here they are even more extreme. Yet this is probably the closest to fluff I'm capable of writing. I liked writing Itachi and Izumi at the dango shop, I don't ship them but I like the idea of them eating together. I kinda like the bittersweet way their relationship is going. It's the opposite of Shisui and Sasuke's, so dark and passionate, because theirs is calm and bittersweet. Both are sincere towards the other though.  
> I loved writing the end of the chapter. Actually I love writing Shisui and Sasuke's exchanges so much because Sasuke is sassy and snarky and Shisui has that coolness and self confidence and a playful side that he showed with Itachi a lot. In the non massacre filler AU in the anime Shisui was sort of jaded Shisui, different from the one who motivated Itachi. Those episodes were crappy, but I'll never stop being grateful for having put Sasuke and Shisui together for 3 years. Although maybe it was a curse for me, because no one cares about them. This rarepair is my own creation and there's no fanart and only one fanfic for them, abut there is weirdest stuff around. Shisui and Sasuke have potential, in a non massacre AU. Even though Itachi's presence is too strong...
> 
> Shisui not being able to heal properly but doing that thing I described with his chakra is my idea of course, I suck at remembering canon details of jutsu and similar stuff so I came up with that. I didn't want Shisui to also know how to do medic things, but he definitely needs to know how to tend to Sasuke after their sessions, and have some marks and wounds disappear. I'm not knowledgeable in bdsm technicalities and this story isn't about it anyway, as there are no safewords or anything, but I like the idea of the dom tending after the sub. It's very fitting with their twisted sort of relationship, that I love really much.  
> About Shisui's characterization: I was recently told that in the Shinden book, Shisui confesses to Itachi he got his mangekyou sharingan because, during a dangerous mission, he didn't help his former best friend and rival, someone he had always been jealous of. Only meeting Itachi sort of purified him. I found this very interesting, because it gives Shisui a new depth. He's always seen as the flawless positive hero and martyr, but with this he gains a dark side that he overcame with his love for Itachi.  
> I didn't need canon proof since I devised the context in a way that made sense, under the pretext that those who died are considered heroes, but if they live they can succumb to negative passions and low impulses. But, since I was told about this, I feel incredibly validated, since he had a dark, jealous side that he shut down to be worthy of Itachi, so to speak, and that he used for his reckless and very creative plan of faking his death with all the consequences on Itachi's psyche, and that he reverted to after the end of their relationship, and the beginning of the "relationship" with Sasuke.
> 
> It was weird to write the moment where they "cheat" on the other, because even though both love Itachi, even though both are reminded of the other so so often, every time they did their kinky dark things they were completely focused on the other.  
> In this AU Itachi is so focused on his ambitious goal, that he pushed aside the one he loves the most, precisely because he loves him. It's complex, and twisted, like the logic of a genius such as he is.  
> I described his motivations in detail so there's no need to explain his reasoning further. In this fic I wanted to explore his dark side, that even though he didn't have to kill the whole clan still exists and expresses itself in a different way, only apparently less dark, but just as destructive for Sasuke's self esteem. And Shisui's feelings.  
> The context is different, the tragedy here is more intimate and personal, but it's just as tragic and sad.  
> I quoted the Shinden book, that says (in a translation from shilpv on tumblr): he doesn't mind being the owner to an evil countenance. If it was Itachi's destiny to call out chaos, he will use it to his heart's contents. He will draw in all conflicts and calamities in this world, and also human's hatred. With putting his own self in the whirlpool of conflicts, he believes his dream will come true. I thought it was very fitting for my writing as well.  
> In this AU etiquette is very important, even moreso for an Uchiha, so it's not surprising that Sasuke keeps his emotions towards Itachi well in check, as Fugaku would never allow him to have an outburst or disrespect his favourite son.  
> The song I quoted in the end, I also quoted it ("the end of laughter and soft lies") for Shisui's musings about the end of his era with Itachi.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beginning notes are always random because I'd put everything in the end if there was no character limit.
> 
> Like in the previous chapter I used the honorific Danna, that, like every Deidara fan knows, can mean husband but also master, or patron, in case of a geisha.
> 
> I had to go back to the previous chapters because I completely forgot Shisui and Sasuke's teammates' names. Do I remember them now? Nope.
> 
> In this setting Sasuke and Naruto have been in Team 7 but they're less close because Naruto has Kushina, Jiraiya, Tsunade, he's not obsessed with Sasuke, who's got his whole clan so he's more drawn to them.
> 
> I briefly and loosely referenced Itachi Shinden for Shisui's past and how he obtained mangekyou.
> 
> I haven't specified their ages, only vaguely hinted at them. Anyway Sasuke is 16 or 17, looking like in part 2, but dressed like the non massacre arc, or better, dressed like in emi10/Rankai's or Maco's doujinshi.
> 
> Take breaks and some tea, as usual this chapter is long and full of digressions, "zooming" from the dialogue/action into their thoughts, memories and feelings. It's my writing style, I like to follow the characters' stream of consciousness, which also includes long flashbacks. But there is also smut so~
> 
> "Love burn lives and makes time fly" is a quote from an Italian poem.
> 
> On a different note, I received a few disturbing reviews for my other fics, from downright insulting to compliments turning into passive-aggressive criticism of my portrayal, so I think I should remind readers that if you don't like my portrayal or opinion or dynamics or whatever, pointing that out won't make me change my mind, or rewrite the thing to your liking, no matter how wrong it is to you, since it's pretty clear that I write what I want and I provide motivations about it. I suggest to those people to do what I used to do when I found a fic I disagreed with: stop reading and start writing your own story. And, may I add, hope to never be bothered by people like you~

> " _We used to play outside when we were young  
>  __And full of life and full of love" (Of Monsters And Men, Little Things)_

 

Sasuke's generation is considered the luckiest ever existed, since they've only known peace. Even the biggest incident they can remember was nothing like an actual conflict.

It happened during the chuunin exams: Orochimaru, once the Third's pupil then one of the three legendary sannin, ended up as a rogue scientist involved in various crimes, killed the Kazekage to steal his identity and sent the victim's sons to Konoha for the exams. His plan was to take advantage of the confusion and attack the village, and he would have succeeded if it weren't for the close cooperation between the Uchiha Police Force and other clans, especially Hyuuga and Yamanaka, monitoring everything and everyone, from their chakra to their thoughts, perfectly coordinated as if they were a single team whose mission was to eliminate the threats before they could strike.

_Despite the tension for the impending danger, seeing everyone working so well together gave Itachi hope for the future. Shisui had been sent on a mission, because of his reputation as a loose cannon who faked his death for months and tortured and maimed Danzo instead of bringing him to justice or executing him quickly, as becoming for a shinobi._

_He hoped that his cousin could witness the clans' cooperation, for they shared the same ideals._

_Back then they used to be lovers too, although Shisui had already noticed little things, like the way Itachi looked at him, and the way Itachi looked at Sasuke._

_Back then he was pretending not to understand._

In the meantime onlookers and young shinobi were kept in the dark, that lasted from the preliminary written test, to the survival one in the Forest of Death, until the long awaited one-on-one matches.

Sasuke passed the exams and became a chuunin, just like Shikamaru, Kiba, Chouji and many others, as his father pointed out, unsatisfied with the boy's results, since he had defeated Yoroi only after a strenuous battle, and he had lost against Gaara.

To Fugaku it didn't matter that Gaara was a jinchuuriki, and that he was completely insane. The only thing that mattered was that Itachi had passed with flying colours, unlike Sasuke.

_Gaara wasn't just insane: he was sadistic and full of rage, so much that he was considered another possible threat. In fact he would have killed many if not for Naruto._

_It was Itachi's idea to have him tailed and monitored by Uzumaki Kushina, an expert in bijuu control, former jinchuuriki herself and mother of one._

_She prevented him from acting violently outside the exam, while her son Naruto connected with him on an emotional level, being both vessels for a monster._

_Thus it was Sasuke who took the brunt of his pent up frustration. His newly learned chidori was powerful but still raw, and his sharingan and katon weren't enough against Gaara's sand defense, seemingly endless chakra and vicious taste for hurting others._

Sasuke was glad that his father, too busy coordinating the Police and communicating with Hiashi Hyuuga and Inoichi Yamanaka, and his brother, patrolling the village, hadn't seen him losing.

He didn't imagine that Itachi was there, suffering at each blow he received and rejoicing for each one he landed, until the match ended and his brother offered to tend after his wounds, reassuring him, knowing how dejected he felt. He did good, he told him, praising his choice of attacks, minimizing his mistakes, and later defending him against his father.

When Fugaku chided him for not having honored the Uchiha clan with his performance, Itachi pointed out that he did honor them, that chuunin exams weren't just about winning, but about standing out and Sasuke did stand out, being almost on par with that monster, so much that the all public was rooting for him.

His head hung low, the boy listened to the lecture without a word, apologizing when it was over, hating himself for not having been good enough once again.

_A part of him was happy because not only his brother had defended him, but when the scolding ended he followed him in his room with new bandages and salve, and hugged him tight after he was done._

He also hated himself for not having been as good as Naruto, as his father remarked that despite the Uzumaki boy's results had always been lower than his, he surprised everyone, both for the successful matches and because his help had been crucial to change Gaara's perspective on life and people and himself, until he decided to redeem himself and gain everyone's trust.

Fugaku wasn't interested in personal facts but this was a matter of security and a success for Konoha, that not only handled the crisis in the smoothest way, but also benevolently pardoned both Gaara for his violent behaviour, and Sunagakure for having followed Orochimaru, acknowledged as the sole culprit.

_It was Itachi's suggestion to convince the other clans to have a strong yet magnanimous attitude, to show that they didn't fear them because they were ready to fight -and win- anytime._

The Sand had a lot to reorganize, but before acting internally, they signed a peace treaty with the Leaf and solemnly promised to never break their new alliance.

Years later the chuunin exams are held in Suna.

As always it's a big event, and a pretext for diplomatic relationships and meetings.

Tsunade arrives with a delegation consisting of the main clans' representatives. After her, Itachi is the most important person, both as her advisor, replacing Shikaku Nara during the trip, and as future Hokage. Although the Uzumaki clan is currently made of just two, Kushina and Naruto are invited. They are escorted by Jiraiya, who years before had offered to mentor Minato's son, but his mother refused as she didn't want her child and only remainder of her late husband, to be away for years, travelling with the sannin. She only allowed Naruto to become his disciple, under the condition that they stayed in Konoha, when his genin team disbanded, Sakura wanting to learn from Tsunade and Sasuke joining Shisui's team.

Gaara is no longer a bloodthirsty monster: he completely redeemed himself, gaining everyone's trust so much that he was recently appointed Kazekage, something that would have never happened if he hadn't met Naruto. He's so grateful that after the exams, when guests returns to their villages, he invites the one he considers his first friend to stay a little more, together with his mother, and Itachi, not much older than him so expand yet so experienced already, and with such an original and inspiring worldview.

_Izumi is invited to stay as well. Tsunade included her not wanting to separate a newlywed couple, and even though she's not competent or knowledgeable about politics, economics or history she's willing to learn everything she can, to help Itachi make his dream -and Shuuto's- come true._

* * *

Shisui's team too spends a long time away from Konoha, investigating on a case of disappearances and murders by human traffickers, one of them rumoured to be a serial killer who killed many young women and men. He is also rumoured to have unknown powers; some claim he's affiliated with Orochimaru, others that he's Orochimaru himself, because he experiments on his victims.

To shed some light on this murky situation and most of it all to verify if the sannin is behind it, the Leaf sends its best special jounins at the country border. They move from town to town, visiting taverns, inns and brothels, infiltrating as customers and workers.

Sasuke is young and attractive, hence he's the best choice to disguise as a prostitute.

" _You're pale and slender, you look vulnerable," Shisui says when they are alone, after the briefing, "Even though you act like a defiant brat."_

_He lifts his chin up, as Sasuke's head is slightly tilted downwards, his eyes looking up to him -a proper slave shouldn't make eye contact with his master but Shisui liked it better this way, as he had a reason to punish him._

" _Even more so...you make people want to break you."_

_He adds, tracing his jaw and long neck with his fingers, not sure if he is referring to others or to himself._

" _I'm not vulnerable!" Sasuke lashes out, cornering the elder against the wooden dresser of the shabby room they're occupying -nothing strange, everyone in the team shares a double room. Besides, they've been teasing them since Sasuke joined the team._

" _Oh you are, kid…"_

_Shisui flips them so that the other's face is pressed against the chipped wood, and twists his arm behind his back._

" _Can't you see how vulnerable you are?"_

_He whispers hoarsely as he licks Sasuke's earlobe. The boy squirms, trying to break free and prove him wrong, but Shisui's groin, grinding against his ass, gives him no other choice but to surrender._

" _Can't you feel how vulnerable you are?"_

_A low moan escapes Sasuke's lips as he grinds back._

" _Didn't you say that your...taste...was different from other people's?"_

_He asks between moans, while the elder unceremoniously strips him of his clothes, chuckling at the odd timing of his question, that reminds him of the times he was just a child, over excited to spend some time with him and his brother._

" _Can't wait to try out new people?"_

_He twists his arm again and he bites his shoulder, not sure if it's to punish him or to mark him as his own, even though he never thought of him that way. At least not consciously._

" _Idiot..."_

_Sasuke hisses, earning a real punishment for having disrespected his master, who shoves him on the futon, silently commanding him to stay still as he takes off his clothes._

" _Many like to break what's beautiful and vulnerable, kid...but you wouldn't like their ways. Or them. You wouldn't like to be broken by a coward who pays to dominate someone and pretend he's strong."_

_Shisui's voice is low. He's right, Sasuke would never like anything coming from a weak partner._

" _I know, because I wouldn't like that either. Besides, vulnerable doesn't mean weak..."_

_He looms over Sasuke's naked exposed body, his balance impeccable as his foot traces his hips and lower abdomen, idly brushing his cock._

" _And you aren't weak, kid. You can take me..."_

_He lowers slowly, smirking like a predator, spreading the boy's legs and entering him just as slowly, and painfully, and Sasuke bites his lip and clutches the sheet and looks away, groaning, but then he forces himself to stare back, because his cousin said that he's not weak because he can take him, and he can't prove him wrong._

Sasuke has no qualms accepting his role, as the youngest of the group it's only logical to be the bait.  _Unlike his teammates he doesn't make it a question of attractiveness._

_To him the word attractive has no meaning when it's not tied to strength. Thus he, not strong enough -not worthy enough- may be young and have harmonious features but he wouldn't find himself attractive, unlike Itachi, the epitome of perfection, or Shisui, who's stronger and faster and feared by enemies and loved by his brother, even though they're no longer together._

_What would he do if they were? He thought. He would be weaker and ignorant, as his cousin wouldn't have taught him how to better fight, or fuck, and he wouldn't practice with him either._

_He would be completely alone if he couldn't seek him out._

_He would have had his former teammates but they would have been useless, for they weren't as strong as he needed, for they were no Uchiha._

_Would he have sought another to learn the same things? Would he have found another with the same inclination towards violence, to replace his intangible suffering with tangible pain?_

_Would he have felt the same mixture of anger, whenever another looked down on him, and admiration for his superior strength that made him accomplish so much?_

_Would he have found the same twisted comfort in the arms -holding him tight, or keeping him still- of another who hadn't been a part of his life since he could remember?_

According to the plan Sasuke lures clients in rooms and alleyways, putting under genjutsu the regular perverts, for whom it's not unusual to be drugged and robbed by a hooker, while if their request are weird, after his genjutsu the suspect is interrogated again, this time using mangekyou sharingan.

Everyone bursts out laughing when, after having accepted the task without blinking, he asks what's a weird request and what's a regular one.

"Boss! Shouldn't he be knowledgeable in this field?"

Naoru says between snorts.

"Yeah right boss? Isn't he your thing?"

Hiro adds, deftly avoiding the blast of shuriken thrown by Sasuke, while Shisui shrugs his shoulders because he had it coming.

"Nah, I told you, the Captain didn't teach his  _little sister_  naughty stuff!"

Asao chimes in, laughing.

Shisui interrupts, calling them a bunch of idiots while a faint blue light and a telltale crackling sound announce Sasuke's next move if they don't stop. It's just a scene, he knows that there's no ill intent behind their jokes, besides he's used to them by now.

They continue the briefing over a generous amount of sake, listing what's usually asked to a prostitute, commenting each of them, making fun of everyone's kinks and taboos, and warning of what should alarm him.

_Later, in their room, Shisui explains him even more thoroughly._

_After he takes Sasuke they lie on the futon, where he adds details to what their teammates said, the younger nodding, sometimes making a disgusted face, sometimes widening his eyes._

_The elder marvels that the boy has still such a pure, childlike mind about sex, despite everything he did to him since he approached him to learn what he ignored, then to obtain something similar to comfort and closeness._

_He got both, even though stained with blood. He didn't have prior experience to judge him anyway, and he welcomed violence since the start. He still does, and Shisui is more than willing to give it to him. He is also willing to explain things to him, even to comfort him, in his own way, he realizes, finding himself on top of him, finding the other's fingers lightly brushing his muscular arm._

_He goes on with his explanation, propping himself on one elbow as the other hand is intertwined with Sasuke's, up above his head, idly pressing him against the bed, his hips rocking against him, soon mirrored by the boy's matching movements._

_He realizes that he loves that sensation, of having that lithe body beneath him, his taut muscles twitching against his chiseled ones, and he loves to admire the marks he made on his pale body, to trace them with his fingers and lips and tongue, like he does when he's done talking, before taking him again._

Because of his kotoamatsukami, and of his better assessment of people, Shisui is the one who interrogates Sasuke's suspicious clients.

He doesn't say it out loud but he doesn't like the idea of Sasuke alone with perverts; he knows that the boy is capable and that his sharingan is no match for them, but the suspect might be a shinobi, he might even be Orochimaru, and since Itachi entrusted his brother to him, he has every right to be worried. Or so he tells himself.

_Shisui doesn't just hate the idea of strangers laying their hands on Sasuke, he also hates the idea of strangers ogling him, even of them remembering what they saw, for the boy's pure yet feisty appearance is a feast for perverted eyes, his pants hanging low on his hips, a white shirt completely open on his chest, his bored expression, his half open lips as he distractedly rubs his shoulder, not bothering to cover it up again, thus leaving it exposed._

_He also hates himself for thinking about such nonsense. In fact, if he heard anything like that from his teammates, he would have smack them in the head._

Make sure to wipe their memory, he always tells the boy, but most times he does it himself.

Sasuke protests because even without mangekyou sharingan he can do it as well, not understanding that the elder doesn't mean that.

_When Shisui marks him, biting him hard as he's pressed against the dresser, he understands a little more. Or maybe he doesn't._

_Why would Shisui be possessive over him, after all? Didn't he say that what they do, what they have, is just a mutual agreement?_

_What does that mean anyway, and how is it different from any other thing other people have?_

* * *

It takes months to catch the killer.

As Shisui suspected, it's not Orochimaru but a rogue shinobi affiliated with his second in command, a spy named Kabuto, whose research needed fresh corpses, and no one better than a serial killer could provide them. Because not all the bodies were suitable for his tests, some were found while others disappeared, thus it was first assumed there were human traffickers behind.

As soon as Shisui got Sasuke's signal he stormed in the dark alleyway.

A big, unconscious man was draped over his cousin, who just managed to put him under genjutsu. He sure put up a fight, the boy says, wiping the blood from his cut cheek.

He definitely isn't a civilian, the elder commented, violently shoving him on the ground, then picking him up and putting him in a sitting position against on the wall.

_He hates the idea of strangers laying their hands on him._

The man was too elusive to be the usual pervert so he let him get closer, Sasuke explained.

Too close, Shisui scolded him, ignoring his protests that they wouldn't have caught him otherwise. When he activated mangekyou sharingan he had the proof that they were right. He used kotoamatsukami to make him talk and it worked so well that after waiting for an Anbu team to seal him and bring him to the village, they managed to capture Kabuto as well.

It's a big success for the team and for Sasuke.

His father acknowledges his hard work, although reminding him that he's not as good as Itachi.

_As if Sasuke could ever forget that when Itachi avoided the massacre of their clan at 13, the same age him, when he took the chuunin exam._

_As if he could ever forget that everything he did before or after that moment, Itachi had done it sooner and better._

At the Uchiha Police Force, Fugaku hears a few jokes about Sasuke as a prostitute, since Asao's brother is one of his direct subordinates, apparently the only one who's not affected by his undeniable intimidating aura, that he uses to glare at both siblings, once that he sees them outside their quarters, with Naoru and Shisui.

He's not offended; having been a shinobi all his life, he heard those jokes every time a comrade had a similar mission. He is only disappointed comparing his second son's career, completely average in his eyes, and Itachi's, appointed Anbu captain at 13 and on his way to be the youngest Hokage.

After the others leave he talks to Shisui, who tells him that Sasuke is smart and has a talent for strategy, an interesting fighting style, influenced by his brother, Kakashi and himself, the ability to learn fast and work well in a team, so he's a good special jounin. He adds that despite the initial skepticism towards his young age and lack of experience, he has become a valued member of the team.

Fugaku nods, unimpressed, before asking why, if he's so appreciated, he can't be recommended for a more prominent position, such as leading his own team, or at least for a promotion in theirs. Shisui runs his hand through his curly hair as he replies that Sasuke is the youngest member of the team so he can't change rank at the expense of the others, and that in a special jounin team ranks don't even matter that much. Most of it all, he continues, his relaxed stance getting serious, his look and posture straighter, even though Sasuke is a good shinobi, and he envisions that he'll be a good leader for a small team, he's not ready to take on such stressful task yet, and that his potential is much better expressed where he is now, under his mentorship, where discipline matters but individual initiative is appreciated, where his leader and senpai can take responsibility in case he should fail.

_Itachi entrusted Sasuke to him so that his brother would escape Fugaku's pressure a little bit, and so that he could have more options. Special jounin are easily accepted in regular jounin teams, or as teachers, or in Anbu, although they usually don't like other forces' stricter rules._

_Sasuke wouldn't like them either. Maybe he would, if Itachi were Hokage and he became his guard, Shisui wonders, not forgetting the rift between them, whose details he can vaguely guess, whose reasons -feelings stronger than societal roles, yet succumbing to them for Itachi, while causing pain and confusion for Sasuke- he knows for sure._

_He shakes himself out of his musings, not wanting to put his little cousin in a bad situation with his father, and not wanting to think about their feelings at all, for he has feelings too._

The world has changed; he and Itachi were children of the war, like Fugaku himself, and Mikoto, and his deceased parents. Sasuke's generation is the first that knows only peace. They're luckier than their predecessors and some are definitely weak, but not his younger son, who's been training every day since he was a child, who's the only special jounin among his peers, Shisui tells the clan leader.

_Shisui knows that in Fugaku's eyes Sasuke will never be strong enough, not only because in comparison with his other son but also because, according to their mentality, the boy didn't see the battlefield when he was barely able to read, unlike his brother, because he wasn't employed in far too dangerous missions for his young age, where, driven by survival instinct yet paralyzed by fear or jealousy or both, he left his best friend and rival behind. Unlike him._

_Shisui found the courage to tell Itachi about this -the reason why he activated mangekyou sharingan- only after having been together for a while. The younger didn't judge him, he just stroked his back, commenting that he only acted that way because of fear and desperation, his concerned and guilty expression a reminder of what he was about to do when overwhelmed by those feelings._

_Besides, he added, leaning on his shoulder, he was glad that Shisui clung to life: he saved the clan, Sasuke's life, and his soul, from the damnation and suffering that would have haunted him forever, if he had carried on his mission._

_Those reassuring words, spoken with the calm, even voice of the one he loved, were like a balm soothing the elder's heart. So much that he swore to himself that he would never do anything that would make him unworthy of Itachi._

_He pushed back his deepest, darkest desires and thoughts because of that oath._

* * *

Even before Kabuto's capture, Konoha's reputation of stability and strength received a new boost when the news of Itachi's diplomatic mission spread around the other countries. In fact he received invitations from other villages, that, like Suna, wanted to end the isolation they chose after the last war and grow economically.

There is no doubt that Uchiha prodigy will be a great Hokage, having already done so much for the Leaf.

_Itachi doesn't care about that, his goal is not his or the Leaf's reputation, but a long lasting peace and a change in society, so that no one will be treated like a disposable tool for war, or a pawn in political games._

At the first clan meeting after his return, Itachi is asked to explain his successful mission's positive repercussions for the Uchiha, and although he illustrates them from a perspective that includes the village they all belong to, the audience listens with great interest, because he's good at motivating people and make them all feel involved and important.

It's a big step towards overcoming a stifling clan mentality.

It's a big step towards Sasuke's freedom, he thinks, eyeing his brother and Shisui in the farthest corner of the hall.

They rarely attend meetings, being usually busy with missions or training.

No one considers Shisui's absence a lack of respect, as no one forgot what he did for them.

No one cares about Sasuke's absence either, as although his results are impressive and he's in the Teleporter's team he's born after the war, and his brother shines too bright for him to be noticed.

_Sasuke's eyes widen at the news that Gaara is now Kazekage. All he remembers about him is a bloodthirsty demon inside a crazy boy._

" _It's an...interesting choice," Shisui comments. He speaks again after a short pause:_

" _Didn't he defeat you during your chuunin exams?"_

_When Sasuke nods, shrugging, he adds:_

" _I heard he did quite a number on you, all the while babbling creepy stuff..."_

_The boy's glare only urges him to continue, in a lower tone, with a darker look:_

" _Like I said, you make people want to break you..."_

_The disapproving look of a clansman shuts him up while, at the opposite side of the temple, Itachi is recounting what the new Kazekage is doing for his village._

_Despite Sasuke only knows his beastly side, he believes his brother's words._

_By now he knows that people change, feelings change, relationships change. Someone who kills for fun may redeem himself, just like brotherly affection may turn into something different, just like the unbreakable bond between two brothers may turn into cold formality._

_Even though Itachi always acted out of duty with him, so that bond only existed in Sasuke's heart, he reminds himself, before trying to chase that painful thought away, especially because his brother is still speaking at the other side of the temple, so close yet so far away from him._

_He tries to recall Gaara's face and appearance but he only remembers red hair and the symbol on his forehead, so he focuses on the man beside him. He's sitting cross-legged, his knee is casually leaning against the boy's thigh. His eyes -their shape so similar to his brother's- are half lidded. His black curls, so unusual for an Uchiha, are a little longer than the usual. He said he should have them cut, they're almost reaching his eyes and he hates the tickling sensation, he even asked how he can live with such long bangs, before admitting that "your mop of thick messy hair is kinda cool", and, grabbing a fistful of hair he pulled his head back and ravaged his exposed throat._

_How did he get to think about that? He asks himself._

" _Interesting choice indeed," he echoes Shisui's words, tearing down his lustful memory with sarcasm,"It's as if Konoha chose someone who cut heads and dragged them around laughing as its Hokage."_

_His voice is low, his look impassive, so not to be noticed by the clansman from before._

" _You forgot the part where I saved your little ass, kid. Luckily I do remember it very well..."_

_The elder retorts with the same tone. Before the boy replies, he speaks again:_

" _By the way, you never thanked me for that."_

" _What about now...danna."_

_Sasuke whispers, ironically using the honorific, while keeping a straight face._

_As they're heading to Shisui's place, he blurts out:_

" _The creepy things Gaara babbled...he said he wanted to taste my blood."_

_Shisui places his hand on the boy's collarbone, slowly tracing it._

" _Did he? Guess he'd be jealous of me then..."_

_He whispers huskily as he reaches his throat, its paleness and taut softness reminding him the many times he licked Sasuke's blood, dripping from the cuts he made, the younger arching beneath him, its pulse drumming under his fingers anticipating the things he'll do to him once they get inside, in his house, their own secluded world where nothing matters but them._

* * *

Tsunade transfers Izumi in the Hokage building, to only perform office tasks, knowing that she doesn't intend to retire but also that a married couple, especially an influential one like hers, is supposed to have children, sooner or later.

Usually said couple goes home separately, as, unlike his wife, Itachi doesn't have a fixed working time, on top of being constantly busy assisting Tsunade, together with Nara Shikaku, communicating with the Council and more. The first time they walk out of the building together is when the Senju princess kicks them out because it's a crime to work during such a sunny afternoon. As the woman drags Shizune outside to drink, better if they find Jiraiya in the process, they stroll around the village, have some tea and dango at the shop, then, once they're back in the Uchiha district, they stop by the lake before going home.

_Tsunade is right: it's too nice a day to stay indoors, where nothing matters for them._

There they spot Sasuke, sitting by the edge, his arms placed behind him, his legs stretched out, gazing at a flock of crows flying back and forth and cawing to each other.

He seems completely lost in his thoughts, so much that when Izumi calls him he is almost startled.

After having respectfully greeted both, he quickly explains why they found him there, clearly not wanting Itachi to think that he's lazing around.

His team has been given some time off, he says, he spent the morning in the training fields, then he took his falcon here. In fact, part of its training is occasionally setting it free, just waiting for it to come back.

He manages his unease fairly well. He afford anything different, as Fugaku scolded him over and over when he didn't behave appropriately around his older brother.

_Even though said brother broke his heart and shattered his self-worth and his hope for the future._

Izumi doesn't notice his discomfort. As far as she knows Sasuke has never been talkative, he probably needs time to adjust. When her older sister got married she missed her terribly and they weren't even that close. She decides to talk for both brothers, telling the boy about Tsunade kicking them out of the office, joking about their common passion for dango and her disastrous attempts to prepare them at home.

_Like all wives do, she calls Itachi 'dear'. Indeed he's dear to her: he saved her from marrying anyone else, with whom she would have been forced to do her duty and suffocate the love and the memories she held deep in her heart. He gave her a purpose, devoting her life to make Shuuto's dream of peace come true. He gave her a place to be herself, trying out recipes for fun, planting flowers that remind her of her lost love, listening to her talking about him without ever judging her._

_He's always guarded about himself, even when he looks relaxed._

_She knows that he hasn't forgotten an important person either, although she ignores their identity. She doesn't mind though; he'll talk when he'll be ready. Or maybe he won't, but she'll respect his decision anyway._

_What they feel for each other is not what poets described, the love and passion that fill hearts and souls, that burn lives and make time fly. Nevertheless their mutual respect and affection is real and strong._

Sasuke listens, raising an eyebrow at her cooking disasters' overview, his lips slightly curled upwards. When Itachi asks about him he replies with an exhaustive report on his training and missions, as if he were being examined by a teacher. Or their father.

He leaves out anything personal, because the Hokage successor is back from a diplomatic mission, because the future clan leader defined him worthless  _-unlike Shisui-_  and because his perfect brother revealed his affection and support were just his duty  _-like his marriage-_  so why would he bother him? Itachi surely wouldn't care that he tried again the exotic fruits that look like big walnuts on the outside and are made of a sour jelly with black grains on the inside, that he once brought him as a gift.

He surely wouldn't care that when Hiro mentioned foot fetish among the kinks and requests prostitutes are usually asked, Sasuke thought it was a joke, but his comrade insisted so he asked if he was into it but he soon wished he hadn't asked, because not only he said yes but he also commented everyone's feet, until he admitted that his favourites were Itachi's, that he saw once at the hot springs...if he and his brother still talked like they used to, he would have told him everything and they would have laughed about it, and at the first opportunity Itachi would have embarrassed Hiro with some witty comment about his fixation, but he can't do that anymore, in fact he could never had done it, because it would have been a lie, so why would he tell him?

Itachi can't blame him for being so closed off now, as it's only because he put distance between them by lying about his feelings for Shisui and for him, so he shows the utmost interest towards his impersonal report, because he hasn't seen him in a long time, because he doesn't wake up in the rooms next to his little brother's anymore, because he can't ruffle his bed hair anymore, because he hasn't done such things since he broke his heart, because he misses them terribly.

He misses him terribly.

He would want to know everything else. Everything he missed. Everything about him.

Even though Sasuke's body is well trained and taut, he looks gaunt; his cheeks are more hollow than he remembered and his eyes are haunted and tired.

He mentioned his days off but he spends them training instead of resting, seeing his friends and enjoying his free time.

He surely trains too much and he doesn't sleep and eat enough, and Shisui is not going easy on him, he worries, eyes scanning each and every detail of the boy, reassuring himself thinking that every time he saw his brother and his cousin together they got along well.

_Maybe too well._

_Itachi entrusted Sasuke to his cousin, best friend and former lover, knowing that he needed someone to look up to, even the very person he compared him to._

_He had no other choice, because Sasuke had seen him and Shisui kissing, and he had heard him saying that he didn't feel anything for Izumi._

_He definitely had no other choice, he reminds himself, because certainly he didn't do it as a sort of insurance for the future, so that even if the two spent time together they would never get too close, because his brother would be resentful towards him. Didn't he?_

_Besides, there's nothing going on between them: he would know if there was. He had a relationship with Shisui and he's Sasuke's brother, he knows their feelings and needs, their expressions and gestures. He knows them better than anyone, even better than they do, he tells himself, ignoring a nagging memory of years before, when he told his little brother that being a prodigy isn't that great, because it makes people arrogant, leading them to believe they can do everything alone._

_The Shisui he knows shares his ideals and goals; outside their clan he's seen as a loose cannon after he faked his death and tortured then killed Danzo, using his severed head to intimidate his former subordinates, thus he's not welcome to actively participate in Konoha's political life, but it doesn't matter. Itachi always considered him as the true savior, and the clan thinks highly of him too._

_Even Fugaku declared that should Itachi's Hokage duties prevent him from leading the Uchiha after him, he would choose Shisui as his successor._

_Either way would be positive for Sasuke, who will be able to choose his own future, Itachi thinks, not imagining what his brother chose in the present, and not imagining the kind of training Shisui is giving him, not imagining that Sasuke looks tired and haunted because he is tied up or beaten -or both- then fucked by Shisui on a regular basis, not imagining that Sasuke wants it as much as the other does, not imagining that they left the meeting before its end to vent their anger and sadness and frustration in the only way that makes them forget, in each other's arms and mouth and skin, focusing on the other's body, voice, reactions, needing more, needing to be indoors no matter how beautiful the day is, because outside there are people and duties and etiquette while inside it's just them, naked and wild and exposed and painfully true._

Itachi can tell that Sasuke is torn between opposite feelings: he's hurt and probably angry yet longing for their relationship as it used to be. He would like to tell him more, like he did before he was rejected, yet he's holding back, distancing himself from his brother, not out of self-preservation or resentment, but out of respect.

He considers himself a nuisance and he doesn't want to bother Itachi anymore.

He thinks that no matter how painful the truth is, he can't change it. Itachi never loved him, he only did his duty, as expected of a perfect shinobi, son and future leader, and as much as he would have wanted to yell and break things and fight him it would have been pointless.

He can't imagine that for Itachi he has always been the pure creature born after the war, what he knows is that he is the useless second, and no matter what he does it's never enough.

_Shisui is the only one who says he's enough._

_He used to call him spoiled brat when he started training him, and he still does, but it's different now._

_He looks at him without disappointment -as if he's not a failure- despite his goading words._

_He tells him that he is not weak, despite his hands and the blood and his weight all over him, because he can take him._

It breaks Itachi's heart to see that despite what he did, his brother doesn't hate him.

_Does he still have a heart, after having broken his brother's? he wonders, not sure of the answer._

Sasuke hates himself, because the one he loved and trusted more than anyone, called him worthless.

His words burned his anger and pride down, leaving only self-loathing in its dying embers.

_This wasn't supposed to happen: Sasuke should have hated him and in doing so he should have focused on himself and finding his own strength, his own path, that he would have protected from afar, making the world a better place for him._

_Itachi can't help but question what went wrong, why his plan failed so miserably, why he failed so miserably, even though he was sure of its outcome. He hates failing more than anything, especially when it comes to his little brother, the most important person in his life, whom he was supposed to encourage and support, using his skills and better judgement, like a big brother should._

The repercussions of his failure are evident, even more so when, once Sasuke is done replying to his questions, he congratulatulates his success in Suna and compliments his brilliant speech at the clan meeting. When the elder thanks him he smiles shyly, diverting his gaze in slight embarrassment.

_He treats him like an important person, not like a brother._

_He treats him with the respect and deference due to the leader and Hokage he'll become in the future, replacing the old familiarity with the etiquette their father always enforced._

He seems relieved when his hawk screeches to announce its return.

Bowing his head a little, he excuses himself, as he needs to make sure that crows don't attack it, he explains, turning his back on them and heading towards the edge of the lake again.

"Aren't hawks bigger than crows?"

Izumi asks.

"Not necessarily. Some species are the same size as them or even smaller, and while hawks are solitary, and, especially trained ones, loyal to their master, crows are social and opportunistic animals, who often mob hawks to steal their prey."

Itachi replies, not oblivious to his brother's almost imperceptible sigh, unlike his wife, who promptly follows Sasuke, wanting to get a closer look.

_Although Izumi means well, Sasuke wants to be left alone, and it should be Itachi's duty to end the conversation and leave, but he finds himself unable to do so._

The boy stretches out his arm and pets its head when it perches on it, giving a hint of a smile when Izumi remarks that it's very cute.

She's right: it's a small, black-spotted brown bird with big eyes and an angry face.

It reminds Itachi of Sasuke as a toddler, when Izumi tried to hold him but he screamed and thrashed until she put him back in his brother's arms.

_It's hard to take Izumi's hand and leave Sasuke to his own business because it's a beautiful sunny day and they're by the very lake where he and Shisui taught him how to swim, right out of the woods where they used to play hide and seek, and things are so much different from the past, even his little brother is different, still as beautiful as before but so vulnerable, so broken, and he missed him for so long that he can't help but take advantage of his position, knowing that etiquette requires that the person of higher rank leaves first._

"May I…"

He asks, petting the hawk then stretching his arm in Sasuke's direction, coaxing it to perch on his arm, like Shisui taught him when he was only a child while the other was already good with crows and other birds.

_He brushes Sasuke's arm while doing so, a faint touch like it happened so many times before he broke their bond -only apparently, because he's living for him, he's working for a better world for him- but to Itachi it's almost electric._

_To Sasuke, overwhelmed by childhood memories over and over, since the day the elder called him worthless, that touch brings back the time his brother shoved him against the wall, inside his room, away from prying eyes, and revealed to have lied until then, so he doesn't let his heart dwell on it, as confusing and nostalgic as it may be it's meaningless, he tells himself._

Itachi takes advantage of the power he has over the boy -in more than one way- once more, inviting Sasuke over the following day.

The boy widens his eyes in surprise as lets the hawk settle back on his arm.

He accepts, bowing his head again, muttering a thank you that sounds more confused than happy.

No matter what he wants to do, or not to do, he can't refuse an invitation from his older brother, future clan leader and Hokage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some connection to canon events, like the chuunin exams and what happened, in this case how it was avoided, the Gaara situation and Orochimaru (almost) again. Itachi is an inspiration for everyone so why not Gaara too, although I didn't want to take Naruto's importance away. Of all his talk no jutsu the one to Gaara made sense because they were both jinchuuriki.  
> Sasuke asks a lot of questions in canon, in a very blunt way that make him pure and cute at the same time. Same here. H's still kinda clueless about sex because he only knows what Shisui taught him, which is a lot though. 
> 
> It's just infiltration but I like the prostitute Sasuke fic trope, if properly done. I think he'd have no qualms doing it, if it was to achieve his goal. Here he does it wearing his canon clothes he used with Orochimaru.
> 
> The recurring theme of this chapter happens to be outside vs inside. Sasuke and Shisui meet indoors, in Shisui's house or a dingy inn room, it doesn't matter, they have their own world, kinky and dark and twisted but only theirs and true, because they don't hide their real selves and their dark side. They have intimacy inside. As opposed to whatever is outside, etiquette and rules and other people, even Itachi and Izumi, who like the outside better, because in their own house, their inside, there is no intimacy, both either caught in the future goals or past memories, unlike Shisui and Sasuke who live the present moment, in good and in bad.  
> I said Itachi and Izumi have nothing but it's not exact. Theirs is an arranged marriage but also more than that, they both love someone they can't have, so they focus on something else, something bigger than them, something still related to their loved one, and they do it together. It's not romantic but it's quite heartwarming, although it's not what shippers hope for.  
> I don't mean to portray Izumi as dense or shallow, pretty much the opposite actually, since she comes from a personal tragedy in this AU, but in canon she didn't realize that she was making Itachi uncomfortable at first, so I took that inspiration to write her lighter side.
> 
> Shisui and Sasuke's feelings are changing. They already changed actually. They both still love Itachi, he's above them like an ideal, a deity, while they are real, they cling to each other with their desires and frustrations, but even if they don't act or think like a romantic couple, they do care about the other, which was already seen in the previous chapter.
> 
> I say it every time. I don't see Itachi as the martyr a big part of his fandom sees. He's more than that to me, and I like his dark sides just as much.  
> He's selfless and his love for Sasuke is immense, but he's also controlling. In the book it's said that he hates to lose, controlling is a part of that, especially Sasuke. He's his older brother so he feels like he must protect him at all costs, by all means, even hurting him. Love and control are just connected, for him.  
> He has a genius mind and the arrogance that comes with it, because he's better than others and he knows it, he's steps ahead of them so he only trusts himself and assumes he can foresee people's reactions. In canon he focused Sasuke's hate on him as if he could compartmentalize it and live normally, as if he could ever really hate his most precious person, no matter how many reasons he gave him.  
> In this story he's selfless and selfish, tormented and opportunistic at the same time. He did the same as in canon, though with a different context, and now he's seeing results he didn't expect.  
> Shisui and Sasuke are closer than he intended, although he doesn't know how close exactly.  
> And, along with his selfless goal to build a world where Sasuke wouldn't be used as a pawn for political strategy, there's also a selfish aspect, because even though he didn't expect Sasuke to know about his past with Shisui, he took advantage of that too, being steps ahead of everyone, using that information to both push Sasuke away (for his own good, because he couldn't be tainted by his love his own brother, even though he feels the same) and to make sure that he would look up to Shisui but also resent him, so he wouldn't get too close.  
> Which didn't happen, because he didn't realize that Sasuke is not as proud as he is, so instead of hating him because his ego was wounded, he hates himself because his self-esteem is low, and he sought Shisui, because he admires him. And because he needs a bond. He's pure but also broken, and Itachi ignores the extent of his masochistic side. And Shisui's sadistic side as well. He ignores his dark side completely, because he has never been good at reading Shisui or understanding his feelings, that he totally underestimated.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took a long, long time to update this story. The good news is that next chapter will be uploaded soon, because as I was writing this one it came out so long that I had to split it in 2.
> 
> For some reason it was particularly hard for me to write this, and the following one. Itasasu is not the main pairing here, Shisasu is, and not just because I planned it to be, but because as I write this fic it became so vivid and strong that even as I was focusing on Itachi and Sasuke's moments Shisui kept popping in the narration...and in Sasuke's mind. You'll see.
> 
> This chapter references the last one a lot, from the hawk to timing of fortuitous -or failed- meetings. This means that Shisui's events overlap with what happened in ch10. If it were an anime episode what happens to Shisui and what happened to Sasuke in ch10 would be alternated.
> 
> As in all my writing, repetitions are on purpose, as they're expressions of inner dialogues and turmoil.
> 
> Another reason why writing this (and the following) chapter was hard, from Sasuke's relationship with his father to his meeting with Itachi, is because of personal stuff, issues and states of mind, believe it or not but life gets in the way, which is why those who feel entitled to judge a fic's content, triggering/controversial themes included, should shut the hell up because they have no idea why an author writes whatever they write. If they can't stomach certain content they must avoid it, if they don't it's their fault if they feel bad. Same for certain annoying comments, either passive aggressive or imposing or clingy or fake; sure I appreciate a nice review but I ain't gonna change the story for you, and I ain't gonna speed up either. More like I'm gonna ignore those comments and keep doing my own thing. Especially because after certain things happened online, I pay attention to the vibe coming from a message, and I avoid those I don't like.
> 
> Speaking of which, I am aware that I'm painfully slow, but I always finish what I started, since I planned the plot in advance and I put a lot of effort into my writing, so I love to see it completed. I did put some story on hiatus though, since I'm writing more than one fic at the time and I wanted to focus on one or two in particular. For example in the past months I rewrote my first Itasasu fic (What He Wanted), and currently I'm focusing on this one and Of Feathers And Fangs (Narusasu), so I put on hiatus In Power We Entrust The Love Advocated (Itasasu) and Somber Creation Pale Destruction (Madasasu). I didn't just interrupt them tho, I gave them a "season finale", so readers can have a pleasing reading experience. Everything else it's ongoing. So nope, I don't give up on my stuff.
> 
> I dedicate this chapter to Disorderdoll9, whose birthday was on October 25th. This chapter was supposed to be shorter and what you're most interested (hahah) was supposed to be in it, but it got longer so it will happen in the following one. I'll extend my dedication to that one as well. In the meantime Parabéns atrasados!
> 
> I also dedicate it to Minai28/Minai-chan to thank her for her cute shisasu fanarts, and to Renamon15, whom I was so, so, SO lucky to meet in person and who gave me some of her beautiful fanarts, as well as a beautiful day in her company~

 

> " _But I came to love you anyway_  
>  _So you pulled my heart out_  
>  _And I don't mind bleeding_  
>  _Any old time you keep me waiting  
>  __Oh, oh-oh I got a love that keeps me waiting  
>  __I'm a lonely boy..." (The Black Keys, Lonely Boy)_

 

Shisui wakes up with a bad feeling.

It's not the first time; he felt that way the day his parents died.

He felt this way before the mission that signed his best friend and rival's death.

He felt like this as he was about to meet Danzo, when he ended with no other choice but to use kotoamatsukami on him and fake his death, hiding in the Hyuuga compound, enduring their torture to gain their trust, leaving Itachi alone and desperate.

_He didn't feel anything the day the massacre was supposed to happen, for he was back, determined to protect Itachi and itching to destroy Danzo._

He felt this way when, no longer able to ignore the way Itachi looked at Sasuke, he broke their relationship.

_Itachi accepted it without questions, or regret, or sadness. He didn't realize that Shisui did what he should have done, as it was over for him, not for the elder._

Something bad is about to happen, Shisui knows, just like he knows that it will happen to Sasuke.

_A part of him wonders why he feels this way for the one he was forced to look after because of a promise he made to his brother, who loved that boy too much to love him back._

_A part of him reminds himself that shouldn't care about that boy. The rest of him though, cares for that broken boy who trusts him, of all people._

He knows that today Sasuke would spend the day training his hawk.

_When his previous hawk died Sasuke blamed himself, as he should have realized that it was too soon to use it for a mission. He acted like their comrades' jokes about the incident didn't affect him but Shisui could tell that they did, so much that he neither added his voice to the others', nor he lectured him, even though he did fail, thus putting the team in danger. He did something else, instead._

_When he looked in the boy's wide open eyes as he gave him the good news that he found another bird for him to start all over, he knew he did the right thing._

_He almost refused, when, later that day, the boy came to his house to thank him the way an apprentice thanks their mentor, as he taught him. Shisui hadn't done it for his personal advantage, after all._

_Sasuke replied to his question, why he had left the aviary, explaining that the hawk would be overwhelmed by his presence if he stayed too long. Then he kneeled before him and waited his master's orders, but when nothing happened he looked up and asked, in a tone that was tamer than the usual:_

" _Any request, shishou?"_

_The elder shook his head, taken aback by weird -but not unexpected- realization that the boy deemed impossible to receive a gift from him without having to repay him, mesmerized by how pure his big black eyes looked, even as he took him in his mouth and applied all the teachings he had been imparted so far, driving him crazy with lust. Or something else._

_Or both, but he was careful not to overwhelm him with his feelings, for he was already overwhelming him with his body and mouth and hands all over his lithe body._

Shisui is supposed to join some old comrades for a friendly spar, the kind that starts in the field, showing off taijutsu and ninjutsu, and ends in a tavern, challenging each other to a drinking contest.

He doesn't feel like going though. Or reminiscing the old times. Or meeting people.

Even though he can easily read them, he's bothered by how they all try hard to hide something, from those who lie to those who don't, but still hide a part of themselves.

_The part that they're ashamed of. Just like Itachi and his forbidden feelings for his brother._

His team is an exception, as they know better than to hide something from him, and they're too lazy to even think about it.

Sasuke, the most open and raw among them, is an exception too, even though he never spoke about what happened before he took him under his wing.

_It's all over his tormented eyes and frantic hands, clearer and clearer each time he got closer to the elder, that can clearly tell what happened: understanding the nature of his feelings the naive, honest boy confessed them to his brother, not realizing that Itachi, a genius whose shinobi skills and fine reasoning were Hokage level since his childhood, a prodigy who became a spy and at such a young age, didn't consider honesty the best policy._

_Considering their actual situation and knowing his cousin and former lover better than anyone, Shisui knows that he surely lied, hiding his love despite its mutuality, humiliating Sasuke to shake him out of his feelings, and at the same time he asked him to look after him, not imagining how painful it would be, for someone who never stopped loving him._

_As if both his feelings and Sasuke's were dust to shake off their shoulders._

_As if his own feelings were just as irrelevant. Itachi decided they were a long time ago, when he sacrificed them to the grand scheme of things, to achieve a long lasting peace and political transparency, so that issues would no longer be settled through arranged marriages and secret alliances. He sacrificed them for Sasuke, to bestow him freedom and a new world instead of his forbidden love and his tainting desires._

_Like in everything else, Itachi succeeded in putting distance between him and his brother, who was clearly uncomfortable around him, and so hurt that he needed an outlet to vent out his anger and self-loathing._

_Shisui is sure that Itachi didn't imagine that the boy would hate himself so much, just like he didn't imagine their relationship -no, their agreement._

_He wasn't oblivious to the way people looked at his brother -he once told him that he didn't like the way Kakashi looked at Sasuke, even- but he didn't think that he would have been interested in his brother, or he didn't think his brother would have been interested in him._

_Once again Itachi underestimated him, Shisui thinks, with a mix of bitterness and triumph, because he, instead, saw through him._

_Because he, instead, was inside his little brother, again and again._

Unable to dismiss the bad feeling nagging at him, he decides to postpone his meeting and spend the day with Sasuke.

_He decides to save Sasuke._

_Itachi entrusted his little brother to him, it's not that he has another choice, he tells himself._

Unfortunately, before finding the boy he must head to the headquarter, where a pile of paperwork is waiting for him, and as he's working on it he is summoned by the Hokage.

The bad feeling grows as he's debriefed: there's a problem with Kabuto, the prisoner they caught during their last mission, a former Konoha spy who pledged his loyalty to Orochimaru, becoming his second in command.

They knew that interrogating him would be hard but they didn't think it would be impossible, as neither torture nor mind reading techniques worked so far.

Kotoamatsukami doesn't work either, since not only the rogue's brain but also his subconscious is sealed, to prevent him from disclosing information.

Their last chance, Inoichi Yamanaka suggests to a dejected Tsunade, is combining Kotoamatsukami and Body Switch to bypass the seal and make him talk.

It's a risky and chakra consuming procedure that has never been attempted so far, so the Hokage will support Shisui with her Byakugou chakra during the whole process while Ino will support her father. As they'll all be unable to defend themselves, in case something went wrong with the prisoner, they'll be backed up by Hinata and Neji, the future Hyuuga leaders whose marriage will unite the clan.

_Shisui remembers Hiashi, the heiress' father, supervising many interrogations, while Neji, the branch family prodigy, using his gentle fist on him. Unsurprisingly, it wasn't gentle at all._

_He never held a grudge against them anyway; they were just doing what they had to do to protect their people._

_Besides, their blows seemed gentle indeed, compared to the ones Itachi didn't even realize to have inflicted on him, years later._

Among other abilities Shisui is famous for his speed, yet it takes him a second too much to focus, as when he is expected to empty his mind for the experiment to take place, his heart is heavy with that ominous feeling.

Inoichi's idea is brilliant but Orochimaru is the best scientist alive; his seals are so many and so well placed on Kabuto's mind, that no matter how hard they try and what technique they use, it's impossible to penetrate it, nevertheless they keep trying, only stopping when Shisui's eyes roll back and he and Inoichi start bleeding from their noses.

Ino, the Yamanaka's daughter, promptly releases the jutsu, but only thanks to Tsunade's chakra they prevent a tragic fatality from happening because, as her father points out, knowing the sannin he intended to eliminate Kabuto along with his captors, in case he got caught.

Shisui wakes up with an IV attached to his arm, his head spinning, his throat dry and his chest heavy with failure and with  _that feeling_  of inexplicable, impending doom.

It's almost evening, and he just wants to go home and wait for Sasuke, because he knows that he will come by, he can feel it in his skin even before Tsunade mentions that since he has been out for hours, she returned to work in her office but it was a beautiful day so she sent Itachi and Izumi home, actually she wanted to do the same, look for Jiraiya, drink and gamble with him, instead of dwelling on the failed interrogation.

As she rambles Shisui's only thought is that Sasuke might stumble upon his brother, that it might have happened already.

_He'll come by without a word, sadness and anger in his eyes, Shisui thinks._

_He'll do something reckless to provoke the elder, like shove him against the wall to fight him, and when he'll succeed in taking him down, he'll pounce on him, riding him and clawing at him at the same time, until Shisui will use full force to take control and give him the punishment he craves for, being beaten and fucked until he won't be able to think anymore, until the two of them locked in Shisui's apartment will be his only reality._

When Tsunade heads outside the room, commanding everyone to leave and let him rest, he gets up from the bed, saying that he's fine.

He's thinking about the boy as he walks out of the door, not noticing that the shinobi around him look blurred, in his mind a clear image of Sasuke standing by his door, shoulders slightly hunched, head tilted downwards, his eyes looking up at him.

_A posture so different from Itachi's, who, despite his appropriate manners, usually tilts his head upwards and look down at people, an unconscious expression of his genius' opinion if them._

_Not him though. He never looked at him that way. In fact he used to look up to him. Shisui used to think it meant something._

He's thinking about all the times he found Sasuke waiting for him in the porch, until one day he threw a spare key at him  _-to test his reflexes, he said-_  not noticing that sounds are muffled, even voices, even Shizune's voice, as she comes close to him and says something he can't hear.

He's thinking about the many times he found Sasuke dozing off in his couch, looking so young and vulnerable that ravishing him was  _almost_  a pity -and at the same time so satisfying- not noticing the Hyuuga couple rushing at his side, to catch him, nodding as he stubbornly mutters a few words before he passes out.

"Home...I...have to...go home".

* * *

Shisui is right: like every time he feels that he is drowning in a sea of despair and loneliness, Sasuke wants to see him.

_For the elder, who feels that he can barely keep his head out of it, when he's not swept away by its waves, it's not that different._

_Saving each other, or drowning together in alcohol and sex and violence is their personal lifeline, even if it hurts._

_Precisely because it hurts: it has to, if they want to stop thinking._

Meeting his brother was overwhelming, especially after months of no longer living under the same roof and engaging in small talk. He wasn't used anymore to answer his questions in the most appropriate way even if he just wanted to yell at him, or punch him, or anything else, as long as he could peel his calm smile off his face.

_Why was he even smiling at him? Was he mocking him? Was he making fun of him with his wife? Sasuke wondered during their conversation, in his brain, the echo of the elder's words from that day._

" _In my eyes you are worthless_ _"._

When it's over he needs his older cousin, his mentor, whom he waits inside his house even though according to the rules of their agreement he should only come by if invited.

_He never followed that rule anyway._

_Maybe because he wanted to be punished, maybe because he just wanted to stay in that house, even to just watch the elder, no matter what he did, from cleaning his weapons to cooking or tie him up and take him roughly._

One day Shisui threw him a key and said:

"Consider yourself invited once and for all kid," then he added:

"But you'll have to pleasure your master every time".

As if he didn't do that anyway, he retorted; Shisui didn't say anything, he just smirked and squeezed his throat until he whispered, half serious, half sarcastic:

"As you wish... _danna_ ".

Sasuke needs his master now, the only one who can make him stop thinking and feeling, for his touch tickles and burns and hurts and arouses him, for his words anger and soothe and confuse and comfort him at the same time.

He intended to rush to his place and have him take his body, engage his mind and distract his soul, but then Izumi followed him as he retrieved the hawk, and Itachi was with her,  _pretending_  that he was interested, to make fun of him or to test him and report to their father any behavior that is less than perfect, giving him more reasons to point out how insignificant he was compared to his perfect older brother.

His invitation is surely another test, Sasuke thinks, exhausted and deeply shaken because despite he  _knows_ that the elder doesn't care about him, despite he  _hates -or so he should-_ the one whom he trusted more than anyone, a part of him is still immensely happy to spend time with his older brother that he missed so much.

On his way back from the aviary he stumbles on Naoru, walking hand in hand with his current girlfriend, an Uchiha nurse nin.

How bizarre, the man says, that today both him and their captain are looking for the other; he explains that Shisui was at the headquarter that morning, to catch up on the paperwork he had been neglecting since the end of the last mission. He was working at a very fast pace because he needed to see Sasuke, but his plans were changed by an Anbu, assigned to escort him to the Hokage's office. It was a classified request for him only, Naoru recalls, explaining that he looked concerned while reading the scroll that the guard handed him.

"Oh, right. He said that you're assigned to finish in his place," the man blatantly lies, as it's obvious that he was assigned it, instead.

"Really?" Sasuke retorts, clearly not buying it. Not that it changes anything.

"Sure, that's why he was looking for you..." the other grins, completely ignoring Sasuke's "fuck you". As he's walking away, encircling the woman's waist, he says, between laughs:

"And to think that I didn't want you in the team, brat!"

Looking at the amount of amassed paperwork, Sasuke somehow understands why his teammate took advantage of his higher ran. It's not even the first time it happens anyway, Shisui did the same many times, whenever he visited, uninvited.

It was fine for him, in fact it was a good pretext for both, who ended up spending time in a comfortable silence, occasionally broken by the younger's questions about what he didn't know, and the elder's explanations as he cleaned his weapons.

It was a good pretext for both indeed, a little punishment for not respecting the rules before the real punishment started, sometimes on that very table Sasuke sat by moments before.

When he's done it's night already; the young Uchiha knows that he should go home and rest to be in good shape tomorrow, but the need to see his cousin is still there, reflected by the walls and tatami mats he was pressed against so many times, magnified and protected from everything happening outside.

Consider yourself invited at all times, Shisui said, and so he does this time as well, laying on his couch, exposed and vulnerable just like his  _shishou_ wants him, wondering what kind of request he was summoned for, imagining that he'll return any minute, that he'll lie on top of him, his hips grinding against his groin as he licks and bites his throat before he'll part his legs and take him, or that he'll straddle his stomach, crushing him under his weight, before he'll flip their position and let him ride him, filling him deep from beneath, one hand blocking his wrists behind his back, the other digging in his hip.

Half aroused, half exhausted by the events of the day, he dozes off. When he drowsily opens his eyes again the house is still empty, but the sun is shining, outside the window.

He jolts upright, for today he has been invited by the one he  _loved_ the most, the very brother who called him worthless as he confessed that he never cared about him. Such event requires preparation, which means rushing outside and train for hours, until he can barely feel his limbs, until he's barely able to mold chakra, relying on Shisui's food pills so not to pass out from exhaustion.

When he finally goes home, to take a shower and wear clean clothes, his mother inquires if Izumi's parents are going to be there as well, as in that case he might want to dress more formally. His father interrupts her, pointing out that since his status is higher it's not required of him. Mikoto remarks that it might not be required but it's appropriate; Fugaku scoffs, adding that he must just be careful not to embarrass his brother, something that he often did, according to him, no matter if he's a special jounin whose missions were all successful.

_No matter if Shisui said he isn't weak because he can take him._

He leaves early, Fugaku's words weighing on his heavy heart, his mind unable to distract itself from his brother's cold smirk and calm voice, as he said that he was just doing his duty, showing kindness and understanding towards his worthless little brother.

He passes by Shisui's house again; there are people inside, although he can't see his cousin. Sasuke overheard the other speaking of meeting old teammates, or maybe he's relaxing with the shinobi who worked on that classified mission with him. There's nothing unusual, the boy tells himself, pushing back the nagging fear that something changed, that he has been dismissed or replaced, that he'll no longer be able to hide from the outside world, inside the elder's house.

That he'll no longer be wanted  _-or just accepted, or allowed to stay-_ by Shisui.

He needs his cousin's sharp words, heavy hands and sinful mouth so much that he wonders what would he do if their agreement ended right there. Yet there is no time to dwell on this as he can't be late to an invitation from the future clan leader and Hokage, he shakes himself out of his musings, steadying himself up, steeling himself to hide any weakness, even though he can't help but think that it's the first time he can't count on Shisui's hands to make the pain go away through more pain, and that it hurts more than it should.

_Not being hurt by Shisui hurts more than being hurt by him._

* * *

When Itachi opens the door and sees his brother's paleness enhanced by his black clothes, his gaunt cheeks and the dark circles under his eyes, his first instinct is to place his hand on his forehead to check his temperature, for he doesn't seem in good shape.

_When Sasuke instinctively takes a step back, startled by his gesture, his body tense as he mutters that he's fine, a wave of guilt and anger crashes over Itachi. It takes all his self restraint to not hug him tight and beg for forgiveness. Instead he reminds himself the reason why he pretended that he never loved him, the pure creature born after the war, the one for whom he's working to create a better world, the one he swore to protect and shield from anything bad in the world, including himself and his forbidden desires._

They take a seat in the main room, from where they can admire a very simple garden, the right side vibrant with plants and flowers, the left one almost empty, except for some vases and tools on the ground.

"That's a still work in progress," Izumi says, explaining that she dedicates to gardening most of her free time but she's still a beginner.

As she brings tea and an assortment of sweets she apologizes because despite knowing that he dislikes them, she has no idea of what he likes. When Sasuke replies that just tea is fine, Itachi disappears for a moment and comes back with a bowl of fruits they brought from Suna, saying that he might like them.

The boy looks at the little thing his brother hands him, a red berry with a rough spiked surface, then he takes an experimental bite.

It's not sweet, or tangy, or sour. He's not sure of what it tastes like.

_Like his relationship with Shisui._

When Izumi leaves them alone Sasuke realizes that he didn't listen to what she said, if she was going out or else. His brother invited him as a test, not properly addressing his wife is the first failure, he scolds himself.

His musings are interrupted by Itachi, who asks him if he's hungry.

_Itachi doesn't want to startle Sasuke again but he can't ignore those paleness and dark circles and gaunt cheeks, just like he can't ignore those bony wrists peeking from his sleeves. He just wants his brother to be as healthy as he used to be._

_Sasuke doesn't imagine what the elder is thinking. If he did he would have covered up more thoroughly, as he would have mistaken his concern for disapproval._

_He has never been focused on his appearance anyway, only with his strength._

_Besides, Shisui always expressed an opposite reaction, sometimes voicing his arousal, sprung from his pale, haunted appearance, sometimes showing it through his gestures._

" _You look like you could break if I hit you hard enough, kid," his cousin told him once, looming over him after he tied him up, naked and exposed._

" _But you never do."_

_He brushed his chest and stomach, taut muscles twitching under his touch, and he dug his fingers into the bruises he painted on him just a few moments before, lowering his muscular body and his face over the boy's as he hissed in pain._

_Shisui never told him how his appearance was also endearing to him, as it was the most vivid expression of his inner world, his pain, his shattered hopes, and his need for him._

Itachi explains that they have tomatoes so he might cook something for him.

_How nostalgic: Itachi used to cook for him during their childhood, when their parents went out. Sasuke loved it. He felt special because his big brother spent time in the kitchen, to cook delicious food for him only, and when they ate it he asked him if he liked it, while his mother and father never did._

_He would offer his help, the elder would reply there was no need to and since the little boy insisted, he gave him little chores, and when he finished he would return as the other was still cooking, to receive his praise for having completed the tasks assigned to him so quickly. Itachi was in charge of the house those times, and he loved to be praised by him even more. He loved to be beside Itachi like that, it felt like they were a small family, a perfectly working cell, a couple of soulmates. He cultivated that thought for a while, until the elder's words showed him how delusional he was. Then, he just wondered whether his brother already saw him as a worthless kid whom he was bound by duty and not by love._

Sasuke thanks him, but he politely refuses his offer, explaining that since he's not hungry there's no need to trouble himself with cooking. The elder's eyes lingers on his hollow cheeks, fighting the urge to object his refusal and force him to eat, like his mother did when he, already a shinobi but still a child, wouldn't eat after certain missions. He just nods, saying that after having eaten those sweets he's not hungry either.

_There's no need to say that the real reason he's not hungry is that he's happy and anxious and sad, all at once, he can't even tell all the different feelings and sensations his brother's presence is causing him, he can only focus on him._

"How can you even eat them..." Sasuke murmurs, the words escaping his lips just like they did when they were close.

He shouldn't have said it but his brother's eyes seem to shine with the same warmth as the past, and he found himself drawn to them, and from them his look wondered to his high cheekbones and masculine jaw, his lips and nose, the warm color of his skin, all the details of the handsome face that he once dreamed he could get closer than he had ever been.

"Father said that shinobi shouldn't indulge in things like sweets but I've always liked them," Itachi comments, a smile emphasizing his underlying meaning: he earned his right to eat them long ago, even in their father's eyes.

"Besides you liked them too, when you were a very small child".

When the boy replies that he doesn't remember, he continues:

"You were really a small child back then. I would share whatever I had with you. You would eat some, but not too many, except for one day when you ate almost as many as I did, and you felt so sick that you never touched one anymore."

Sasuke vaguely remembers to have heard this story from his brother a long time ago, when he was still a genin. Even then he had no memory of that episode, unlike Itachi and their mother.

"That experience was so bad for you that you drastically changed your taste..."

Itachi's tone is pensive, his look unfocused for a moment. Then it becomes piercing.

"How's your life going, Sasuke?"

The young Uchiha, who gave him an overview of his latest missions just the day before, adds more details about them, assuming that this is what his brother asked for.

_What else would he want to know? Certainly nothing personal, like in how many pieces his heart broke when he said that he had never loved him._

_Like how worthless he feels, no matter how hard he trains, unless he is with Shisui, beneath him, obeying to him._

_Like how many things he learned from his older cousin, from fighting to sex, and its connection with pain._

_Like how addicted he is to that kind of pain, because it's the only thing that can make him forget the other pain he can't stop feeling, the pain that he caused him._

_But surely Itachi doesn't want to know anything personal about him, and if he told him it surely would mean nothing for him, even though for Sasuke it's everything._

The unease he's feeling in being scanned by Itachi's all-seeing eyes, reminds Sasuke of the times his father examined his Academy reports, except that he's not hoping to be praised anymore, and when he receives it he tells himself that it's just his brother's idea of duty.

_He's still working hard to be acknowledged though. He'll never stop striving to be worthy of his father and brother, but now he knows that his childhood dreams were just dreams, with nothing to do with reality._

The conversation shifts to how Gaara redeemed himself and how well he's working for his village, then to Naruto. Sasuke can't help but feel a little jealous of his former team mate, when his brother defines his progress impressive.

_In Itachi's eyes Naruto must be better than him, as he turned a bloodthirsty creature to a trustworthy shinobi._

_In Itachi's eyes even Gaara is better than him, as during the chuunin exams he defeated him, and he already achieved more than he'll ever do._

_In Itachi's eyes he is worthless._

In the past, when they had all the house for themselves, after a long conversation about their latest missions or anything else that crossed their minds, they would lay down on the tatami floor, in a comfortable silence, napping together, the elder spooning the younger. Now, once Itachi is done talking, Sasuke stands up and stretches his arms, as in preparation before working out. He says:

"Then...whenever you're ready, brother."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of Itachi's abilities is reading people (thus being able to manipulate them), but in an Itachi Shinden episodes Shisui says he's bad with people, I assume it's because he was very young back then, and that he got better with time, but also as amazing as he became at it, it's not his primary feature, unlike for Shisui who has always been even better than him at it. I even have an mbti/cognitive functions related explanation for this.
> 
> Also, despite being able to read people and their feelings, he tends to dismiss them, in a way, partly because he has been trained to suppress his own, at the same time, and this comes from canon thus discard them as irrelevant compared to his duty, partly because he tends to see his own feelings as stronger, it's a part of his "arrogant" side, that wants to do everything on his own because he's better than them. Somehow, even though he knows how strong Sasuke's feelings are, he assumed that his brother would be able to compartmentalize them and normally live in Konoha, for example. In this fic he assumes that Shisui wasn't that much into him, and he assumes that Sasuke will forget about his ambiguous feelings because he acts cruellyin fact he assumes that his cruel behavior will change Sasuke's feelings in a way that he'll "hate" him and focus on his own improvement, but he totally understimated his feelings for him, and he didn't realize how badly his self-esteem would be destroyed.
> 
> As for himself, knowing how strong and forbidden his own feelings for Sasuke are, he sublimates them, devoting his whole life to make the world better for him, he accepts to be part of Konoha and the clan's politics &co just to ensure his brother a different future, free from their clutches. This is very selfless, but Itachi also has a dark side, both in the fic and in canon. I don't like when fans overlook his dark, controlling side and portray him as an adorable dork and a martyr, because there's much more to him. So at the same time when he understands Sasuke's real feelings he acts cruelly to make him change them all the while focus on his own improvement, it's for his own good but it destroys his brother's self esteem instead, because he understimated his feelings for him.
> 
> Sasuke's perception of Itachi here is influenced by what happened between them. He is uncomfortable with Itachi despite because he believes him so much that he doesn't doubt that the cruel things he was told were true, so he's confused by his brother's gentleness, even though after that cruel event they lived under the same roof so they interacted, but they did it as estranged brothers, although he had to respect them anyway. Actually when their parents were not around he could get away with a quick reply, sometimes not even that respectfully, like shown on chapter7. I hope this made sense from the chapter.
> 
> Sasuke totally adores his big brother, but just like in canon they were enemies for years, in this context, even though it's different, Sasuke has been the victim of Itachi's cruelty so he suffers and is angry and lost. The tragedy is more intimate, but it's still a tragedy for him, so despite he misses Itachi he doesn't act like a puppy around him, instead he tries to protect himself, telling himself that Itachi is testing or tricking him.
> 
> The Shisui/Yamanaka combination jutsu might or might not make sense, I don't care about these details.
> 
> Broken, exhausted, lithe Sasuke is Shisui's aesthetic, unlike Itachi who likes him healthy and bruise-less, at least in this fic, because in other contexts I headcanon Itachi as controlling over Sasuke, bordering on sadistic. In this fic instead, it's also meant to show that Shisui accepts Sasuke the way he is, completely. They're the end pairing, after all.
> 
> Society in this fic is more formal and etiquette based than canon, as it's based on arranged marriages and similar, hence Mikoto and Fugaku's discussion.
> 
> The berry I described is a sort of mulberry called arbutus, according to wikipedia. There are trees in my area, berries are very cute looking but their taste is uncertain, sort of. They make a good metaphor for Shisui, just like Itachi recalling Sasuke's misadventure with sweets, sort of describes their downfall.
> 
> Also, Sasuke's daddy issues exist.
> 
> I'll upload next chapter soon, I promise.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be the part 2 of the previous chapter, which grew longer because Shisui took more space than intended. For an author it's satisfying that characters take up space and life on their own. As I was finally revising this chapter it happened again, it came out so long that I decided to split it, since my writing is quite a heavy read and I don't want readers' to lose attention.
> 
> This chapter, with the previous and the next one, were hard and painful to write, because of Sasuke, Shisui and Itachi's relationship. I consider Itachi and Sasuke tragic characters, but while Itachi's tragedy is a heroic one mostly, Sasuke's is more personal.
> 
> In general, I don't Sasuke can ever be happy, having lost Itachi, so no matter what he does or with whom he is, Itachi will always be his most beloved person. And more: Itachi, for Sasuke, is an ideal of perfection and love. I always keep this in mind in my writing, no matter what pairing I write.
> 
> So, even though I have nothing against cheating or love triangle fics, I don't want my fic to be compared to them because it's deeper and more complex than that. It's not just about love but also self acceptance, represented by how Sasuke sees himself, Shisui and Itachi, and acceptance of the other, represented by how differently Shisui and Itachi see Sasuke, which will be developed later, along with other themes.
> 
> I'm pretty sure that some of those I dedicated ch.11 to would have preferred that ch.11 included this one and the next, as it was supposed to be, but I can't stop the characters' stream of consciousness when it expands itself, and I can't overlook their inner thoughts and feelings, maybe because even when they speak there is so much left unsaid, maybe because I value inner life almost more than what happens on the outside.
> 
> I recently received comments that bothered me. Not hateful but positive ones, that nevertheless belittled this work of mine (or others), in favor of my Itasasu ones, so even though it's pretty obvious I must point out a few things like I did on my blog already: as much I love Itasasu, this is not an Itasasu fic. This is a Shisui/Sasuke fic, and I'm proud of how I managed to write a crackship that no one cares about, building a whole universe for them to happen, and I'm proud of their portrayal and dynamic. So, no matter how much you (and I) love Itasasu, if you're gonna use it to belittle this fic or others, you're not being supportive, just pushy. I don't owe anyone anything. I'm happy if you read and like my stuff but if you don't like my portrayal or themes or plot, if you only care about the smut, if you hoped for a threesome or a triangle or whatever else (even though I said it wasn't since the start), sorry but I don't care. I work hard on my stuff and I'm not gonna change or oversimplify it for someone else's sake. I wouldn't write all these notes to explain myself otherwise.
> 
> If this fic (or others I wrote) bothers you don't read it. If you end up reading it anyway, and can't handle it because it's too dark, angsty, unhealthy or triggering, I don't care either. I won't feel guilty if you whine, and since you're not doing me a favor reading then complaining about it, I'm not gonna reward you either, so do yourself a favor and read something more of your liking.
> 
> To everyone else, enjoy...so to speak.
> 
> On a lighter note, if it's not clear from my description, Itachi is dressed like in Maco's art and doujinshi, which is more or less like in canon, only in black. Instead Sasuke is dressed in black as well, with a high collar sleeveless top like in Twinge's Worst Night doujinshi.

 

> " _There's nothing believable_  
>  _In being honest_  
>  _So cover your lies up_  
>  _With another promise" (Editors, Blood)_

* * *

 

**" _Then...whenever you're ready, brother."_**

* * *

When Itachi raises an eyebrow, not sure what he means, Sasuke adds:

"Didn't you invite me over to test my progress?"

_Just get this over with and let me go, before I mistake your sense of duty for love. Again._

It takes all the self-control Itachi can muster, to not rush to him and hold him tight, whispering that he would never do such thing, that he just wanted to spend some time with his little brother, whom he missed so much that he invited him over despite knowing that an invitation would have been unsettling after the cruel things he told him, that he's enjoying his company even though he can feel he boy's regret, anger and confusion, because the one who called him worthless is now pretending it never happened.

Not wanting to cause the boy any more turmoil, he stands up too, and downplays the situation with a warm smile.

He just wanted to catch up with his brother, nothing more, he explains, trying to make him forget whatever Fugaku instructed him, for certainly their father lectured him about behaving properly with the future clan leader and Hokage, and certainly his words made sense to Sasuke who, after having been humiliated and belittled by him, doesn't think that his brother has any interest in him.

_For a moment Itachi wishes that Sasuke could understand the truth by himself, but it's just a fleeting thought, for if he worked hard so that he wouldn't._

_Since he realized that his feelings for his younger brother were beyond brotherly, Itachi did everything in his power to bury them in the depths of his soul and sublimate them, channeling them into the need to protect him from dangers and attempts to use him as a tool for the clan alike, turning them into the resolve to create a better world for him, the knowledge that he wouldn't be beside him a further way to atone for his desires._

_He would have never wanted Sasuke to suffer because of them -because of him- but when the boy revealed his feelings, so similar to his own yet at the same time so pure and naive, Itachi predicted his future, made of silent longing and unmentionable sadness, or, in case he gave him what he wanted -what both did- of shameful isolation and neverending judgement. His only choice was to eradicate those feelings before they tainted his brother's soul and ruined his life. Before he tainted his soul and ruined his life._

_So he broke his heart and shattered his pride, envisioning that said pride would have saved him, turning the hurt in anger, turning the anger in self-improvement, turning the improvement in pride for his achievements thus allowing him to move on._

_Yet despite he was a genius, the emergency plan he conceived to help Sasuke, wasn't tailored on Sasuke at all, but on someone with a better sense self-worth like Naruto, or himself. Not his brother, who no matter how good his Academy results and shinobi career were, had never been considered impressive because he had always been compared to him, the prodigy, who, of all people, should have known better than anyone else, and yet his actions hurt him the most._

"But I have become stronger," Sasuke insists, clearly confused.

_Maybe Itachi doesn't feel like going to the training fields, maybe he doesn't want to mess up his garden, or maybe he's not interested in sparring with him because he because he still considers him weak, since even though he's an elite shinobi, he's still part of a team, instead of leading one, like he did when he was way younger than him._

_He felt guilty when his father scolded him for this, because as much as he trained hard to become stronger, he didn't care about leading a team._

_As a child he just wanted to work with Fugaku and Itachi, he never thought about rank, he just wanted to be good enough for them, and even though his childhood dream had been destroyed by now, being a leader was not something he wished for._

_He was fine being a special jounin in Shisui's team, the best of all Konoha special squads._

_He was fine being Shisui's disciple, learning from him, obeying to his orders, complying to his requests. Each of them._

"I'm sure you have..."

The elder comments, letting the subject drop after a short silence, by asking him if he would like to be shown around the place.

* * *

Itachi's house is more colorful and lively than their parents'.

The main room is sober and classy yet it has a modern vibe, and the kitchen is full of utensils Sasuke has never seen before, as Izumi likes to collect objects of all kind, as also shown in the room dedicated to her interests and hobbies, a messy place cluttered with half opened boxes everywhere.

It has a very lived-in feel, just like Itachi's spacious study, where books and scrolls crowd the many shelves.

_Itachi said that he only loved one person -the very person whom Sasuke chose to be taught about sex, the very person who became Sasuke's lifeline, the very person for whom Sasuke became a lifeline- and that his marriage, just like being a good brother, was just duty._

_The young Uchiha wonders if Izumi knows, or if she believes that Itachi loves her, like he did._

There's a painting in Itachi's study, an eerie landscape of a mountain, half covered by fog and clouds. To Sasuke it's a perfect representation of him, standing alone, tall and proud, his real feelings _-or lack of-_ covered by his perfect countenance.

It's signed by Hyuuga Hitoshi, Hiashi's father, former clan leader and painter, whose works were greatly appreciated by his clansmen, Itachi explains.

"I think I saw more of his paintings in the Hyuuga district."

The boy says. When asked if he has friends living there, he replies:

"I don't. Father took me there, to meet Hyuuga Hanabi. He says I have to marry her."

_What a weird, annoying afternoon it was, for the both of them._

_They behaved as politely as they could in their fathers' presence, but once left alone, Sasuke minded his own business, looking out of the window, his head resting on his hand, while Hanabi glaring at him, made things clear: she would fight to prevent their marriage from happening, and even in case she lost, she would not make things easy for him._

" _I won't let you fuck me, Uchiha, got it?"_

_Her vehemence and her language shook him out of his thoughts._

" _As if I wanted to marry you...or else," he snorted._

_She relaxed at his comeback; explaining that she had someone already, and that her sister and cousin promised to help her, once they became clan leaders._

" _Your brother will help you too, isn't it?" She asked, and Sasuke remembered the many times he had heard from Shisui that Itachi was set on ending the practice of arranged marriage._

" _Because you are in a relationship too...you were just thinking about that someone, isn't it?" He didn't reply at first, when she repeated the question he scoffed and remarked that it was none of her business, but when she kept pushing, under the pretext that they had to back each other up since they were in the same boat, he admitted that she was right. Sort of._

_She didn't need to know that he had an agreement, not a relationship._

Although imperceptibly, upon Sasuke's words Itachi tenses up.

"Don't worry about it. There won't be need for you to do such thing."

His voice is calm but lower than before, as he already talked Fugaku out of that idea, explaining how a hypothetical son would be a liability, whether they inherited only one clan's abilities, or whether they inherited both, becoming the first of their kind, and reminding him that the clan didn't need for such union, because they were stronger than ever, while despite the Hyuuga were strong too, they were not as stable. Stability is the goal they are aiming at, starting off from Hinata and Neji's marriage, a strongly symbolic gesture that, uniting the two branches, will mark the end of an era made of injustice and slavery, and the beginning of a new one, of justice and equality. Just like Itachi's politics for the clan and the village.

"Why not? It's a shinobi's duty," Sasuke repeats what Fugaku engraved in his mind, voice devoid of emotion, for every hesitation would brand him as unworthy of their clan and unfit to be a shinobi.

_On their way back from the Hyuuga district, Sasuke asked his father what would happen if Hanabi -or him, he murmured- refused the arrangement._

" _Refusing to do your duty would qualify you as a disappointment for the family and a disgrace for the clan. I expect my son, and the future Hokage's brother, to not let anything like that happen."_

_The man replied coldly, looking down on the boy in the same way he used to fear when he was a child, no matter how good his Academy reports were._

"Besides, Father said it was only an informal meeting and that there is nothing official." Sasuke adds, trying to lighten the elder's scrutinizing look from piercing him too deeply, questioning him on a subject he doesn't know much about.

Itachi nods at the new, useful pieces of information.

The purpose of informal meetings was to evaluate a future accord between two parties. Fugaku and Hiashi had once envisaged marrying off their second sons, but their young age and their clans' more pressing matters had put the subject aside. Then Itachi had illustrated the dangers of such marriage to their father, and surely someone in the other clan had done the same. The two leaders must have organized that meeting to verify once and for all if a union was feasible or dismiss it forever; it was, theoretically, but both were still more focused on their firstborns, one about to unite the two branches of a clan that had been divided for too long, the other about to lead the clan and the village into peace and prosperity.

Their second sons' fate was nothing but an experiment in comparison. Not for Itachi: his brother's future is everything he cares about, it's everything that matters, and the reason why he sacrificed their relationship.

_He sacrificed more than that: eyes fixed on the future, he destroyed the boy in the present._

For Itachi, who can read Sasuke so easily that he used his feelings against him, it's odd to not be able to decipher his nonchalance in the matter.

Maybe the Hyuuga girl told him that she'll refuse the marriage, thus taking the responsibility away from him.

Maybe Shisui reassured the boy, telling him of the many times his older brother vowed to end arranged marriages.

_He asked Shisui to take the boy under his wing and he's glad that his cousin and former lover succeeded, yet, he misses the times when only he could tranquilize his brother, instead of making him anxious like he does now._

Maybe it's just an act, to convince others, and most of it all to convince himself.

Maybe he's so calm because to him it's not a problem.

_It would be perfect if he actually liked the Hyuuga girl, Itachi muses, and at the same time ironically tragic, because everything he worked for was to make Sasuke's life better, freeing him from the clan's clutches and from their political games._

_Not that it would have been for nothing: it was a small offer, to atone for his forbidden feelings._

Itachi dismisses this possibility as soon as it comes up in his mind; if the boy were interested in the Hyuuga girl, he would be excited and embarrassed, not indifferent and impersonal.

His attitude comes from their father, who filled his mind with his own ideas, and because his brother always sought his acknowledgement, he would do anything to obtain it, including getting married.

_Itachi hates himself thinking about it because he's the one at fault, because he, who used to soften their father's blows to the younger's self-esteem, was the one who destroyed it completely, in a subtle, cruel way that didn't belong to Fugaku._

"Father said...what about what you say, Sasuke…"

The elder asks, instinctively squeezing Sasuke's shoulder, like he used to do in the past.

"What about  _what you want_?"

Under his fingers the younger stiffens up.

Because of that touch, that reminds him of a past that he can't remember without pain, for it was just a lie.

_Sometimes, Shisui squeezes his shoulder too, when he's at his place and they're working on some report or reading or doing something trivial._

_The first times he was reminded of his brother, feeling so angry and sad that he reacted in the only way he knew, provoking his cousin, challenging or disrespecting him so that he'd punish him, so that his touch would become heavy and merciless, for that he could handle._

_That was what he needed to forget. Only more pain could make him forget his pain._

_With time his gesture didn't bring back memories anymore; his hands were different from Itachi's, anyway._

Because of that question, that gives the impression that his brother cares about him, and at the same time sounds like a test he might easily fail, as that's what it really means, Sasuke tells himself, it's just a test. It can't be anything else.

"Does something like that even matter?"

_His feelings, hopes and dreams don't matter if he aims to be perfect like his brother._

_He doesn't matter, he never has, his brother clearly told him._

_He doesn't even matter to Shisui -even if he can take whatever he does to him- he realizes, a fit of silent fear creeping under his skin, remembering that his crowded house from earlier, was nothing like the silent one where he usually hid from the outside world, seeking strong arms and a merciless embrace._

_They just have an agreement though; when did he start thinking that he mattered to him anyway, and why?_

No matter why and how much his younger brother downplays his own future Itachi can't do the same. Sasuke needs him -he always did- but after the rejection he doesn't let him close to his deepest self, and Itachi can't force himself on hm, he can only try and reconnect little by little, and give him a little hope for the future.

_And receive it, for just having his eyes fixed on him as they speak feels like a blessing to the elder._

"It matters to me, Sasuke," he says, looking serious but reassuring at the same time, "I will change the way these things went  _so far_."

Would he have changed the way things went for him and Izumi if had he had the chance? Would he have arranged for him to be with Shisui, whom he had loved more than anyone? Sasuke wonders briefly.

He never saw his brother show pain for the end of his relationship. He once asked Shisui about it, all he was told was that it was a mutual decision.

Sasuke expected nothing less from the two prodigies and heroes who saved the Uchiha clan and the village: they weren't like him, who felt a knot in his stomach every time Itachi was mentioned, who needed his cousin to make those feelings go away.

_Sasuke knows Shisui's dark side -the side of him that slipped out when he tortured, killed and beheaded Danzo and threw his head at his Anbu's feet, and that after that moment he kept under strict control, because he didn't want Itachi to see him as anything less than perfect- better than anyone, he doesn't investigate the reasons behind its existence because it's a part of who he is. It's a part of why he seeks him out._

_Thus he ignores that the elder suffers almost as much as he does._

_That's why they seek each other as a lifeline, even though they're the reason for each other's pain in the first place._

The thought of Shisui somehow eases Sasuke's tension; somehow, whether he wants it or not, he keeps coming to his mind.

His cousin told him not to think too much about his supposed future marriage. So far, he turned down a couple proposals already -he could do what he wanted because Fugaku and the elders considered him a hero, and a loose cannon to be left alone, he added, a sadistic gleam flashing in his eyes- but he had a feeling that sooner or later they'd force him to marry some random person. That's why he entrusted Itachi with this: whether it was against people, social constructs or old time habits, the future clan leader and Hokage hated to lose.

Besides, in the unlikely event that he lost, worrying didn't help, as there would be nothing he could do anyway, the Teleporter continued, then he mysteriously added that he had the feeling he would not marry her, because of his brother or Hanabi. He just knew, he said.

_After months imprisoned and tortured, then hidden and protected in the Hyuuga district, Shisui made friends there. Thanks to them he knew that Hanabi used to be a good shinobi and an obedient daughter, but she changed when she became a chuunin, becoming hot-headed and sleeping around. She calmed down when she got involved with an Inuzuka. This calmed her down, so to speak, at least until her relationship was threatened: she was overheard furiously arguing with her father, yelling that she wouldn't marry anyone but the one she chose, that she would rather desert the village and live like a rogue with her man than let a random Uchiha fuck her._

_Remembering that Sasuke told him she said something similar during their meeting, Shisui was laughing as he recounted the incident._

" _She's ballsy, I give you that. I kinda like her. I'm almost rooting for your marriage, you two aren't that different, so grumpy and blunt. Your children would probably be little demons…"_

_They weren't similar either, the younger Uchiha thought, scoffing and shaking his head. She didn't seem interested in wanting her father's recognition, unlike him. She trusted her sister with her life, like he used to, before said brother rejected him as worthless._

" _I'm not gonna fuck her, anyway."_

_Sasuke sighed, glaring at the other who wouldn't stop laughing, offhandedly pushing him sideways, to make him lose balance and possibly shut up._

" _You only like to be fucked huh?"_

_Shisui teased, not moving an inch, instead blocking his hand, his other arm crawling over the his pale chest, feeling his muscles twitch under his fingers._

" _You're a damn pervert," Sasuke glowered, but the other was already on him, grinding his hips against him, and whispering, as he breathed against his ear, that so was he._

" _It's..not like that"._

_The boy managed to stutter between moans._

_If he wanted sex he could have had it with his team mates, friends and comrades, as the elder himself had pointed out when their relationship -no, their agreement- had started._

_It's not like that because to Sasuke their relationship -no, their agreement- is different._

_Shisui is different. He is his lifeline._

_He doesn't need to explain it further, anyway. For Shisui it's different too._

_It's not just sex. It's an expression, a glorification of power, he used to think at first, until he realized that there was more. That Sasuke was his lifeline. That he is his lifeline._

_Whether they drown or make it to the shore it doesn't matter._

* * *

The house seems smaller from the outside, but inside it's spacious and well structured.

There are two guest rooms, the first one is decorated with white accents, the second one with different shades of blue, from the indigo tones to a big painting of a bird soaring in a clear blue sky.

_Sasuke admires it for quite a long time, beside him, Itachi admires him instead._

_The boy is similar to him in facial structure and lean but taut build, although he's thinner and shorter. They both are wearing black clothes, although he's wearing a sleeveless top with a high collar while the elder is wearing a collarless top with a mesh shirt underneath that he doesn't really need to wear outside missions, but some habits are hard to let go._

Itachi says that he was thinking about him when he chose its decor. When the younger expresses his appreciation, sincerely liking the colors and style, he adds that this is going to be his room, whenever he'll want to come.

"Why would I do that?"

Sasuke asks, his expression going from surprised to confused, because they neither work nor train together so he would never be too tired to go to his own home and rest after sparring or a mission, so why would his brother want him around? Why would he even think about him, let alone bother decorating an amazingly beautiful room for him, after he looked down on his feelings, rejected them cruelly and unmistakably, referring to Shisui as the only one he had loved once, and to him as worthless?

"Why would you not?"

Itachi replies, posture relaxed yet eyes unreadable.

_Controlling himself so not to startle him, so not to do something he might regret._

"Brother," Sasuke's voice wavers slightly, "What does  _this_ mean?"

He steadies it when he speaks again, replying to his brother's unasked question.

"This invitation. Even if you didn't check my progress. Your offer to cook for me. Why? Why, after everything you said that day?"

_Do you think that I don't remember every single word you used to break my heart?_

_Do you think that I don't remember the cold look you gave me as you shattered my hopes and dreams?_

"Even this room," the boy continues, his eyes angry and sad and lost, his tone faltering again, from low to loud, then low again.

"Is it some kind of joke? Is it a test? To prove what? What did I do wrong?"

Itachi tilts his head.

"It's neither a joke nor a test...Please Sasuke, relax."

_He knows that Sasuke can't do that, but he still says it, because he still hopes that his brother will heal from the pain he caused him, because he still hopes that things will return as they used to be, before he destroyed everything._

"Then what is it? Why are you acting like you love me?"

Sasuke shouts.

If Fugaku witnessed his outburst he would have scolded him for having disrespected his older brother and superior in rank, no matter the reason behind it; well aware of it, the boy immediately regrets it, as maybe it really was a test and he just failed it.

"I do."

Itachi simply replies, his look dead serious.

_He doesn't say more, hoping that it will be enough, yet knowing that it won't._

"No you don't. You were clear about it."

Sasuke sighs, diverting his gaze, trying not to sound too hurt or resentful, because the elder and their cousin had a relationship yet they don't sound hurt and resentful towards each other, in fact they're still best friends, just like they're the best shinobi and if he wants to be as strong as them he must not behave like a childish, selfish weakling, even though he is hurt and resentful, and he's also tired and confused, and the only thing he's sure of it's that he doesn't want to stay there anymore, he just wants to leave, no matter what etiquette requires, no matter what his brother will tell their father, he just wants to submit to Shisui, seeking refuge in his arms, beneath his body and teeth, he just wants to be punished for what he did and what he is and what he's not. Whatever, as long as he stops thinking.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll take my leave, brother."

With his last bit of manners he bows slightly, his language and gesture a combination of Fugaku's conditioning, a bitter mockery of respect and a way to distance himself from the one who used etiquette to hide his contempt for him in the past.

_As if he were saying that this visit is just duty for him too._

_Which isn't a lie: he would like to visit the brother who loved him for real, not the one who pretended to do so, not the one who still does, and since that brother never existed he just wants to leave and forget about rank and manners and respect for him, and go respect someone else. Or rather, disrespect him, and take the punishment his mentor and master sees fit, until he forgets everything and everyone._

Sasuke turns his back to his brother, too hastily to appear as calm as a strong shinobi should be. The sudden movement makes his high collar flutter; that's when Itachi spots a bite mark between the back of his neck and his shoulder.

_His precious brother, the pure creature born after the war, being bitten -being marked- during a sexual encounter: the thought is unsettling, almost repulsing for Itachi, even if he knew that it would happen sooner or later._

_He would have bet on Naruto, but having the blond been with him in Suna, he would have known. He wonders if it's a former teammate or someone from their clan, but he's afraid that such nasty bite was made by an older partner who took advantage of his naivete, like Kakashi, a good teacher whose passion for porn books was not a mystery._

I know the way out, Sasuke mumbles. Even his words seems to be in a rush to put Itachi's mind games behind.

_As if he could do it, without Shisui's hands and teeth all over him._

"Sasuke, wait."

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't ship Itaizu but I like writing them in this AU. They have a cool house, they're like roommates and (almost) best friends, they're supposed to be a serious married couple but they're not, it contrasts with their strict upbringing and current position. They're not in love, they both have their interests, their private pain and lost love, and they accept and respect each other and they express their quirks freely with the other, at least Izumi. My portrayal of her is different, she isn't flashed out much anyway but I didn't want her to be another random girl with no personality, I prefer her to have her own life and lost love, it makes her more like a rounded character.
> 
> Sasuke is a sensitive person who doesn't like injustice in any form, so he's kind of sympathetic towards her, not knowing if Itachi lied to her as well.
> 
> I don't ship Sasuke/Hanabi but it was fun to write them, also I like imagining, reading and writing Sasuke interacting with pretty much anyone. I don't remember Hanabi in canon, only that she was better than Hinata at fighting so she was her father's favourite. In this AU she's free from pressure, thus more hot headed, while Hinata isn't spineless as she's working with her soulmate Neji to fix their clan, unlike in canon (oops, I wonder if canon fans are gonna act salty over this).
> 
> In this AU Itachi is totally future oriented, so much that he sacrificed the present, like his relationship with Sasuke. It's like in canon, only in a different context, as tragedy isn't epic but intimate, as Sasuke's life wasn't at stake but nevertheless his heart and self esteem were broken. As in canon, Itachi is controlling and he hates to lose. He wants to do things his own way, because he's a genius, he thinks he knows better than anyone else, which he usually does, but his ways are extreme and painful, because he has seen war at 4, he has been a child soldier, an Anbu captain and a double agent since he was 10. And since in this universe Itachi is respected and admired, he hasn't massacred the clan or given up to his honor, despite his stoic façade and his visionary mind, he is human. Which also means jealous, although not in the blatant, obnoxious, OOC way of most Itasasu fics, but a silent, private jealousy that he tries to push aside, and when he can't, he rationalizes it until it becomes part of his personality, of his protectiveness over Sasuke, of his controlling side. Here there are snippets of it, from not being the one who comforts Sasuke anymore unlike Shisui to Hanabi. Next chapter will have more.
> 
> Although obviously in a different context for Itachi's behavior I was inspired by the scene where, as they're about to fight, Itachi casually comments that Sasuke got taller. Here he's relaxed, observant and unreadable. He knows that Sasuke is uncomfortable and in pain but he chooses to ignore it, because he wants to have him close, even if he freaks out, like he does in the end.
> 
> As honest and pure as he is, like in canon he asks pure questions and expects honest answers, which with Itachi, a mysterious person, a former spy used to tell everything but the truth is hard to obtain, to say the least.
> 
> They're living in a formal environment where etiquette and respect are fundamental, and Sasuke doesn't have to avenge his clan against him, but just like in canon he is wary and figuratively ready to react.
> 
> Itachi's rejection didn't just mean a rejection his romantic feelings and attraction but also, most of it all, the loss of his brother, the most important figure in his life, the one he misses terribly. It doesn't mean he loves him less, only that he has been hurt so much that he's trying to protect himself. 
> 
> Besides, he started a relationship with Shisui, a weird one but also a strong one, since he only had Shisui when he lost Itachi, and Shisui became very important for him, without him realizing it.
> 
> I'm well aware that those who are interested in this story will want me to hurry up and upload the rest, since the chapter ends...uh...abruptly. I'll upload next chapter soon, I promise.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is officially my longest fic, as the other long ones all ended after 12 chapters. It's almost over though, depending on how much things will expand there will be one or maybe 2 chapters more. I can say that I'm really proud of it, from the setting to each character's portrayal to their dynamics, to the underlying themes. This story is very important for me, and not only because it's the only ShisuixSasuke and I don't get why there are more fics for weirder pairings, so I hope that someone will consider the pairing because of me, and write more.
> 
> I guess this is a long awaited chapter for those who were waiting for Itachi and Sasuke's moment. I didn't write certain details on purpose, but I might make an Itasasu oneshot out of this.
> 
> Anyway the main pairing is still Shisasu. I think that Itachi and Sasuke's bond is the strongest and more complex in the manga, full of light and darkness, and in my writing I never shy away from the latter, even though I always balance it with the positive things. In this fic, instead, I mostly focus on its dark sides. I think that they're each other's salvation and damnation at the same time, since both lived for the other...but in this fic in their bond there's more damnation than salvation. 
> 
> For Sasuke's reasonings I kept in mind that in canon he is the most introspective character, that he has deep thoughts and that he expresses only a fraction of them.
> 
> This is random if written as beginning notes but the end notes were too long already so I pasted some here. I describe their beauty at some point, I see Itachi as beautiful in a manly yet classy, refined way, lean but well built and obviously strong, threatening even, in a calm, composed way. His composure and perfect manners give him a statuesque kind of beauty. Sasuke is strong but he's younger, shorter and thinner compared to Itachi, he's lithe and pale, with haunted eyes, his beauty is more dollish, and decadent, he looks vulnerable when he's all bruised and bloodied. Shisui is taller and more muscular than both, he's handsome and manly and very human as his facial shape and nose are less perfect.
> 
> As usual there's a lot of inner dialogues and reasonings that break the flow of events. Like I always say it's my style, I value what happens on the inside as much as what happens on the outside, sometimes even more.
> 
> Itachi "suggesting" Sasuke to breathe is a sort of metaphor of the power he has over him.
> 
> I noticed that usually Sasuke is written as the more talkative one but I think it's the opposite. In canon it's Itachi who talks more, even though he's mysterious and silent. He's got the most appropriate manners, while Sasuke is curt. He makes random comments at Sasuke even when they're enemies. Sasuke mostly asks questions instead, he did so since he was a child, and then he listens to Itachi's answers, so when I write them and their dialogues I always write Itachi as the one who talks more, while Sasuke speaks less but when he does until he lets everything out honestly and bluntly. Here Itachi spills out everything he bottled up so far, as he didn't have an outlet, unlike Sasuke who has Shisui.
> 
> Like I said many times I see Itachi as a very assertive person and Sasuke as a passive one especially in relationships. With Shisui, with whom he's in a relationship, he's defiant but passive still, with Itachi it's even more evident because he puts him on a pedestal, so he doesn't initiate anything, like during the fight vs Kabuto, where he talks to him and follows his lead, even raising his voice and pouring out all his emotions, but he never touches him, and he's very respectful of their roles, since Itachi is the older brother, which in their culture counts a lot, and most of it all he's the one he wants to be led by.
> 
> I look Sasuke's teammates' up every single time, to remember who's who, but I enjoy writing them a lot.
> 
> By the way, the reason my notes are so long is that I want readers to understand why I write what I write, and what's behind my creative process, from choices to inspirations and reasoning. In fact I wrote more notes, about recurring and underlying themes, like acceptance of the others and of one's self, idealization, desires and needs, being selfless and/or selfish, I'll upload them next chapter. Where, among all things, Itachi and Shisui will have a confrontation, since now Itachi knows.
> 
> On a different note, I don't know when I'll upload the next chapter. My thoughts are constantly on this fic, I put every other on hiatus to work on it, but there's going to be an Uchiha Week on tumblr and I'd like to participate with one (or maybe more) oneshots for Itasasu or rarer pairings. Apologies in advance.

 

> " _I've been waiting so long_  
>  _So long so long so long  
>  __This is just a feeling this is reality  
>  __Take me away_ _away away_ _" (Ikon, I've Been)_

* * *

**"Sasuke, wait."**

* * *

Itachi grabs Sasuke's wrist to stop him. The boy glares at him, regret and hope and fear unwillingly flickering in his darkened look.

_Sasuke never stopped loving him, he just built walls around his real feelings._

_Itachi knows how to tear them down; he also knows that he shouldn't, for everything he did was in order to set his brother free from the very feelings that he had been harboring as well, the same feelings that would have ruined him forever if he hadn't put distance between them in the cruelest, yet most effective way. Even though now he isn't entirely sure if his cruelty was to make sure that Sasuke would forget him or to punish himself, just like he isn't entirely sure if he's acting kindly to ease his brother's suffering or to reward himself._

_Just like he isn't entirely sure if he's about to destroy everything he worked for so far just because Sasuke seems to have someone, or because whomever he's seeing is not the right person. They wouldn't leave such marks on him if they were._

_He has all the right to be worried about the one he swore to protect. Besides, the boy hasn't forgot about him, or he wouldn't look at him with the same love and admiration he had as a child, and the same sadness for being left behind._

He closes the distance between him and Sasuke, his wide open, scared eyes, giving him the courage to move again.

_Or robbing him of his courage and resolve. Itachi can't tell._

"I love you, Sasuke."

Itachi's eyes draw Sasuke inside their pitch black mystery, as his low, melodious voice says the words he would have always wanted to hear.

"Why are you doing this...just stop joking..."

The young Uchiha didn't mean to speak in such soft, pleading voice, reminding the elder of the times he followed him around to play, looking sad, sometimes even pleading him to stay, when he refused because he had to leave.

_How ironic that now he's pleading his big brother to let him go._

"...I love you. And I want you more than words can say."

Itachi continues, eyes locked into the other's, inwardly hating himself for not being able to stop his tongue from giving out the secrets he kept so far, for letting out the forbidden feelings he intended to keep away from his pure brother.

"I want you so badly that sometimes I can barely breathe when I think about you. I want you so badly that I couldn't keep you close to me...not when your feelings were so similar to mine. You don't even know what  _those feelings_ meant but I did. I couldn't let  _them_ taint you. I couldn't let my hands taint you. I had to make you hate me or I would have taken you, corrupting you forever. Ruining your life forever."

Sasuke's mouth is open, as if he wanted to say something but words never come.

His brother speaks again, his voice no longer even and relaxed, but strained and struggling, as he pours out everything he's been feeling and thinking until this very moment.

"There's no understanding, no forgiveness towards incest. I couldn't give in to my feelings, no matter how strong, no matter if they're mutual, because everything I worked for, everything I am working for, everything I'm planning to achieve...the peaceful world that will no longer use people as tools that I'm planning to achieve  _for you_ , would be nullified. And, most of it all, your reputation would be destroyed. In the eyes of society we would be sick and depraved, but since the village and the clan are grateful to me, they would blame you, not me and not both, just you, and no achievement of yours, no matter how impressive, would ever erase their perception of you. I couldn't let this happen, even though it meant hurting you."

The elder's look is dark with the vision he just described, and at the same time, more honest and open than it has ever been as far as the boy can remember.

_It's almost vulnerable. Scared, even, as he might have lost his precious person forever. As he might have lost him to someone else -someone wrong- forever._

"Why...Why didn't you...instead of…"

Sasuke can only mutter, his tongue unable to articulate what's in his mind.

_Why didn't you tell me all this instead of breaking my heart?_

_A simple question that has no simple answer and they both know it._

_Sasuke knows that Itachi is a genius that even their father didn't always understand._

_Itachi knows that his brother, the pure creature born after the war, sees things differently, as expected of someone who's never seen a battlefield in his childhood, who didn't become an Anbu assassin and a double agent at ten, who was ordered to slaughter his clan and have his brother's life spared at thirteen. Sasuke only vaguely remembers the tension back then, unlike Itachi, who also remembers the relief he felt when it was over, and the worry when strategies and political games came up again in Council and clan meetings. He couldn't trust anyone but Shisui back then, as no matter how everyone seemed to support his vision he knew they were just siding with the winner and that they would turn their backs on him if he didn't beat them at their own game, which he did, as he was always many steps ahead of them all._

_He should have trusted his little brother but he didn't, as he knew that even though Sasuke had always respected him, even though he was smart enough to understand anything he would tell him, he wouldn't have simply put his feelings aside on his request. He needed to see his older brother in a negative light, all the while focusing on something else, like becoming stronger and better than him._

"This...this is a joke. A test. A lie. It...it can't be…"

_It can't be that you looked straight into my eyes -like you're doing right now- and calmly said that you never cared about me, when you always did._

_It can't be that you dismissed my feelings when you wanted to protect me from yours._

_It can't be that you laughed at my body's reaction to you being so close, when you felt the same for me._

_It can't be that you said you loved someone else, when you only love me instead._

When Itachi closes the distance between them, Sasuke takes a step back, his body remembering the last, tragic time it happened, his heart beating furiously, his mind blank.

When Itachi leans his forehead on Sasuke's, the boy involuntarily holds his breath, only remembering to exhale when, still connected, the other opens his mouth slightly, as to suggest him to do so.

When Itachi activates his eyes, to show him proof of what he just said, Sasuke can't help but shiver. There's no escape from his brother's doujutsu, anyway.

* * *

A kaleidoscope of images and feelings storms upon Sasuke: his brother's memories, the deepest part of his soul, that he always guarded from everyone, especially from him.

_It's like gazing into the abyss_ _._

He feels his brother's struggle against his forbidden feelings towards the pure creature born after the war.

He feels his shame for the attraction that drew him towards his younger brother as he was growing up.

He feels his self-loathing, for he was supposed to protect him from the world, not from himself.

He feels his fear in discovering the mutuality of those feelings and desires, a fear so strong that required extreme measures to protect his purity and future, even if it meant breaking the heart of the one he loved and stomping on its pieces until he hated him.

He feels the elder's sadness at the loss of the one whose undying devotion and sincere adoration -not for the genius and the hero but for the brother- were the light in his bleak life.

He feels his resolve to sublimate his impossible passion by devoting himself to set Sasuke free from everything that might weigh him down and turn him into the tool he had been.

_He's not shown Itachi requesting Shisui to take him under his wing, to guide and support him because he couldn't do it anymore, even though he didn't trust him as much as he used to, because while he kept working to achieve his goal of a better world for his precious person, the elder had become jaded and cynical, as he had no one to protect, especially not after he ended their relationship -there was just one person the Uchiha prodigy wasn't able to read, thus he didn't suspect that their breakup hid different, deeper and more painful reasons._

_He's not shown Itachi knowing that Sasuke would have mixed feelings towards his cousin, not just affection for the one who taught him how to swim, gratitude for a hero who saved his life from Danzo, and admiration for his strength, but also jealousy for his brother's former lover, thus he would never be replaced in his heart._

It's like floating on the clouds, swept away by the wind, not really knowing where he is and where he's going.

_It's like drowning, except there's no water, so maybe he doesn't need a lifeline. Or does he?_

It's like dreaming; after all a genjutsu is a lucid dream, although induced by someone else.

_Maybe he needs a lifeline, to shake himself out of it. Would he take it?_

Like in a dream, something feels off, an afterthought in the recess of his mind, while the rest of him is overwhelmed by the sudden and unexpected revelation.

When he's back to his senses, Itachi is no longer so close that their breathing mingles. He's leaning on the window, attentively watching him, his eyes turned black again.

_While he was gazing into the abyss, the abyss was gazing back._

"Niisan…"

Sasuke's voice is barely a whisper.

"Sasuke, I'm sorry…"

Itachi's simple words are filled with emotion, that makes his apology even more meaningful. Yet Sasuke doesn't feel offended or angry; he's in awe, for everything Itachi does is perfect, so much that he can't tell genjutsu from reality and lies from truth.

_Shisui always says that he lacks self preservation. He knows it more than anyone, he adds, pinning him down as he fights back. He likes it more than anyone, he reiterates with a feral smirk, looming over him as the boy stops squirming_ _and bares his throat to him_ _._

_Shisui The Teleporter is very dangerous, he warned the young Uchiha the moment he accepted to teach him anything he wanted to know, and Sasuke knew what he got himself into -it was exactly what he needed- and the more he put his teachings into practice, the more heated and messed up things became, just like his cousin' actions on that fated night, when he tortured and killed Danzo then threw his head at his Anbu's feet, as a warning that they'd be next if they dared oppose him._

_Itachi is a different kind of dangerous. The danger he brings is mysterious, hidden behind mild manners and etiquette, as unknown as his secret mission to exterminate their clan and keep his brother alive, even though forever alone, forever thinking that he did it on a whim, forever believing a lie._

_This idea raises many questions: what if he's lying again? He said that being a caring brother was a lie and that, in truth, he never loved him, then he said that not loving him was a lie to protect him and that, in truth, he had loved him, but what if the latter was the lie instead? What if in truth Itachi saw him as the worthless little brother he was bound by duty? What if he had been sincere when he had called him worthless? What if his confession was fake, and he was acting on a whim, or he was testing him, as he first assumed? Which confession should the younger believe, the one made with cruel words and cold eyes, or the one made with heartfelt words and burning eyes?_

_Most of it all, how could he choose between truth and lies if both are expressions of his beloved older brother, genius and hero, future clan leader and Hokage?_

He takes a few staggering steps towards the elder but he stops at arms length.

It's Itachi who hugs him tighter than he ever did, as if he might disappear if he loosened his grip.

_As if he might disappear in someone else's arms forever._

Sasuke goes lax into his strong arms, face buried in his chest, inhaling his comforting scent, just like he did when he was a child, scared by the storm outside.

_Except the storm is inside._

_Except the storm is all around him, wrapping him tight._

It's Itachi who tilts his chin up, reveling in their proximity and drinking in all the details of his brother's face, so similar to his own, with the same eye shape, straight nose and high cheekbones, yet so different, so full of contrasts -raven black hair on moonlight skin, doll-like beauty on sharp personality- so full of life and passion and suffering and love. His lips, slightly plumper than his own, slightly open, draw him closer. And closer.

He should have asked permission to kiss them, so the boy -his eyes inviting him, his body not expecting it- wouldn't have flinched; instead, he strokes his arms and shoulders to coax him and calm him down.

_When his brother lifts his chin up, Sasuke too takes in every detail of his brother's features, like the warm tones of his complexion and hair, so unlike his cool tones, his mane so straight and luscious unlike his spiky, messy mop, their resemblance only superficial, for Itachi is the embodiment of perfection, his tear troughs adding an earthy quality to his beauty, at the same time manly and sophisticated, strong and aethereal, like the statue of a god, in a temple to prayed and adored and revered and feared._

_Completely charmed, like a prey immobilised by a predator ready to pounce on him, the younger doesn't see the kiss coming and doesn't expect it to happen, thus when their lips touch he flinches, only to relax when the elder strokes his arms and shoulders, shaking him out of his reverie. After all, this is what he wanted._

_This is what he wanted._

_Is this what he wanted?_

_Is this what he wants?_

It's Itachi who guides him into another kiss, tracing his bottom lip with his thumb, his movements opening Sasuke's mouth, giving him access to a slow contact where they savor each other, until it gradually becomes more intimate, heated and passionate, their hands moving in sync with their tongues.

_Itachi's touches are sensual, confident and affectionate yet burning like fire, as he pulls the boy closer, one arm encircling his waist, the other wrapped around his neck, forearm resting on his shoulder, fingers buried in his black locks._

_Sasuke's touches are tentative, reverential and light as feathers, his fingers tracing the contours of Itachi's face, then delicately untying his long silky hair, smiling at the view._

It's Itachi who breaks it, only because Sasuke needs to breathe -they both do.

It's Itachi who stays still instead of kissing him again, for his brother is the most beautiful image he has ever seen, especially now that his cheeks are flushed, his lips are wet and swollen, his breathing is ragged, his look almost intoxicated.

_Like a prey throwing himself at the powerful predator that charmed him._

"I'd better stop now, or you will regret it later."

_Sasuke is pure. He has always been._

_That's why he distanced himself from him, breaking his heart and tearing his soul apart, so that his forbidden feelings and his impure desires would never taint him._

_He's still pure, even though he has been tainted by someone else._

He doesn't expect Sasuke's dreamy, clouded eyes to refocus so quickly.

"I won't," his voice is slightly cracked, "I won't regret anything."

_Or will he? The question crosses his mind for a moment, along with the image of Shisui, his look, sometimes so dark and threatening that he understands why he was so feared during the war, sometimes so piercing that he feels naked and exposed even when he's fully clothed, knowing that the elder knows everything about him, whether he told him or not. Whether he'll tell him or not -not that he doesn't want to hide anything from him, it would be useless anyway._

_Why is he even thinking about him? Why is he wondering what he might say or think about this? Why is he remembering Shisui's house full of people from earlier, and that annoying feeling that seems so much like fear, at the thought that maybe he was doing things with someone, in the very room where he does things to him?_

_It's not like they are in a relationship after all; theirs is just an agreement, as his cousin defined it when it started. Then why is he thinking about him now?_

"You will...You're regretting it even now…"

Itachi says, as he sees a flicker of uncertainty in Sasuke's eyes. It could be, despite his feelings for him, the natural reaction of being kissed by a blood brother; it could be sudden fear giving him clarity of thought before he goes down a slippery, dangerous path; or it could be the thought of someone else.

_Itachi should be glad if his little brother had more self preservation that he imagined, he tells himself, and he should be glad if he had feelings for someone who won't ruin him as much as he inevitably will, yet he's neither glad nor relieved, and he hates himself for that._

It only lasts a moment though, like a passing cloud, before Sasuke's look returns the same as when he was a child.

This alone should keep him from continuing, Itachi knows that, yet his hands seek the face he caressed so many times, when he was a shinobi with a burnt childhood, and the other a tiny bundle whose little fingers sought his bigger hand.

Sasuke sounds more determined when he speaks again.

"I'm not regretting anything. I want this. And you want this...You want me..."

Itachi doesn't stop stroking his cheek and running his finger through his messy bangs.

"Don't say it, Sasuke, or I..."

_Or I won't be able to control myself anymore. Or I'll take your body and soul for myself, away from anyone else, and I'll never let you go, no matter how immoral and wrong and dangerous for you it is._

A strand of hair almost covers his eye; the elder tucks it behind his ear, for he wants to see all of his beautiful face.

"You said you want me, niisan," the younger fills his brother's sudden silence, as his affectionate gesture makes him feel safe, almost daring, "And I'm not a kid anymore: I know that _things like these_  happen all the time, and I know that people do whatever they want as long as they...keep them private."

He doesn't say 'as long as they don't get caught', the exact words he heard from Asao, because they sound disrespectful towards his older brother, future clan leader and Hokage. Somehow, what Itachi said about society blaming him only and not the elder, makes sense to him, for why blame someone so perfect for not following rules that are below him?

There's another silence, for something feels off for the both of them.

Despite knowing that he's grown up and that he's in a team of adults, for Itachi it's odd, almost unsettling, to hear his brother, the pure creature born after the war, mention things like having an affair and not get caught.

For Sasuke speaking those words it's just as odd. He's not interested when his team mates discuss such matters. He doesn't flaunt his relationship  _-no, his agreement-_  but he doesn't hide it either, and the same does Shisui, it's nothing like having an affair. Their team knows, or they imagine  _-or they knew before it even happened, or they knew it would happen-_  because for them it's natural to relieve the tension with a fellow shinobi, whether one is in a relationship or not, whether one is married or not. They don't know the details of their bond or their activities, but they wouldn't care anyway: just like Hiro likes feet and Naoru likes every single woman, Shisui likes to hurt and Sasuke likes to be hurt. To each their own.

_On the other hand, even though they don't flaunt whatever they have, they are fine with Fugaku and Itachi not knowing about them, because that's their thing, in their own world, whether it is inside the elder's walls or in a dingy inn room or in a luxurious noble house._

_More than a real worry it's like their game, where after Shisui is done tying him up, manhandling and biting and ravishing him, he jokingly says that they'd kill him if they saw what he just did to the young Uchiha, who first scoffs then ends up speculating on their possible methods of torture._

_Even more than just a game, for Shisui it's a way to let the boy talk, although in a different way, about the ones he admires, the ones who let him down. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, like the last time, when he was admiring the intricate criss-cross pattern of a horse whip he took from the Daimyo's brother's stables, and the boy was panting heavily, his face scrunched in a grimace of pain that turned into sadness at his joke. Only later, as he was healing him, Sasuke told him that his father had compared his shinobi career to his brother's again, treating him like a disappointment. He didn't need to say it out loud, but he thought that they wouldn't care much about what the elder did to him, except for shame for having such a weak, pathetic person in their family._

The younger looks less determined, his voice less firm as he speaks again.

"Unless you... didn't like it."

_How could Itachi not like everything about him? How could he not have liked kissing the soft lips that he forced himself not to look at since he realized his desires?_

Itachi is not prepared to hear what he says next.

"Because...I know how to kiss you  _now_. I can...pleasure you,  _now_."

Sasuke is embarrassed as he indirectly refers to the cruel things the elder told him that day, when he belittled his chaste kiss to make him forget about his feelings for him.

His broken words aren't many but for Itachi they say a lot. Sasuke's casual reference to pleasuring him, as if he's talking about a new technique, means that he had a relationship, or more than one, and that he sees sex as something to be learned and practiced and not an authentic experience between two people.

_What Itachi infers is how it started for Sasuke, but not what it became._

The elder also understands that his rejection didn't hurt his brother's pride in the way he planned; instead it destroyed his self-esteem, making him feel unworthy of him because he didn't have experience on that particular field, thus he  _learned_ and  _trained_ until he was a little less unworthy.

The uncertainty in his touches is a proof of this. Or maybe it is not, maybe it means something else, or rather, someone else; a thought that becomes another wave in the deep dark sea of Itachi's heart, its waters filled with guilt for having dragged his brother down, along with something he almost fails to recognize for what it is, for jealousy isn't becoming of a strong shinobi, along with the curiosity, morbid and painful at the same time, that makes him dissect Sasuke's words so to understand that since he said that he can pleasure him now he had sex with a male, or more than one, which makes him wonder what he did, what was done to him, by with whom and how many times.

_Itachi knows that he shouldn't think about these things, just like he knows that exploring one's own sexuality is natural, in fact he too did it, and he was way younger than him. But that bite is more dangerous than simple exploration, and he never wanted his precious brother, the pure creature born after the war, to degrade himself, allowing someone to defile him in order to learn something that he should have done out of love -he never wanted Sasuke to do with another something that he should have done with him, but the older Uchiha pushes the thought back, while his body pushes him towards the boy instead of strengthening his resolve, his thigh settling between Sasuke's legs._

"And if there's something I don't know..." Sasuke continues, looking straight in Itachi's eyes while tilting his head sideways and baring his throat to him, "...I learn fast."

Once again the elder is conflicted at the utter sadness about the boy who sees himself so undeserving that he must constantly prove his value, even in sex, yet at the same time, the sight of his pale, beautiful, suffering little brother, so strong yet so vulnerable, submitting to the one who damaged him, a prey willingly throwing himself at its predator's feet, he can't help but feel a primal possessiveness.

_Sasuke had or has a lover, but he's right in front of him now, offering himself to him, and whatever reasons, whatever doubts he might have don't matter, because he still loves him, even though he broke his heart and destroyed his self worth. Maybe he needs him to regain it, maybe he just needs him, or maybe it's Itachi who needs the boy; it doesn't matter either._

Itachi descends on the younger's throat bared to him, delicately kissing it first, then brushing his lips all over it, then tracing it with his tongue then devouring it while intertwining his fingers with Sasuke's on both hands. A low, husky moan escaping the boy's lips makes it hard for the elder to maintain his self-restraint; their hands still interlocked, he grabs hold of one of Sasuke's and holding it behind his back he uses it to pull him closer by the waist. Without interrupting his ministrations, with his other hand he pulls his brother's high collar aside, to have access to more of his addictive skin.

As his lips brush the bite mark they both freeze.

_When, a few days before, Shisui left that mark, Sasuke didn't imagine that his brother would invite him over, or how his invitation would turn out, with his brother kissing him, exploring his body, after having confessed that the ugly things he told him were lies. Had he known, he would have let his cousin bite him anyway though, for that bite, like every mark he left on his body, like every jolt of pain and pleasure, like every moment spent together, is his lifeline. He'd drown without them. Without him, for Shisui is his lifeline. That's why it feels weird to be here, before the perfect brother whose attention he always craved, before the incredibly strong, beautiful man for whom he first felt attraction, before the one he loves the most. Yet, precisely because Sasuke loves his brother so much, precisely because he's so perfect, so much closer to a god than a human, how could he not receive his kisses like a blessing? How could he not submit to the touches he didn't even dare dream of, fearing that Itachi would have known somehow? How could he tell if he still wants what he once wanted but was refused to him, when Itachi's godlike presence fills the room and his heart so much that it's almost impossible to breathe, much less think?_

_When Shisui left that mark he didn't imagine that Itachi would invite Sasuke over, throwing everything he worked for, everything he destroyed his brother's heart for, everything he entrusted him to. Had he known, he would have done it anyway, because he's addicted to his cousin, his moans of pain and pleasure at the same time, his strained expression when he puts him in an uncomfortable position that stretches out his lithe body and exposes it to his master's whims, but there's more than that. What he does to him, what the other lets him do to him is his lifeline. He'd drown without them. Without him, for Sasuke is his lifeline._

_Even though he told him that what they have isn't a relationship but an agreement that he can break whenever he wants._

_Had he known, he wouldn't have bothered making the other marks disappear in his unique way,_ _instead he would have left them all, as a reminder, or a threat._

Itachi grazes the bite mark with his teeth and the younger can't suppress a shiver; after that, keeping a slow rhythm becomes impossible.

What happens next is a blissful blur for Sasuke, a dream within a dream -or rather, a nightmare, of his most beloved brother having lied to him about not loving him, instead showing how much he loves him with words and kisses and touches and thrusts.

What happens next is clear as day for Itachi, every kiss, every touch, every inch of the body he takes and claims as his own, making him moan and gasp beneath him, filling it with his seed, is sharply, painstakingly detailed in his senses, mind and heart.

_So much that he understands who's beneath that savage bite._

_A cold rage surges inside him then, turning his sensuous movements into animalistic ones, making him bite Sasuke hard, ramming into him, marking him; only when he realizes that Sasuke's moans turned into pained groans he returns to his senses and slows down, to make love with his most precious person._

_He'll deal with the rest later, he tells himself._

* * *

When their lovemaking is over they lie on the indigo blue futon, the same color that dominates the room, the same color that Itachi associates to Sasuke. The boy leans his head on his older brother's warm, broad chest, while the elder gently strokes his hair, lulling him to sleep even though the younger fights to stay awake, wanting to revel in his tender embrace.

_His silent stubbornness reminds Itachi of their childhood, when he clung to his big brother who just came back from a long mission; the bittersweet memory reminds him that he tainted that child, it reminds him that his precious brother was tainted by someone else -someone he trusted, someone he entrusted the boy to- even before he laid his sinful hands on him, it reminds him that the pure creature born after the war child gave up his innocence because of the cruel things he had told him._

When Sasuke wakes up he's no longer leaning on Itachi's chest. His brother is laying beside him, propping his head on his elbow.

_He did the same when Sasuke was a child; he would watch him as he slept, so pure and vulnerable, and he would swear to himself that he would protect him no matter the cost._

"Niisan.."

He smiles as he exhales the familiar word that for too long he couldn't speak.

"I love you, Sasuke."

Itachi whispers as he smiles back, his fingers playing with the younger's black bangs.

Sasuke is about to reply  _-I love you too, niisan-_  but the elder puts his index on his lips.

_Don't say it or you'll be damned again, little brother._

_Don't say it or I'll be your damnation again and again, little brother._

Although the young Uchiha doesn't understand that gesture he doesn't care, because his brother is smiling the same smile that he only had for him since he can remember, a smile means safety and love and protection, so nothing else matters.

Besides, he's been feeling dizzy, confused, in a drunken haze since Itachi's confession; too much happiness maybe, or the elder's presence is so powerful that it overwhelms him, or both, he can't tell. He can't make complex reasonings, apparently. Or focus.

He doesn't notice that his brother's loving smile turns into a sad one, and when he places his arms at each side of his shoulders, caging him, their faces so close, Sasuke can only lose himself and revel in his warmth, unaware, unknowing, unsuspecting, just like he was as a child, sleeping beside his big brother, who, being a genius, a shinobi since he was able to walk, and a double agent who was ordered to slaughter his entire clan so that his baby brother's life would be spared, even though ruined forever, was awake, aware, all-knowing and not trusting anyone but himself, to protect his precious one. Just like now.

_The most beautiful things in life are powerful and deadly and not meant to be reached._

_Like the Moon: its pale light shining at night makes it seem delicate and welcoming, yet it's cold and deathly, as it's impossible to breathe on it._

_Their love it's like the Moon; no matter how strongly they love each other, no matter how badly Itachi wants to protect Sasuke, he wouldn't be able to breathe if he stayed beside him._

"Sasuke, I'm sorry."

Itachi's voice sounds far away even though they're close; Sasuke asks him why but he can't hear his own voice or the other's, in fact he can't hear or see anything but a weird sensation similar to standing on a surface shaken by an earthquake, or to being swept back and forth by the waves and currents in a dark sea.

He doesn't expect to find himself kneeling on the ground, coughing and panting, trying to breathe through seemingly closed lungs, his brother holding him by the shoulders so that he won't fall face-first. Even though falling shouldn't have been a problem at all, as he was lying down. Both were, and they were naked, but now there's no trace of the indigo black futon that covered them, and they're both clothed, him wearing a sleeveless top with a high collar, the elder is wearing a collarless top with a mesh shirt underneath.

"Brother, what..."

He stutters when he gets a hold of himself.

His fingers tightly gripping him, Itachi's brows are furrowed, his breath hitched, his gaze diverted. When he looks at Sasuke it's through sharingan red eyes.

"Niisan, was it all..."

The three familiar tomoe turn into a pinwheel pattern.

"Tsukuyomi."

The boy doesn't have time to defend himself. As if he could. Or would.

_How could he refuse whatever his perfect brother, as powerful and beautiful and revered as the statue of a god in a temple, has in store for him, even though it's unknown and frightening?_

His lips are parted, his eyes are wide open, traces of tears glisten on his cheekbones. So still and pale and vulnerable he looks like a broken doll, Itachi notices.

"Now go, little brother."

He commands with a firm voice. Sasuke flutters his eyelashes a few times, his eyes darting left and right at incredible speed. Then he stiffly stands up, his movement shaking the elder's hands away from him.

Mechanically, he turns around, heads to the door, slides it and walks away.

_A beautiful, broken doll indeed._

Itachi stands up quickly, but a wave of nausea and an extreme dizziness force him to lean on the wall for support.

Such levels of consecutive genjutsu are very tasking, even for a prodigy like him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Itachi put Sasuke under genjutsu, while in reality only a short time passed, then, he also uses Tsukuyomi on him. It's a quite Inception-like thing, I like that movie very much and I like every narration that questions reality. I didn't do it on purpose but it's inspired by my favourite Itasasu doujinshi, Aishiteru kara wasuremashou by Tosyoen.  
> This is more than cheating: Itachi, who denied himself everything so far, is desperately taking what he wants, rationalizing how bad "the other one" is, telling himself that Sasuke wants him too. Sasuke is completely charmed by Itachi, he sees him as a god above all rules, impossible to resist, and he is afraid that Shisui might not want him anymore.  
> In this fic I explore Itachi's dark, controlling side, the side that doesn't want to lose and that makes him aware of being better than anyone else, the side that to protect Sasuke takes extreme measures, no matter what if Sasuke himself gets hurt. A genius who saw the horrors of war as a child doesn't see things like other people, neither in canon nor here.  
> In this chapter there's a constant pull between Itachi's selfless side, that made him give up to his feelings and turn them into the resolve to create a better world for Sasuke, and his selfish side, that first wanted Sasuke close even though he knew he was making him uncomfortable, and that now is jealous of Sasuke once he sees that he has someone. Itachi isn't the typical openly possessive person, his possessiveness is colder and mysterious, it's mostly part of his controlling personality, that wants to decide what's better for Sasuke, and who's better too. He rationalizes his jealousy, telling himself that Sasuke's partner is bad. He's almost detached from his body when his possessive, dark side takes over, and he marks Sasuke, becoming exactly like the one whom he wanted to protect Sasuke from.  
> He really wants Sasuke to be happy with someone else, but so far he went from being showered by Sasuke's adoration to seeing him with living his own life without anyone close (so he thought...), from knowing that Sasuke can't be his but not seeing him as someone else's "so to speak.  
> Itachi is a genius but he's also human, with strength and weaknesses. He sends Sasuke mixed feelings, he initiates things but he stops, then he touches him again; he feels something's off when Sasuke talks about affairs, because it's not how his pure brother should talk, but he's tender and loving to him anyway. His resolve crumbles when he's afraid to have lost Sasuke, yet what seems an impulsive action, erased in the end. Or he planned to do this since the start, who knows. He's steps ahead of everyone.  
> There's a difference between Itachi and Sasuke's feelings here: they both love each other immensely but while Itachi's feelings are the same as they were when the story started, Sasuke's relationship with Shisui evolved into something important even without them realizing it. His feelings for Shisui are so strong that he's afraid that his cousin doesn't want him anymore, having seen people in his house earlier. His feelings for Itachi became the adoration, fear and sacred reverence for a god...which is not that different from canon. He does see Itachi as godlike perfect, impassive and beautiful even when he hurts him, contrasting with Shisui's smirk when he hurts him instead, as Shisui is human, a strong, admirable human but not godlike, and so is Sasuke, who also sees himself as flawed.  
> In fact he isn't angry or sad at Itachi's lies, but in awe and since he loves him like a superior being he just accepts everything from him, he's dazed and completely charmed by him, he can't even thing of refusing...Even though he doesn't know if this is still what he wants. For him it's already a dream that Itachi loves him. In a way, putting Itachi on a pedestal is a subconscious way of distancing himself from him.  
> For his initial disbelief at his confession I was inspired by his disbelief when Obito tells him the truth, as he trusts his brother's words so much even though they're lies, that it's hard for him to know that they were lies.  
> A part of him is guarded, so he does question things, as he's been rejected by him already. It's because of Shisui and their relationship, since the thought of Shisui comes up at various moments. If he didn't have Shisui he would be like in canon, not only forgiving him but being ready to follow him forever.  
> Itachi's speech when he tells Sasuke about the consequences of their incest is totally future oriented, he's so ahead of everyone that he sees beyond them. This doesn't mean he's always right, in fact he misses the destructive impact of his rejection on Sasuke's self-esteem, and he completely misses Shisui, as he was never able to read him; in Itachi Shinden Shisui is better than him at reading people, so I imagined that if he didn't die he would have stayed the best.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for updating so late, life got in the way, weighing me down and making it hard to focus. I'm satisfied with the result of my hard work though, it helped me channel some of the feelings caused by my experience, and it that came out so long that I split it in 2, so next chapter will be part 2 of this one. I don't want readers' attention to wane because of a too long chapter.
> 
> Both are very important, even though there is no real action (or hot stuff) as they're about intimacy and bonds, a different kind of both, and they highlight how the characters feel for the others.
> 
> There is an underlying theme in them, other than "inside vs outside" which is here as well, but I talked about it already.  
> I'll say which one after next chapter. Some will understand it before that, maybe. Just like they might understand, the other underlying theme that permeates more chapters and that will be clear in the end. 
> 
> The idea that Sasuke doesn't use genjutsu that much because they're manipulative and he's a honest person comes from moonsuke on tumblr.
> 
> With my writing I want to show that everyone has reasons to act a certain way. It means I'm not judging.
> 
> Please keep in mind that what I wrote about mangekyou sharingan and its working is MY OWN IDEA. It's not meant to be databook-realistic material. It's poetic licence, it's a plot device. It's a damn detail, deal with it.   
> One more time: the difference in how they work on Shisui/Itachi or Izumi, are not supported in databooks or anything. They're my idea and they're important for the plot. So in my AU mangekyou isn't for everyone who experiences the death of their precious person, but only for the stronger ones, who already have the right amount/kind of chakra and abilities. Hence Izumi didn't get a mangekyou when her lover died. She isn't necessarily weak, but she's average, and she knows it. There's nothing wrong with it anyway.
> 
> I shouldn't even say this because at ch14 it's pretty obvious but still. This story contains heavy angst. If you can't handle it don't read it, and if you read it don't whine after. I don't complain that fluffy fics are too fluffy, or smutty fics too smutty. It's pretty obvious. Also, Itasasu isn't the main pairing here, Shisasu is. If you don't like this, leave.

 

> _"With eyes of blood_  
>  _And bitter blue_  
>  _How I feel for you_  
>  _I feel for you" (Soundgarden, Like Suicide)_
> 
>  

Izumi didn't know if her sister had an intense social life or if she was particularly unlucky, for when she arrived to her house for a surprise visit, she was greeted by her daughters, who explained that their mom and dad were visiting some friends from another clan. Maybe the one with the deers, maybe the one with the big people, said the old one; maybe their grandparents, the youngest one interrupted, grabbing her aunt with a sticky hand, which brought the woman's attention to their faces.

She couldn't fail to recognize mitarashi dango syrup traces all over their mouths, which explained why they were so hyperactive.

At first she assumed that her sister knew what she was doing, that she didn't see any problem in leaving her children alone, free to eat sweets and run around the house on a sugar high instead of sleeping, so she considered leaving, pretending that she hadn't seen anything, but then she remembered that sometimes children were so sneaky that parents couldn't keep up with them.

She used to be one of those children.

_Her parents used to say that she would become an outstanding shinobi, as good as she was at sneaking out of the house._

_She only stopped doing it after Kyuubi's attack._

_That night she was heading towards a nearby hollow tree, where, according to what she had heard, there lived hedgehogs._

_Knowing that they only came out at night she had waited for her family to fall asleep before enacting her plan, but when she had heard noises and screams, first in the distance, then coming closer and closer, she had been overwhelmed by sensations and memories of the war that had just ended, so although she knew what to do in case of attack, she had panicked._

_Luckily she was found by a little boy more or less her age, who had taken her hand and guided her to a shelter. He was calm, unafraid even, as if he weren't only a child, tightly holding a toddler and shielding him from danger._

_When it was over her parents had greatly thanked her young savior, who had turned out to be the prodigy everyone had been talking about, the son of the clan leader, to whom her father had renewed his pledge of loyalty, as they were no longer bound by Uchiha blood only, but also by gratitude towards Itachi, who had saved his daughter's life._

_Once at home she had been scolded, lectured and grounded for a long time, but she hadn't regretted it, for she knew that she deserved that punishment for having worried them so much. Besides, she had met a special person._

Izumi decided to stay and keep an eye on her nephews, like she had done many times, especially before her marriage. She helped them wash up, she put them to bed and read them a story. When their eyes closed and their breathing slowed down, she tidied up their mess; when she was done, remembering her childhood, she double checked that they were really asleep, before heading back home.

_There was a time she dreamed of having her own children with Shuuto. She never dwelled on how tiring it was, even though her sister repeated it over and over, just like she never dwelled on how impossible it would have been to be allowed to marry a lower shinobi, when her father had been trying to set her up with the future clan leader._

_Many things had happened since then: Shuuto had died, and for her father's joy she had married Itachi._

_It was nothing like the idyllic image she envisioned when, ages ago, she had a crush on him, but it was nothing like a sad and empty arranged marriage either. They had traveled, he had taught her diplomacy, so that she could actively contribute to the peace he -and Shuuto- wanted. They had decorated the house they lived in, he had encouraged her to pursue her interests, no matter how unusual or apparently silly, he had reassured her that it would have been her choice only, whether to keep working or not, and when she had expressed it, he had ensured that she'd be transferred to the Hokage's building for office work, not to demean her ability but so that she wouldn't risk witnessing again the death of a comrade, after she had witnessed Shuuto's._

She just wanted to give the brothers some time to catch up when she went out, but children were so tiring that she felt like an eternity passed since that moment.

She'll stay in her private room to give them some privacy, she tells herself as she comes back. She repeats it out loud when she opens the door, announcing herself.

Her mother always scolded her for talking from room to room, that's why it feels so liberating to do it in her own home. She'd keep telling her whole misadventure, but she stops speaking, because Itachi, who always greets her back, didn't say anything.

Not hearing neither his voice nor his brother's she quickly comes inside, where she spots Itachi in the hallway, kneeling on the ground, steadying himself with one arm, hand pressing against his forehead, a pained grimace marring his handsome and noble looking features.

_Somehow that sight takes her back to the day Shuuto died: he, too, was kneeling like that, with pain written all over his features. Only he was fatally injured in the back, and he was coughing blood, while Itachi is bleeding from his eye._

_It's a consequence of using Mangekyou sharingan, she knows it even though not by experience. She didn't get it when she saw her lover dying, despite the pain she felt, because only the strongest shinobi do, and although she isn't weak, she certainly didn't spend her whole life training endlessly and pushing her body and spirit to their limits._

_Besides, it's a dangerous power that eventually leads to blindness._

_She didn't want Itachi to end like that, she realized, her chest tightening at the thought, wondering what made him use such power._

"Dear, what happened?"

She asks, rushing to his side.

_Not even when they were children she ever caught him off guard; she briefly wonders if anyone ever managed that, and somehow it seems impossible, even if he's kneeling on the ground, in pain, unguarded. Like a human._

_Like Shuuto._

"It's just a headache, it will pass soon."

He replies, automatically.

Like a child soldier, taught to never show his real condition, in case the enemy is lurking around, waiting to strike.

Although Izumi was spared from the battlefield  _-all the children their age were. Except for the Uchiha prodigy-_  she still remembers the fear, the silence, the sudden noises, the physical strain of running to the shelter every time, and the mental strain, of having to understand what adults said between the lines, trying not to scare them too much.

Itachi is acting in the same way.

_Like an adult during wartime. Even though the war is long over._

_She wonders if he ever noticed it was over, and if it ever ceased inside him, after having witnessed such horrors at such a young age._

"Where is Sasuke? Has he already left?"

She asks again. He doesn't reply. Or look at her, not even when she helps him stand up, or when she guides him towards the kitchen.

_Like he guided her to the shelters during Kyuubi's attack._

He sits by the table, hands holding his head, taking deep, silent breaths to calm down, although from the outside he looks almost as composed as always, only paler, a darker shade under his eyes, his ponytail a little undone and the bangs framing his face slightly messier.

She prepares a herbal tea for his headache. Then, placing the cup in front of him, she calmly asks him to tell her what happened.

"There is nothing to say," he curtly replies before drinking the medicine.

It's bitter, but his expression doesn't change. As expected of the Uchiha prodigy, the hero, future clan leader and Hokage.

_In a different moment she would have joked, reminding him that he could have used more of that perfect shinobi-like impassive demeanor the time she added the wrong Suna spices in their dish, making it disgusting, to say the least. He would have retorted something snarky, like that he couldn't stay impassive even if he had reached sannin level, but he would have smiled a little, so she'd knew that he wasn't being serious._

"Actually I think there is much to say."

Izumi replies, fidgeting with a long strand of hair before moving closer to him. She didn't mean to sound pushy, but she really wants to help him and she can't do anything if he doesn't talk to her. She's about to place her hand on his but he cuts her short.

"It's none of your business."

He doesn't let her talk back, glaring at her before she opens her mouth, then he gets up and heads to his room.

His bloodshot eyes are so cold and threatening that the words die on her lips.

_What did she want to say and why would she, since he doesn't want to listen?_

_Does she even have the right to speak, with their kind of relationship?_

She has never seen him like that.

They had never worked together, he was an Anbu captain and she was a regular shinobi.

She was on a mission during the clan meeting where they would have planned the imminent coup d'etat in detail if Shisui hadn't appeared like a ghost, to warn everyone about Danzo's intentions and change their minds about theirs, and at the same time to reassure them, because he and Itachi had planned not only the way to save them, but also to obtain justice.

She hadn't seen him like that even on that fated night. The main Uchiha district streets were guarded by the strongest ones, as well as war veterans and part of the Hyuuga clan, all set on preventing Danzo's troops from invading their territory. Together with Shuuto and other young ones she had been assigned to protect children and elderly in the safe house, under Mikoto's supervision.

That night where Itachi must have been similarly frighteningly cold, she thinks, so much that her first impulse is to leave, like everyone with a brain would do, but it's just a fleeting thought before she takes a deep breath and steels herself, keeping her head high, unfazed by his threatening stance, unafraid of his dark aura.

_Only worried about the pain he must be suffering._

They aren't enemies and this isn't the battlefield. This is the home they share, and he is the one who saved her when her world had crumbled down.

"Wait," she says, quickly pouring more herbal tea, reaching Itachi by the door and handing him the cup, "You might want to drink more of this. For your headache".

Itachi's shoulders become less stiff, his eyes less icy and distant.

_She can now see how troubled he is, behind the ice layer._

"I...shouldn't have lashed at you. I'm sorry, Izumi."

His words, pronounced in a low voice, as he's closing the door, are easy to miss if one isn't completely focused on him.

Yet to Izumi's ears they're as clear as they can be.

* * *

Shisui jolts awake to check on Sasuke.

He had the impression that he was screaming, but it was just a nightmare.

Now that he's awake he realizes that what he heard was a combination of the birds' crying outside, with the boy's cries still ringing in his ears.

Now his cousin is sleeping peacefully, his hands are abandoned at his sides, his eyebrows aren't furrowed anymore. Framed by his black hair spilled everywhere on the pillow, his face is relaxed, giving him a childlike appearance. Or something close to it.

Shisui can't forget the many times that he looked like that after having been defiled and hurt.

_Just the way Shisui liked. Just the way Sasuke wanted. Just the way both needed._

He can't forget that the younger was the opposite of relaxed the night before, when he kept tossing and turning and screaming and wailing, no matter how many times he tried to calm him down, no matter how many times he  _intervened_ on his  _condition_ , repeating the  _process_ over and over.

He hated even the very idea of  _doing that_ to him but there was no other choice.

He had to save him.  _That_ was the reason of the ominous feeling that had been nagging him, warning him that something bad would have happened to Sasuke, growing stronger and roaring louder inside him as time went by, urging Shisui to act on it, all the while life threw him setbacks of all kinds.

_Shisui was sure that Sasuke wanted to see him just like he wanted to see the boy, that he had probably looked for him, just like he had tried to, if only everything else hadn't gotten in their way._

_Maybe there was a reason for those setbacks, duties, occurrences and coincidences._

_Maybe it was destiny's way of drawing them apart._

_Maybe his resolve was being tested._

After the failed attempt of extracting information from Kabuto, in cooperation with the Yamanaka leader and his daughter, the Hokage and her assistant and the Hyuuga future leaders, he wanted to leave and look for Sasuke but he had fainted for the strain.

When he had woken up, in his home, surrounded by the those who had witnessed his collapse, except for the Fifth, to make sure he'd be able to help Sasuke he had accepted Shizune's offer to stay with him and monitor his condition until he would have completely recovered from the aftereffects of the combined jutsu.

It took forever, or so it seemed to him, to feel strong enough to get out of bed without feeling dizzy, than to walk straight, so when he was finally able to look for Sasuke it was quite late.

Something told him that he wasn't in Itachi's house, so he went where the boy spent more time, such as the training grounds, the aviary and the team headquarters.

_Even though he knew well that the place where Sasuke spent more time_ _was his house, that whether they knew it or not, whether they wanted or not, had become their shelter, from the outside world and its tentacles, that hurt deep down inside if they reached them._

* * *

The first thing Shisui thought, when he found him by the river, was that his bad feelings were always right, unfortunately.

Sasuke wasn't responding, or talking, or thinking.

He couldn't: he wasn't himself.

_He was just a puppet in Itachi's hands._

_Itachi's voice was pulling his strings and filling his mind and body, overwhelming him, blinding him, deafening him to everything but itself._

_Such was the power of his genjutsu; such was the power he held over Sasuke._

"Now forget about  _all this_ , little brother, and go home," he had commanded, and Sasuke's only choice had been to obey.

_Just like any other time, when he was awake and lucid._

_As expected of the younger brother of the Uchiha prodigy, hero, future clan leader and Hokage._

_As expected of the pure creature born after the war, whose admiration and love for his older brother were so strong that he would have done anything for him._

Something had been off though.

Itachi was unanimously considered the best genjutsu user not only in their clan, the village or his generation, but in the shinobi world; on the contrary, Sasuke preferred to rely on his own strategy and techniques.

_Genjutsu was too manipulative, too indirect for someone as straightforward and honest._

Nevertheless he was an Uchiha. A strong one, who had undergone endless training, even more backbreaking because of the pressure his father put on him, his impossible expectations and the negative prejudice that everyone had against those born after the war. Because of this, even though Itachi's illusions were indistinguishable from reality, especially the one he had set up for his brother, Sasuke had felt a weird sensation, like a sleep twitch that had caught his attention for an instant, although not enough to wake him up and make him tell real from fake, illusion from reality, lies from truths, his brother's manipulation from his sincere words, so the had done nothing but stare in awe at Itachi, the embodiment of perfection.

_He had done nothing but offer himself to him, like a sacrificial lamb to an all-powerful god._

He had craved his brother's love for so long that receiving with it had felt like being bestowed with a blessing from a fearsome god that had finally become benevolent.

Yet gods and humans see, speak, act, think and feel differently.

Even their timing is different.

Humans' is linear; gods' is convoluted, sometimes so slow that nothing seems to move, others so fast that it's impossible to react.

Itachi's confession, his kisses, his touches, rained on Sasuke so unexpectedly, so quickly, so heavily after his lies and his rejection, that he couldn't even try to swim in the deep dark waters suddenly engulfing him.

He couldn't even ask himself if he still desired, like he had once craved, those kisses and touches, along with his brother's acknowledgement -he'd never stop striving for it- now that he had  _someone_ to share  _something_ with, and that  _someone_  was so strong that even his perfect, godlike brother had once chosen him.

_Shisui was so powerful that he had an almost supernatural aura, that made his allies admire him and his enemies fear him, yet he was neither godlike nor perfect; he was human, with needs and wants and moods, that he expressed with his voice, hands and body._

_He had a dark side, that he didn't flaunt but didn't hide either, that he had shown everyone when he had killed Danzo, and that he showed Sasuke every time, as Sasuke could take it._

Even though that  _something_  between them was an agreement where rules replaced love and violence replaced tenderness.

_Sasuke could take him, as the elder often said, and his words made the boy feel stronger, and important, and somehow wanted._

_So much that he broke the rules on purpose, because he craved violence as much as he craved love, and when it was over and a dull pain where adrenaline had gone washed over him, he received unexpected acts of tenderness._

_He was confused by those gestures but he cherished them, almost without realizing._

Being loved by Itachi was so much like a dream come true that when it had happened he had been so overwhelmed by the act itself, by the words his brother had pronounced, by his scent, his mouth, his hands and his whole body all over and inside him, that he hadn't been able to pinpoint and understand that off feeling.

_The same feeling of dreams, where everything is always a little different, a little off, because in reality nothing is really happening. Just like everything happened in the indigo blue room._

Yet there had been a moment where his thoughts had made it over the thick black waters engulfing him.

There had been a moment when he had wondered what Shisui would have thought of  _it_ ; if he would have gotten angry because he had made love with his former lover, or disgusted because he had had sex with his own brother, or jealous, because he was his pupil, his apprentice, his subordinate,  _his plaything_. That thought had only lasted a moment -because why would his cousin be jealous of him, with whom he had an agreement, when he should have been jealous of his older, perfect brother, with whom he had had a relationship?- and soon he was swallowed back into Itachi's strong arms, beneath his toned, powerful body.

_Statuesque was the word that better defined Itachi's appearance._

_Although slender, he was taller than Sasuke and he was bigger in built, his shoulders broader, his muscles chiseled like a marble statue, of which he shared the refined air and unwavering confidence in himself, his genius and his strength, transpiring in every word and every movement, graceful yet deadly._

_On the contrary, no matter how much he trained, Sasuke had a taut yet lean body. His cousin once said that he was built for speed, not for power._

_Just as confident yet not as classy, apparently more approachable yet deadly in a different, unpredictable way, Shisui was even taller, and more muscular; compared to him Sasuke was quite thin looking, or so their comrades joked, adding that they made a nice couple anyway and continuing only until they heard chidori crackling around them._

When their  _lovemaking_ was over Sasuke had found himself fully clothed, kneeling on the floor, his equally clothed brother in front of him, sharingan blazing, instead of lying naked on the futon, his brother lying behind him, his arms wrapped around his waist.

Had he been less capable he wouldn't even have had any awareness of that moment, when the genjutsu had shifted to reality, let alone of the shift from reality to genjutsu again, when Itachi's sharingan pattern had changed into mangekyou, right before his memories were being erased. But he was capable, even though he didn't think he was enough.

_He wasn't enough for his father, who had never stopped comparing him to Itachi._

_He wasn't enough for his brother, who rejected him, then he had confessed his fake dismissal and his real feelings, just to break his heart again._

_He had been enough for Shisui, because he could take all of him, but probably he wasn't enough anymore, for he was bringing other people in his house, that had become his shelter from the pain that came with never being enough._

Sasuke was capable, so he had noticed.

His eyes had flickered from a corner to the other, from his brother's posture, kneeling but hovering over him, to his look, sad but at the same time determined, a little detached -trying to steel his resolve- not cruel like that time he broke his heart but just as scary, because he was breaking it again, only in a different way.

_As expected of a prodigy._

With a sorrow and regret so strong that his limbs and lungs were paralyzed, he had understood what had just happened...although 'happened' implied an actual event, while his brother's confession, his kisses, his hands all over him, no matter how realistic, had all been an elaborate illusion.

Maybe, when it came to feelings, illusions were the same as reality, because there was no difference in the reactions they elicited, Sasuke had mused while struggling for air, countless questions appearing and disappearing from his mind, one pushing the other away over and over.

_Did Itachi really love him like he had confessed? Did he really even want him, or was it all a test, and if so had he failed it? Was there a way to know what he really thought and felt for him? Which one was the truth and which one the lie? Was there even a truth or a lie? Did such things even exist, when it came to his brother?_

The slight surprise in Itachi's expression gave away that he hadn't expected Sasuke to be aware.

_Itachi had always known his brother's potential, but he didn't imagine that he had become this strong._

_Shisui had taught him well...if only he hadn't taught him too much, Itachi had thought angrily._

_He hadn't foreseen such outcome._

_His past lover, who had never looked at his brother in an inappropriate way, should have never gotten so close to him, and Sasuke, who knew about their past relationship, should have been uncomfortable about anything not pertaining to shinobi related activities._

_That's how it was supposed to be._

_That's how he had planned it out to be, but he had failed, and he hated to fail, to lose, and the more he thought about his failure the harder it was for him to restrain his anger, towards himself, for not having been able to correctly read them, that he assumed to know better than anyone, and towards his former lover who had betrayed his trust. Somehow his anger was even directed at his brother, who had chosen the wrong person, and that shameful unwanted feeling had turned the hate turned towards himself again, because he couldn't expect someone inexperienced and naive like Sasuke to not fall in the arms of a good seductive manipulator like their cousin, and he couldn't expect him to cope with pain and loss in a way that he, who had hurt him, berated him, his feelings, his abilities, comparing them to Shisui's so that he'd use him as an obstacle to climb but at the same time a mentor to learn from, would have approved, and to not fall into his older cousin's arms._

_Always the perfect shinobi, he had put himself back together again, because he had to complete a task, that was more important than his feelings._

_He had to free his brother from the chains of sin and guilt he had wrapped around him._

Meanwhile, although aware, Sasuke was paralyzed under Itachi's stare, and at the same time he was feeling dizzy, his head was spinning, or maybe it was the ground under his knees, he couldn't tell. He could only vaguely hear a part of him  _-the same that had sent him warnings and that off feeling-_ yelling to get up and leave, and reach safety _-and safety was in Shisui's house-_  but he couldn't escape, like a prey charmed and trapped by his predator, his beautiful, strong, perfect brother, who had played with his mind, who was about to play with it again, controlling and erasing parts of it, as if it belonged to him. As if he belonged to him.

Knowing that he did.

_Did he still belong to him?_

"Brother…don't..."

Unable to escape as he was, it should have been impossible for him to be aware, let alone speak, yet he had, and Itachi hadn't been able to hide his surprise when the younger's lips moved and a croaky voice that, barely more than a whisper, had reached his ears.

_He had no time for admiring his little brother who had become a fine shinobi though._

_He had steeled himself, as what he was about to do would have been harder than expected._

Itachi's mouth had opened and closed for a voiceless apology, than everything had gone black.

After his command Sasuke had gotten up and left, his movements mechanical, his stare empty. Just like the Uchiha compound and half Konoha at night, its inhabitants either in their homes, sleeping before a mission or resting after one, some out drinking, relaxing or having fun in the other, lively half of the village.

It had happened as he was heading back.

His memories had been reshaped so that he would forget, but what had been erased from his mind had seeped into his heart, reaching his unconscious, deepest self.

His brother preventing him from leaving when, confused, outraged and in shock, he had put an end to his kind act.

_His mind clouded by his godlike brother's presence, Sasuke had no chance to imagine that i if his sudden movement hadn't showed the skin between his neck and shoulders, Itachi would have tried to stop him anyway, he would have apologized, he would have tried to pick what was left of their relationship and mend it, little by little, never taking him for granted, never crossing the boundary that society had created and he had reinforced; but the sight of that bite mark hoping that with time his efforts would have been rewarded, but seeing that bite mark had triggered everything he had been keeping under control for years._

_No longer able to push everything back inside the deepest darkest part of his soul he had let it all out, even though in a genjutsu -a desperate yet rational way to protect Sasuke._

_Yet reality or illusion, did it even matter, when the result was the same?_

His brother confessing that he had always loved him, that he had lied in order to protect him from their feelings, in order to keep him pure and safe.

_Sasuke had no chance to imagine that Itachi was aware that sooner or later he would have found someone, but experiencing it was different, like reading about an injury and receiving it. It was more painful that he had envisioned. Besides, that mark was defiling in his eyes, so much that he would have never guessed that Shisui would have been capable of something so low, as he had forgotten that his cousin, best friend and former lover had been the only one he had never been able to read._

His brother taking him and making love to him.

_Sasuke had no chance to imagine that Itachi had claimed him as his, touching and kissing every inch of his body, not only because he had been desiring him so badly that if he had been less perfect of a shinobi, his secret would have been discovered, but also because of the primitive, uncontrollable urge to erase any trace of Shisui from him._

His brother, seemingly having acted on his feelings for the first time, having instead chosen genjutsu to show and act like his real self, and when he was done erasing his memory.

_Sasuke had no chance to imagine Itachi's pain when the genjutsu had ended, along with the guilt for having messed with the mind of his most important person, the pure creature born after the war._

_Sasuke had no chance to imagine neither Itachi's self-loathing nor his resolve, as he had caused his little brother so much pain that controlling his mind, like he had controlled his life, was his only choice._

The awareness of Itachi's sharingan turning into mangekyou and starting to pull his memories out of him, only lasted a moment and yet for Sasuke it had meant realizing that he had lost his brother, again.

_That when he had been overjoyed for having found him again, his brother was already planning to do this, even as he was kissing and touching him._

_That he had found him again, only to be rejected again._

In his puppet-like state, deprived of the ability to remember, know or think, he still had one left, as the ability to feel hadn't been taken away from him, unfortunately for him, because what he felt was loss, the most painful of feelings, the scariest.

Especially not remembering whom he lost, and how and why.

_The loss of a loved one is the feeling that activates mangekyou sharingan._

 

> " _A Friend In Need's A Friend Indeed  
>  __A Friend Who Bleeds Is Better" (Placebo, Pure Morning_ _)_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Itachi and Izumi's moment was one of the first I drafted. I don't ship them and I don't care about her in canon, and when I first planned this story she was almost only a plot device, to which I added a life of her own, a love outside Itachi, a personality that might or might not be similar to canon's. I don't like how kishi writes women anyway, and she's not even kishi's creation so I felt free to add my own input. In my story she has her passions and her antics, that are also a way to share something more with Itachi. As the story progresses she grew on me, I still wouldn't ship them but relationship with Itachi evolved in a way I like. You'll see more in the next chapter though. In this part she experienced the darker scarier side of Itachi, that she hasn't seen so far, since their arranged marriage, despite being the official relationship with the honorable future clan leader/Hokage and a honorable kunoichi, is nothing like a classic arranged marriage. It has a light, almost childish side.
> 
> I wrote a lot about Itachi's dark sides in this fic, his controlling side that hates to lose, that makes him selfish in his selflessness. I'm fascinated by this side of him, and I find his martyr fanon personality boring and wrong.  
> In this chapter Izumi, and with her the reader, understands (again, if they hadn't understood it earlier) how his behavior is a consequence of his upbringing, of his trauma, of witnessing a war too soon. He was a child soldier, he still acts like one at times, and he acts like the perfect shinobi the whole time. He represses and conceals his feelings, and he exerts control over everything and everyone, justifying extreme actions, especially towards Sasuke whom he loves more than anyone, in order to protect him. I described his thought process and feelings here so I think it's pretty clear. He makes mistakes, even in this peaceful AU where he could relax, and he makes them because the war isn't over in his head, it's still a part of him. He's a victim too, which is what I wanted to show with the title. Everyone is a victim of the system, of wars, of their environment, so I also added a moment of Izumi's childhood, because war happened for her as well.
> 
> The difference in how Izumi and Sasuke see Itachi is flashed out here. It was obvious from the previous chapters how Sasuke sees Itachi as a god, on a pedestal, on a totally different level from him, and this affects everything about their relationship because he's not free, he's bound by him in a deep strong way but he's also scared of him and he's paralyzed, figuratively (and in this chapter literally) before him. He idealyzes him, completely missing his flaws. Izumi sees him as human instead, so she might be scared a little about his cold reaction, but she snaps out of it soon, so she's able to reach out to him in a different way. She is grateful to him and she wants to give back and help him, which is a good thing. A pure and selfless thing. A healthy thing, puritans would say, also backed up by the fact that he apologizes to her, but not to Shisui or Sasuke, because he's convinced that he's doing the right thing with them, while he didn't need to be hard on her.
> 
> Shisui can read Itachi well but he saw him as perfect so he wasn't free to be himself around Itachi, so he hid his dark side that instead he freely shows Sasuke, just like Sasuke is free with him.
> 
> Itachi puts Sasuke on a pedestal too, although a different kind of pedestal. He places him under glass, somehow, to keep him pure and untouched, but in doing so he hurts him every time.  
> So Itachi's feelings towards Sasuke aren't exactly pure or selfless here. Or rather, they are both selfless and selfish, both pure and impure. Itachi is a human after all.
> 
> The gods' timing being different means that Itachi arrived too late, in a way. Because Sasuke's feelings for him are different now that he's in this "agreement" with Shisui.
> 
> Sasuke isn't jealous. Unlike most fanon portrayals that write him as this jealous possessive brat, he's the opposite in canon. He always respected Itachi's boundaries, and when he was with Shisui he never acted jealous, if only, he wanted to be a part of their activities. So in this AU, when in the past chapters he saw Shisui's house with people inside, he's not jealous because he's a jealous person, but because Shisui's house is his shelter (both's shelter actually) and it's been "invaded" by other random people, in a moment he needed the other. He feels put aside, unwanted. It's deeper and sadder than petty jealousy.  
> The chapter ends in a way the reader must know what happens soon, I'll try to update fast, I swear. In the meantime I want to stress the fact that Sasuke's sense of loss is really devastating here, because of their particular circumstances and the events that led to Itachi erasing his memory.


End file.
